The Irradiated Past

I've mentioned it a number of times in the past, and I'm going to say it again now: I love Fallout. I consider myself a fan, even if I've never completed Tactics (I've heard that many don't consider that an "official" game, anyway) and called the Vault-Boy Fallout-Boy (which, it seems, is a hangable offense amongst true fans).

I didn't actually come across Fallout and Fallout 2 until they had been out on the market for some time. I got them in a dual-CD discount game case at Wal-Mart, and it was probably the best ten bucks I've ever spent. The games are a testament to how good sprite-based CRPGs can be. The stories are deep, the side-quests are engaging, the gameplay is fun, the graphics (even now) are quite pretty, and, most of all, the atmosphere is wholly immersive.



Having been introduced to the culture of the 30s to 60s musicales and soforth early on in life, it was easy for me to get into Fallout's retro-future style. I've always liked how, during the economic golden age that existed just after World War II, there was a lulling sense of America being a utopia. Even with the fears of the Cold War, people seemed comfortable and happy, and their culture depicts that. Fallout combines that with a post-apocalyptic theme, to make a retro-future post-utopian dystopia.



The game has a gigantic cult following, including a team working to create a fan-made expansion pack for Fallout 2 and webcomic. I can't say that I'm a part of that following, as I have a poor history with some of the guys in charge of some of the biggest forums, websites, etc. Regardless, I highly recommend the Fallout games to anyone who loves a good story, deep atmosphere, and just plain fun.

Oh, and it's deliciously violent.



Another thing that was pretty neat about Fallout were the "talking heads" of certain NPCs. I'm not exactly sure how it was done, but I assume that they were pre-rendered videos of some kind that were clipped together as you chose options, as I'm certain that real-like 3D rendering wasn't this good in '97. However it was done, these talking heads managed to lip-sync with surprising accuracy and respond to the dialog choices that were made with emotions, such as looking angry, sad, happy, etc. Yet another great feature to add to the immersion of a great game. It really helped make already-memorable characters even more so.



With Bethesda Softworks working on Fallout 3, rather than the original Interplay team, some are pretty worried that they are going to completely botch an amazing universe. Personally, I'm pretty enthusiastic about how they are doing, and I'll discuss why soon.

Fallout & Fallout 2

• DOS or Windows 95


• Pentium 90 MHz


• 16 MB RAM (32 MB for DOS)


• 600 MB available HDD space


• DirectX-compatible SVGA card


• DirectSound-compatible sound card


• DirectX 3.0a or 5.0

That's the beauty of sprite-based CRPGs: if done well, it looks great, and it's extremely easy on the hardware

Fallout Tactics: Brotherhood of Steel

• DOS or Windows 95


• 300 Mhz Processor


• 64 MB RAM (32 MB for DOS)


• 700 MB available HDD space


• 4 Mb Video Card

If you would like to see what Fallout or Fallout 2 are like (they ran the same game engine), give Fallout's demo a try.

Post-Nuclear FPSRPG

Though I've not yet played Fallout 3 all the way through (due to a combination of generally disliking the completely open-world style, family visiting, and faffing about in said open world), I can say from what I've seen thus far that it's certainly an entertaining little chip. Now, while I have been overly critical about it in the past, saying that the graphics are downright bad, in hindsight, I think that's a bit too harsh. Sure, some textures look like pixelated, blurry messes when you get up close, some walls/ceilings have odd texture mapping errors where a grain of metal, wood, or rust suddenly stops and continues on in a completely different direction, and the characters look about as lifeless and unrealistic as they can be in this video game generation, but overall, it's not bad. Hell, I have to admit that the wasteland looks amazing, and some of the effects (spoiler: like the destruction of Megaton) just make my mouth water.

On the other hand, thus far the game has mostly been about battles upon battles upon battles, which I suppose is the point. However, if I recall, most every battle in Fallout and Fallout 2 could be avoided if you said the right thing, had the right skills, or just ran fast enough, but here, combat is inevitable. At the best, your skills will help you activate a robot to assist you in clearing an area, but the robot can't handle it all on its own, it's just a weak assistant (in particular, I'm thinking of a certain Super-Mart level). Additionally, I was very disappointed with how little a lot of characters had to say, and, for those who did speak, how little of what they said was interesting or important. In Fallout 1 and 2, the world was populated by NPCs who would say little, if anything, with a few scattered important NPCs who had a lot of say, and usually a reason to say it (as in, it related to some quest or another). In Fallout 3, everyone has a few lines to jabber, but barely anyone has anything important to say, at least not directly.

Something that I'm not sure if I like or not would be the way that skills often don't guarantee success, like they seemed to in Fallout 1 and 2. For instance, if you have speech skill, it will give you a percentile roll. Even if you've got insane speech skill, unless your opponent is extremely weak-willed, it's not guaranteed to work. I guess this adds the same sense of urgency as, say, rolling 1 in Dungeons and Dragons, except that skill checks don't have auto-failures in D&D. I believe that, in Fallout 1 and 2, if you didn't have the necessary percent chance of success from a high enough skill, the option simply didn't show (though I could be wrong, and it could have been working with the percentile thing behind the scenes all along). What it amounts to is me saving before talking to an NPC, then reloading and reloading until I get the roll. Basically, it makes it pointless to crank up the skill, unless maybe it "unlocks" some options.

Which brings me nicely to my second point: skill ranks that just "unlock" minigames. In Fallout 3, your skill rank in things such as science and lockpicking simply determines whether or not you'll get a chance to pick a lock. In Fallout 1 and 2, your skill was represented as a percent chance of success, modified by the difficulty of the lock. Here, having one of the necessary tiers (25, 50, 85, etc.) will unlock your ability to play a minigame. In the case of lockpicking, you try to jimmy the lock with a bobby pin and screwdriver. At least that takes some concentration and can be done easily if you figure it out--if you start to jimmy and it doesn't look like it's working, stop right away and try another spot before the pin breaks off. It teaches you to use a light touch, which is nice.

However, when hacking a terminal, you have to guess what word is the password. Well, that's actually not correct, as none of the words are the REAL password, it's just a word randomly chosen when you enter the terminal. When you select a word, the terminal will tell you how many of the letters in that word are in the correct sequence. For instance, if the correct password is "boar" and I pick "four", it will tell me that 2 of 4 letters are correct. However, often the correct letters are something shared by most, if not all, of the words (like an "ing" ending), and you save time merely by guessing randomly. There's no real skill involved in this one, it's just blind luck, and it's annoying. Fortunately, you can exit out of the terminal before all four attempts are used, and it will give you another four chances, but with a whole new randomly generated series of words. Therefore, you never actually guess the real password (which would be helpful and fun, as you could do some guessing based on location, who own the terminal, etc.), but rather some word that may or may not be actually relevant.

Maybe it's a bit ironic that I like random chance rolls with skills, but not with persuasion, and, honestly, I don't mind the speech percent chance so badly. It's that damn hacking screen that really annoys me. And, on top of that, more often than not, most of the options on the terminal are useless (you get some error from the terminal, which I suppose is meant to make things seem realistically broken down, but it's just disappointing after all that work hacking it).

Another problem with the open-ended world is, like Oblivion, there are a lot of places which are essentially useless. Sure, there's usually something of some interest, but I feel like I'd rather have less areas with more detail and worth, rather than more areas that are basically good for nothing. Granted, it's not nearly as bad as Oblivion.

Speaking of not being as bad as Oblivion, I'm SO HAPPY that Bethesda finally removed that crappy stealing system from the engine! In Oblivion, if you steal something, anyone in the vicinity knows you've stolen, regardless of whether or not they saw you, and the generic item is tagged as stolen, so you can only sell it to special fences. Not in Fallout 3. Here, you can rob a store owner blind when they have their back turned, then sell the entire stock back. That is, until they run out of their limited supply of bottle caps (which apparently take forever to come back). You can do this without sneaking at all, as long as they didn't see you, and no one's the wiser. Maybe that's scaling their thief-awareness back a bit TOO far.

If I had to sum up my complaints with Fallout 3, I'd say that the game feels unfinished. There are a lot of loose ends, pointless crap, and boring bumbling about. At least there's a fast-travel system, but, like Oblivion, you have to find the place on foot first. What was wrong with a map system like Fallout 1 and 2, where, when told where someplace is, you'll get a pip on your map, which you travel to on the map screen, but there's a chance you'll hit some resistance along the way, or find a special area? I admire Bethesda's efforts in emulating the authentic "Fallout" feel, and in some ways they succeeded (in the same way that the newest Star Wars trilogy "kind of" feels like the classic one), but, overall, I'd say the game is overhyped and deserving of a 75 to 80% at most.

Don't get me wrong. Neither Fallout 1 nor Fallout 2 were perfect, but they had great atmosphere and fantastic interaction. Fallout 3, however, while it has some atmosphere, tries to make up for its lack of interaction with a lot of plain action. Sorry, Bethesda, but there's a limit to how sweet a death animation can be, particularly when all that happens is the limbs and head separate from the body. Besides, it's totally been done before. Look at The Suffering, to name just one.

The Irradiated Future

As has been established, I love 30s to 60s culture. I'd have to say it's because of the almost childlike hopeful attitude that is so prominent at the time. Life and the economy were good (after the Great Depression and in particular after WWII, of course), and everyone seemed to think that everything was uphill from there, like they had found perfection and it would last forever. Untrue, of course, but that naive enthusiasm for the future has a certain charm to it.

When I think of this kind of culture, I think either the great USA versus the evil Nazis and twisted Japanese or the last island of capitalism in the shark-infested ocean of communism. It was riddled with new advances driven by fear and war and tons of propaganda, usually given in campy little PSAs, like Duck and Cover, mostly because the future looked frightening, but people wanted to fool themselves and others into thinking it would all turn out alright.

In stark contrast, Fallout is grittily dystopian with everything having hit rock bottom and no real sign of the next hill in sight. This contrasts so vividly with the utopian views of the cold war culture, it's like ebony and ivory. It's so darkly humorous to see, say, old, faded posters proclaiming the glory of the future hanging on the walls of filthy, half-destroyed buildings in the middle of a wasteland, it's hard to imagine someone not appreciating the atmospheric contrasts.

For an example of the contrasting atmospheres, just look at the below montage to see what I mean.



I've heard that Fallout was based on Wasteland, Mad Max, and other such things (which I have peered at but never really gotten into, myself), but when I think Fallout, I think three things: gritty, atmospheric, and violent. A vague list, maybe, but I think that anyone who has played Fallout 1 and 2 has to admit that the game is essentially those three things.

As far as CRPGs go, Fallout is classic, and any self-proclaimed roleplaying game fan will most likely have played at least one game in the series. It has spawned a cult following, though I would recommend avoiding much of the fan community, as they are, in my experience, a bitter and unpleasant lot.

All the buzz (and concern, I suppose) has been about the newest game in the series, Fallout 3. With Bethesda at the wheel, it's hard to say whether it will be a credit or insult to the original material. As much as I liked Fallout 2, though, I do hope that the third cuts down on the immersion-breaking pop culture references.

I think that one of the hardest things to pull off will be the immersive, believable atmosphere. Naturally, that's the hardest part for any storyteller, but I think that it will be particularly difficult for someone who's never created the game to find that sweet spot of atmosphere concurrence. In Bethesda's credit, I think that they are really, honestly trying, and that they have the right idea in mind. Look at their diaries, hell their website design, if you have any doubt of that. It's obvious that they know what they're doing. For a good example, see the E3 '08 trailer below.



Ahh, such a fantastic job. The intro PSA looks exactly like something someone would see in the 50s. I couldn't ask for it to be better, and their choice of music is superb as well. My only real concerns come with the game footage.

As I have described, one of the main points of Fallout is the violence. Some complain that Fallout's graphics are dated, but I beg to differ. There is an enormous amount of detail packed into those sprites, and I really don't think that more is necessary, or even worthwhile.

Even the talking heads, simple as they may be compared to rendering a 3D model on the fly, don't break immersion in the slightest (if anything, they add to it).



In fact, it's done so well, I think that Bethesda will have a bit of trouble recreating it in full 3D. The nice thing about sprites (and the talking heads are more or less sprites) is that they are just a number of images that are shown in succession, and displaying an image takes practically no system resources. In contrast, stuffing that kind of detail into a 3D model is very taxing for a computer to render, plus the detail has to be uniform. In the case of the talking heads, there doesn't have to be a great-looking back of the head, because no one will see that. In Fallout 3, the quality has to be the same on all parts of the model, which may mean that the model has lower-resolution textures, less polygons, etc.

Another thing that concerns me is atmosphere. When the entire game is a bunch of images overlaying other images, all seen from a high isometric perspective, it's easy to make it look like there is more detail than there actually is. When you can actually walk up to something in first person and observe it up close, though, any lack of detail becomes glaringly apparent. Additionally, something looks a bit... wrong with the in-game footage. Maybe it could use the barrel distortion techniques employed in Mass Effect, which I will be sure to discuss in detail soon enough.

Yahtzee of Zero Punctuation mentioned Fallout 3 in his E3 overview, but I have to clarify one point; you won't always see a long, cinematic death for every enemy you fight, it's controlled by the fight mode you have selected, so at least there's an option to disable it should it become tedious (Final Fantasy VII in particular suffered from that, especially when the attack cinematics clocked in at around half a minute or more).



All in all, I think that Bethesda is on the right track to capturing what made Fallout great, though I do hope that they polish the graphics a bit before release, in particular the much-hyped death shots. Unfortunately, you just can't realistically pack the kind of detail into a 3D model for a game necessary to make it really look like someone's just gotten their side blown out or arm shot off. Sprites are great with that, because they can do whatever they like--they're just a succession of pictures. 3D models are limited by geometry and how it interacts with the environment and itself. In particular, I get the feeling that I'm just looking at a full 3D model that was chopped up into parts, then glued back together in the case of the player going at a mutant with a gatling gun; they fall apart like they are some kind of toy.

Harsh on the Wastelands

After about 20-30 hours of trying to play through Fallout 3 and becoming tremendously bored by some of the vague/tedious side quests, I wrote a hasty and harsh review of Fallout 3. Now, I've finished it, and I have to say: I was wrong.

I don't know why, but since watching WALL-E, way back, I've just been overly critical of all movies/games I've tried. It's ironic that it is not a horrible disappointment that led me to jadedness, but rather a true gem.

Anyway, concerning Fallout 3. Some of my previous complaints were valid. For instance, the original Fallout did better with its "talking heads" than Fallout 3 does with its fully 3D heads, mostly due to a lack of expressiveness and some crude lip-syncing at times. Oh, and it got pretty annoying that all Super Mutants and Ghouls sound exactly the same, but I suppose that's what happens when you have a game that requires voice acting for every single creature, rather than the select few in Fallout 1 and 2.

I've never been much for free-roaming environments. I tend to lose focus on the story and just go off on my own, likely never to return before I stop playing the game out of boredom. I was determined to finish Fallout 3 before Left 4 Dead was released, though, so I created a new character and started again, this time ONLY doing the main quest, and absolutely zero side quests. Meh, some side quests are neat, and I'm anxious to see where some threads lead, but I can do that later, when I get the urge. Right now, I just wanted to see it through to the end.

Doing the main quests I'd done before was, naturally, a drag, but things quickly livened up when the plot progressed to the point that I found myself in a virtual world (within a virtual world, of course). It just struck the right awesome string, broke the jadedness, and I loved it since, from super-AI, to huge, hulking robots. I finished the main quest of the game in under 12 hours, but it was a very satisfying experience, with multiple possible endings (though mine was a bit lame, as I'd done no side quests, and thus had few, if any, impact slides at the end [example | example -- Fallout 1 and Arcanum, respectively -- both include huge spoilers).

All-in-all, from what I've seen, it's a fantastic game. Very satisfying in its story and themes, all while remaining quite impressively true to its roots. Hell, the ending is much like Fallout 2's ending... but better, actually.

Fallout-Boy is Coming to Town

Today rocked billions (count may be inaccurate) of Fallout fans as Bethesda Softworks, the company famous for its Elder Scrolls series, released a video (embedded below) displaying some of the art style that will be used in the game (apparently, the game itself is real-time, meaning that it is not rendered in a 3D program, like the Starcraft 2 trailer that I discussed in a previous post was, which is why it lacks detail in comparison). According to the Wikipedia page on Fallout 3, the game is being made under the Gamebyro graphics engine, which was also used to make The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion (which, coincidentally, is the game I happen to be playing through at the moment, having become stuck in the more difficult Protoss levels of the original Starcraft game), allowing the game to be simultaneously released on the PC, Xbox 360, and PS3. As with Blizzard on Starcraft 2, this long-awaited sequel is being finally announced nearly a decade after its original game was released (in this case, Fallout, released September 30, 1997), though it is actually planned to be released Fall of 2008 (my guess being September 30, 1998, which is exactly 10 years after Fallout 2 was released).



Since this is a trailer made by recording in-game footage, it seems that Fallout 3 will be taken into a first person realm, rather than recycling the old isometric view that was classic with the first two (as well as Tactics). Now, I would normally say that a first person perspective would ruin a classic idea, but I think that I am willing to give it a try, seeing how wonderfully Bethesda pulled off Oblivion (and how superb Deux Ex was, despite being a primarily first-person RPG). Most likely this is simply to allow for the re-emergence of the classical "talking heads", while still lending an impressive upgrade in eye candy, for the "new generation." I only hope that they stay true to the style of Fallout; the grungy, Cold War-era (late 40s to early 60s) technology, music, atmosphere, etc., as well as the dark, looming plots and humor that Fallout is so famous for. So far, it looks like they at least have the first part going right, and they even end with the famous "war never changes" line heard in the openings of the first two games.

Now I have yet another game to add to my list of interesting stuff coming out in 2008. Strangely, every US presidential election year seems to be the busiest in gaming. Maybe it's all calculated to keep our spirits up in spite of political turmoil. Long live the games!

Read more.

WOW-E to WALL-E

After months of anxiously waiting, I have finally had the opportunity to see Disney/Pixar's newest film, WALL-E, and I feel obliged to express my deepest feelings of appreciation for this masterpiece.



Before I go into the specifics of the film, let me try to explain why it hit such a chord with me.

Since my childhood of watching many classic musicales and, later on, games such as Fallout, more recently, Bioshock and Grim Fandango, I have had a fascination with the culture of the 30s to 60s, in particular the music and projected Utopian lifestyle. It was a time of great prosperity where, in spite of the problems of the time, the future looked like a bright one. Great music in great films, such as On Moonlight Bay, Singin' in the Rain, and Hello, Dolly!, the latter of which had some film snippets and music in WALL-E, helped to give one a sense of prosperity that would never fail.

Additionally, such works as Star Wars, Star Trek, Alien/Aliens, the Ender Series, etc. have given me a firm love of the fantastical space science fiction genre, particularly the 70s and 80s style, which WALL-E has taken great technological advances to emulate visually.

Then, on top of that, various works, such as the aforementioned Fallout, Solar Flare, Resident Evil (more the first three games than anything else), etc. have sparked an interest in futuristic apocalyptic themes.

WALL-E seamlessly combines the three in an amalgamation of awesome, a compilation of kick-ass, a medley of the monumental.

Now, let's move on to the movie itself.



I went into the theater expecting WALL-E to be fantastic, as, along with game developers Valve and Blizzard, I consider Pixar to be an entertainment company that can "do no wrong." I've liked every movie they have thus far released (yes, including Cars), and I didn't expect WALL-E to be an exception. I vastly underestimated it.

For movies and games, I go with my best hopes being that I walk away feeling unsatisfied. Yes, unsatisfied--wanting more, not because the entertainment was lacking, but because I have become so lost in the world presented, I only wish I could lose myself deeper into it. WALL-E had me wishing I could see it again as soon as I'd stepped out of the theater. I must say, that's a first.

The characters simply wowed me. I anticipated, at best, to think that WALL-E was cute, but my empathy expanded beyond him, to encompass almost every character--even the villains, simply because the concept appealed to me so much. It's similar to how I love GLaDOS from Portal, even though she was the antagonist (in this case, I was fascinated by AUTO). In particular, I loved EVE. Her voice, her laugh, her expressions, her design. Genius.


The movie turned out to not only be a stupendously imaginative science fiction/post-apocalypse film with beautiful visuals (of course, this is Pixar we're talking about--this here ain't no Madagascar), but it also had some truly funny moments, warnings about avoiding excessive consumerism and environmental neglect (which usually annoys me, because it's usually forced down one's throat, but WALL-E lets one take the message, or leave it and just enjoy the movie as a work of fiction), and, what surprised me most, some very, very touching love scenes. I actually shed a tear. Twice. For robot love! Somehow, Pixar managed to make the emotions EVE and WALL-E felt more real to me than any actor has ever done, as I've never become choked up over any human actors' emotions before (with the exception of the triumphant end to Apollo 13 and the bittersweet end to Where the Red Fern Grows). I think it's actually because they are robots. In most movies, when two people get together, I can't help but imagine them fulfill their "love" by having sex after the picture is over. Obviously, that's impossible for two robots. The most they do, and can do, is hold hands and exchange an electric "kiss", and that's enough for them. It's love for the sake of love--there's nothing more innocent and pure than that.

Bottom line: from "Put On Your Sunday Clothes" over the opening space scenes to "Down to Earth" over the ending credits prologue, WALL-E is pure gold and an instant classic. The musical score is great, too. Within an hour and a half, WALL-E has firmly rooted itself at the top of my favorite movies list, even above my beloved Lord of the Rings.



Of course, the movie does have a few flaws that I noticed. All films do. Note that spoilers follow.

UPDATE: I added new observations.

SPOILERS BEGIN:

1. I don't mind at all how the live action film next to the 3D characters look, but some of those films with the CEO of Buy 'n Large looks a bit crappy, in my opinion; particularly when he explains that Earth is too toxic for any plants to survive. His hazard mask looks like something out of a cheap sci-fi flick. - It isn't as bad as I first thought, and any other oddness is probably intentional.

2. Although the Axiom has apparently been in space for seven hundred years, there are only six or seven captain portraits on the bridge. Is the human life span drastically increased, or what? - Yes, they all lived over 100 years, if you read the dates under the portraits.

3. I assume that the plants that end up growing on Earth are able to do so because they have been dormant seeds for so long and just now are finally able to grow. However, it looks like all of the plants are beans of some kind--they don't seem to have a very wide variety, particularly since, in the credits, a ton of flowers, trees, etc. are depicted in what is a sort of prologue. Additionally, it shows some fish, turtles, etc. Where did THEY come from? - Most likely there was some kind of zoo, garden, etc. on the Axiom, and they were just waiting for the planet to be ready for those things to be returned.

4. All the humans supposedly had an extreme loss of bone mass from being in outer space, lying in a hover-bed, for their entire lives, and yet the captain and others seemed to be able to stand alright on the ship, even if they had to waddle to move. Then, when they were on Earth, none of them hand a problem standing or waddling. Considering their extensive body mass and lack of bone, shouldn't their legs have simply broken under their own weight? - I guess the illustrations of the BnL CEO exaggerated the bone loss a bit.

5. WALL-E, after escaping certain destruction from an exploding pod, presents the plant he had saved to EVE, in outer space. Wouldn't that cause the plant to freeze, explode from the lack of pressure, or die in some other way? - I've heard that something won't die instantly in space, but would be able to survive at least ten seconds. I don't know if that's true, but I'm willing to accept it.



There are more little things, but those are the most glaringly apparent to me. The rest I can handle with suspension of belief. - There's actually very little else to complain about.

SPOILERS END

Now, I'm back to anxiously chewing my fingers to the bone, waiting for WALL-E to come to a local theater and come out on DVD. I'm actually more anxious to see it now that I've seen it once than when I'd never seen it before. That alone makes it a great movie.

P.S. If you're anxiously awaiting a chance to see it again, as I am, give the video game a try. It has a condensed (and somewhat inaccurate) version of the movie in its gameplay/cutscenes. Warning: the game sucks as much as the movie rocks. You can find a compiled version of the game's cutscenes into a sort of mini-movie here. Yes, using torrents for such a purpose as this (which is no greater copyright violation than anything on YouTube) is legal, so go ahead and enjoy.

P.S.S. WALL-E is NOT a rip-off of Johnny-5, so stop insisting that he is!

UPDATE: I was aware of a number of Apple-based easter eggs in the movie, including WALL-E emitting the Mac welcome sound after recharging, him watching movies on an iPod, AUTO being voiced by MacInTalk, but the extent of such easter eggs escaped me until I read this article. As beautiful as Apple products are, I still have a simmering dislike of them. Maybe my love of EVE will eventually alleviate that hate?

UPDATE 2: I think that WALL-E has aggravated my OCD--I can't seem to get the music, the story, and the emotions it stirs from my head. Is this love, or am I turning fanatical fan-boy? Too bad there isn't a WALL-E fan community to speak of. What is there to discuss?

In my spare time (while listening to WALL-E's fantastic sound track and wishing I was in a theater instead), I had been attempting to recreate various WALL-E characters as websites, though I think that I'll never actually get around to it. I did, however, get around to designing a Buy n Large website, of sorts. Looking at it makes me cringe a bit. I need to practice before trying anything professional, that's for sure. I did manage to do a fairly good job of recreating the BnL logo in Adobe Illustrator, though.

UPDATE 3: There is a fascinating article at CGSociety about Pixar's work on the various visual effects of WALL-E. I think that my feelings of the movie have been perfectly laid out in a quote from the article.

“I worked on many, many films, and I would say what is special about this film to me, is when you are watching this first act play out before your eyes, it’s easy to feel like you are watching cinema history. It feels like the ground is breaking.”

I've watched the movie twice, and it still feels "like the ground is breaking." I just can't wait for the DVD!

UPDATE 4: I've uploaded the afore-mentioned WALL-E mini-movie to Google Videos (YouTube's fat, pimply younger brother) and embedded it below. Note: contains LARGE spoilers.
EDIT: Okay, someone reported it for some stupid reason. It's not like there aren't such cutscenes all over YouTube, and FULL MOVIES all over Google Videos. WALL-E included (thanks to watch-movies.net--please go and pay for WALL-E before enjoying it at home; it's well worth it). Pricks.

UPDATE 5: Note that a WALL-E fansite of sorts does exist.

UPDATE 6: Squee from the Earthsong forums wrote a great review of WALL-E here.

FINAL UPDATE: One may be interested to read the Pixar Blog and note that, as of this update, WALL-E has passed the $100 million mark. I hope it keeps on going for a long, long time. It more than deserves it.

Additional links: Wall-E Trailers Blog, Production Notes (spoilers)

That Dark Quality

So the other day I was going through Drow Tales (a [fantastic] comic I've mentioned in a previous post), trying to catch up, and I came across a certain flash video made by the artists to celebrate the new year. I was stunned.

Why? Well, because it reminded me so much of the kinds of opening cutscenes that played a huge part in making the Thief series freakin' fantastic!



As a frequent reader would know from a previous post, there are a few themes that really snatch my fascination. Let me lay them out here, along with how I got them:

1. 30s to 60s culture - Fallout, Bioshock, classic musicales

2. Futuristic Sci-fi - Star Trek, Star Wars, the Ender's Game series, Commander Keen series, Starcraft

3. Post-Apocalyptic Themes - Fallout, The Stand, Exmortis 1 and Exmortis 2, Solar Flare, Resident Evil series

4. Fantasy - Lord of the Rings series, Chronicles of Narnia, Nox, Arcanum: Of Steamworks and Magick Obscura, various Dungeons and Dragons computer games

5. Steampunk - Arcanum: Of Steamworks and Magick Obscura, Thief, Bioshock

Now, on to Thief itself.

One of the most fantastic aspects of the series (the first and second in particular, especially Thief 2: The Metal Age, as that was the first I played) was the immersive atmosphere. Its gothic themes (in particular the mix of magic and technology) really brought the game to life for me. Each level (of Thief 1 and 2) would be preceded with a cutscene where Garrett, the protagonist that one plays as, would discuss what needed to be done. The music, the style of the intro art, it all works together to help one feel that they are a true part of this world (and when the graphics look like this, you need great gameplay, a fascinating story, and deep immersion to keep the player intersted).



The series was developed by Looking Glass Studios (rest in peace) for Thief: The Dark Project/Gold and Thief 2: The Metal Age (the creators of the System Shock series) and Ion Storm (rest in peace) for Thief: Deadly Shadows (also the creators of the Deus Ex series). It was the first "first person sneaker" game ever, making use of a heavily-modified version of the first Unreal engine (from the original Unreal Tournament) to create shadows one could "hide" in, as well as the unprecedented "AI hearing" capability (depending on what surface you walked on and how quickly you walked, your footsteps would make a certain amount of noise which could alert nearby AI to your presence). Now, I've Splinter Cell series and tried sneaking part of the Elder Scrolls series, and let me tell you, none of them hold a candle to these classics.



Of the Thief series, Thief 2: The Metal Age was, hands down, my favorite. Thief: The Dark Project/Gold, while loads of fun, were a lot more about being spooked (which is cool) and fighting hordes of monsters, and Thief: Deadly Shadows was much more about the action, choices, etc. In contrast, not only did Thief 2 have the steampunk theme that the others lacked, but it also pitted the player against mostly human enemies, which meant real sneaking. There is very little more satisfying than successfully sneaking through a Thief 2 level, stealing loot, without any of the AI noticing.



By the way, that's another thing that added a lot to the immersion; the AI dialog.



Is there some Monty Python reference in here? I've never seen the movie, so I can't say. Regardless, it's these kind of conversations and situations that one "stumbles upon" that really makes it come to life. That and, of course, the dark, gothic atmosphere.



As seen in the above video, enemies can sometimes really surprise you, and while the shadows and directional audio can help you in your sneaking, it can also obscure enemies and make you unsure of exactly where those loud moans are coming from.



I'm not alone in my love of the Thief series. In fact, even ten years after the series began, there is still a thriving fan community for this game, mostly making fan missions.

Speaking of fan missions, some fans got together and created an unofficial expansion pack for Thief 2: The Metal Age called Thief 2X: Shadows of the Metal Age, which is, in my option, the absolute best fan-made work ever. It is a great example of professional quality in amateurs, and, honestly, almost as good as Thief 2 itself. Even the Thief2X website looks great; I love that gothic design. The expansion pack is free to download, though it requires an installation of Thief 2 in order to work.



Thief: The Dark Project

• Windows 95


• 166 MHz CPU


• 32 MB RAM


• 4 MB PCI or AGP Direct 3D graphics accelerator


• 42 MB available HDD space


• DirectX 6.0

Thief 2: The Metal Age

• Windows 95


• 266 MHz CPU


• 48 MB RAM


• 8 Mb PCI or AGP Direct 3D graphics accelerator


• 250 MB available HDD space


• DirectX 7.0

Thief: Deadly Shadows

• Windows XP


• 1.5 GHz CPU


• 256 MB RAM


• 64 Mb Video Card with Pixel Shader 2.0


• 3 Gb available HDD space


• DirectX 9.0b

In summary, if you haven't played these fantastic games, buy them (or even download them) and do so. If the games themselves aren't enough, then the (literally) hundreds of fan-made missions should be. At the least, try one of the demos.

On Update Delays

For those who are keeping track, it has been over two weeks since I last posted an update. Primarily, this is due to a sudden onset of gameritus that came on thick, leaving me on the edge of my seat for hours on end, playing games ranging from Command and Conquer 3: Tiberium Wars to Neverwinter Nights 2.

Though the latter of these two I have not yet finished playing (making it join the ever-growing list of (great) games that I have recently started anew and not completed, including Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion, Starcraft, Fallout 2, and Planescape: Torment), Command and Conquer 3 has vastly impressed me with its lovely graphics, great storyline, and, like its predecessors, live action cut scenes (and, unlike its predecessors, good acting in said cut scenes).

Though I played Command and Conquer: Tiberian Dawn but in passing, and Command and Conquer : Tiberian Sun and its expansion, Firestorm, not at all, running through their respective Wikipedia articles and cut scenes (available via Youtube) left me none too impressed, allowing me to say, with quite some certainty, that Tiberium Wars is the best of the Command and Conquer Tiberian series.

Specifically, I was never left disappointed with the cut scenes, which made up a large portion of the game (for me, since I play games for the story far more than the gameplay itself), which was a big improvement upon the previous games, whose cut scenes either were drab, included poor acting/special effects, contained odd or disbelievable plots, or simply used the rather annoying style in which you (the player) is played by an actor in the cut scenes (works in some games, but not Tiberian Sun, in which it was used). In contrast, Tiberium Wars never left me feeling like a cut scene did less than its intent; debrief, link, and brief. That is, show me what my efforts brought, connect the current mission to the next, and finally explain what is yet to come. And, of course, it had the same wonderful actor playing Kane, leader of the Brotherhood of Nod, as always.

So, I found the graphics to be quite lovely (best use of a 3D engine in a strategy game I have yet seen), the plot to be fascinating and at least entertainingly clever, the cut scenes to be a real treat to watch, and the gameplay itself challenging (I played most levels on Normal, having to switch occasionally to Easy on particularly tough missions) and fulfilling. In a nutshell, it's a fantastic game, and one I would highly recommend to anyone who enjoys RTS games.

Augment Me, Deus Ex 3

Apparently I haven't been paying enough attention, because the announcement of Deux Ex 3's release completely slipped by me. Now, I adore the original Deus Ex, and even liked Invisible War, even though it was nothing as good as the first (just like how Thief: Deadly Shadows was nothing as good as the first two--just some examples of how improving the graphics can be a bad thing). Now, personally, I also rather enjoyed Bioshock, though I understand a lot of the complaints of it being nothing like System Shock 2 and instead more like Half Life 2 (which I also liked).

Anyway, the point is that I hope they try for something a bit more like the original, as opposed to the second (basically, less action, more story). It has been awhile since I played either game, but I recall enough to say that I enjoyed the augmentation system of Deus Ex far more than the system of Deus Ex 2. Why? Because it makes your character seem more special, while in the sequel, everyone and their dog is augmented (it smacks of Bioshock's blissful use of plasmids). Perhaps even worse is their attempts to force old characters into the sequel, especially considering that one could choose the ending of the first game (see the potential--and awesome--endings for deus ex below).



What's the only worse thing than a sequel in which the beginning is based off of an assumed ending for the prior game (Fallout and Half Life excluded)? Why, a prequel where, regardless of what choices you may have, you already know how it will all turn out. It has not been officially claimed to be a prequel as of yet, but as those of this forum would point out, there are a few suggestions of such in the (in my opinion, poor) trailer.



Basically, I just hope that it doesn't discredit a beloved game, as so many new games, especially sequels, do.

I could go on a tangent about Bioshock, Deus Ex, etc., but I think I will save them for their own episodes of Walk Down Memory Lane, as I should have for Portal.

Ahh, Jazz, Swing It

Moreso over the past few months than ever before have I realized how much I adore jazz, swing, blues, and classical musicals. This adoration has led me to various projects (which I will discuss later), as well as to join the local jazz band at my university. Now, unfortunately, my band program while in High School was less than spectacular, and as a result I never managed to fully learn my chords, nor how to read notes or recognize pitches. Therefore, I ended up playing third trumpet.

The concert went quite well. I didn't make any big mistakes, thankfully, and I believe the audience enjoyed our performance. The below is NOT our band, but it is the same arrangement of one of my favorite songs we played: The Children of Sanchez by Chuck Mangione (alternate version), written for the movie of the same name.



In addition, I adore many songs of the late 30s to early 60s, which I personally consider to be the "golden age" of American culture. Amongst my favorite artists are those of the songs used by the Fallout series, including Louie Armstrong (A Kiss to Build a Dream On) and The Ink Spots (I Don't Want to Set the World On Fire). Oh, and, of course, Judy Garland (The Trolley Song). Note that with the linked-to songs, it's not the visuals that are important, but the music.

Of course, Rodgers and Hammerstein musicals (particularly the later movie renditions thereof) also hold a special place in my heart. The great music is nearly endless, one of my favorites being "My Favorite Things", sung by Julie Andrews.

A couple more songs from The Sound of Music:

Edelweiss


The Lonely Goatherd
(Not embedded because it is hosted by morons, seeing as how it will auto-play without a feature to not do so. Click here to view.)

Note: I couldn't believe how difficult it was to get actual footage of the Lonely Goatherd song from the movie. All I could find was a bunch of people filming themselves singing it, or a dubbed-over version. I don't have a problem with creativity with music, but I should never have to search for fifteen full minutes to find original footage for something as big as the Sound of Music. There's such a thing as too much user-created content when you can't find quality amongst the bogged-down rubbish and parodies.

What The Hellboy? pt 3

NOTE: This article contains satire and is not to be taken seriously.

WARNING: This article contains EXTREME SPOILERS.

Please read part 1 and part 2 before continuing.

It's at this point that the audience has to endure an extremely stupid sequence where Abe is looking for the proper love song for the Princess, then Hellboy comes with beer and the two get smashed and chat in slurring voices about women. They even sing along with the song! It's painful.

Meanwhile, the Prince finally arrives at the Bureau, and his sister, aware of this, throws the map and cylinder into the fire and hides the crown piece in the poetry book she'd been reading. As Hellboy and Abe continue to act like douches, the Prince finds his twin and caresses her in a rather incestuous way while sighing loving words to her in a breathy voice. He knows that she'd hidden the crown piece in a book, but apparently, although he was able to pinpoint the building she was in from miles away, he's not able to pinpoint the book she put it in while they're in the same room together, even when she foolishly glances at the book she hid it in on the shelf. Yeah, that's relay smart, you dumb broad. It's a good thing he wasn't watching your eyes. The Prince does, however, manage to get the the map by taking the red-hot metal cylinder out of the fire, bare-handed, and rolling it out onto a piece of... parchment, I guess. Anyway, it leaves burn marks in the shape of the map. Apparently the cylinder not only contained the map, but had it engraved as well. Why? If this is supposed to be a super-secret place that you don't want anyone to find who shouldn't, why put the map on a metal cylinder? Wouldn't that mean that the map couldn't easily be destroyed, thus making the place you're trying to hide easier to find, as is the case here? Ugh!

Anyway, the Princess manages to sound an alarm that draws everyone to the correct room (how? I don't know--maybe they share the twins' psychic link or something), where, but for a moment's stumbling, Hellboy and Abe completely forget that they're drunk. The slurring and everything is completely gone, though Hellboy DOES lose to the Prince (well, he is trying not to hurt the Prince, since Abe informs him that hurting the Prince would also hurt the Princess, just before the elf does a sneak-attack; he's not very honorable for a prince of elves, is he?), who stabs him with his growing magical spear and breaks off the tip inside of his chest. In the Princess' credit, she doesn't buckle to giving away the location of the piece, even as the Prince is totally kicking Hellboy's ass. A lesser man (*cough* Abe, Liz *cough*) would have given in.

"I'm not going to show you where the crown piece I'm holding is hidden! Nevah!"

So, the Prince demands he get the crown piece within so much time, or else he'll kill the Princess (who he takes along with him). Unfortunately for the merry band of anti-heroes, they are unable to remove the shard from Hellboy, as every time they come nearer, the shard moves closer to Hellboy's heart. How? Magic.

After some would-be tearful moments (if this movie was put together well enough to actually elicit an emotional response), Abe figures out which book the crown piece must be in (the one she had been reading) and takes it out. Meanwhile, Strauss, Manning, and Liz are discussing where the golden army is stored. They've figured out where, but Strauss says that they have their orders from Washington to not go there should they find the crown piece, lest they risk letting the golden army out. Liz, being an emotion-driven bonehead, whines about how they'll "just let him [Hellboy] die." Hmm... Let's see. Go and ask the Prince to remove the shard for them in exchange for the crown piece, thus bringing about the end to all mankind, Hellboy and his friends most likely included, or let Hellboy die. Tough decision, innit?

"Agent Sheyrmon, may I remind you zat I eem ze leater oof zis team?" "Oh, there's no doubt about that, sir. That is what you are, Dr. Krauss, and if ever you were human, that time is long gone." Ohhhh, snap! She went there! Krauss straightens like he just got hit with a yo momma joke or something, and you can tell it's this big, emotional thing. Uh... If ever he was human... he would risk the survival of all humankind for a demon he barely knows and doesn't like? Yup, I guess that makes sense.

Well, after Liz storms out like the senseless woman that she is, Abe, who had also been waiting to be called upon like a good boy, backs away and leaves (it is revealed that he has the crown piece with him), without mentioning what he found. Gee, I wonder where he's going with that. Everyone goes to look for the crown piece, while Krauss waits behind and looks at... a piece of leather, I guess.

"Heloo yoong loowers, whooeweh you eer, I hoop yew chroobelss oor few. Ooll moy goot visheess goo vidd you toonide, Ei'ff been een looff loike you.... "

Then Abe walks up to Liz, who is burning in anger, and she says that, even without the piece, they will have to take get Hellboy out of there and take him to the Prince. Yeah, because the Prince is such a nice guy, I'm sure he'll oblige. Then, when Abe glances nervously away, Liz reaches out and grabs him with her burning hand, then glances at her hand and extinguishes the flame. Uh... Okay. I mean, she was on fire! Shouldn't it at least have singed his outfit? No, it didn't. Big surprise. One could argue that maybe she only burns what she wants to burn, but if that's the case, then why does everyone have to flee when she, say, burned all those tooth fairies earlier on? Couldn't she have focused on only burning them?

Anyway, Abe agrees and they prepare a jet for take-off, trying to hurry before they get stopped for not having authorization to scramble. As they help Hellboy through the halls, Krauss walks up to the three and asks if they have clearance. Liz threateningly pulls out a pistol and says that he won't stop them, but Krauss says that, to the contrary, he has "geeven eet some thought" and that they should be able to save Hellboy. "You say I'm not human anymore, but you are wrong. I understand your pain all too well. A long time ago, I lost the woman I loved; it was, in fact, the source of my present misfortune. I will tell you about it one day, but for now, the tactical advantage is ours! ....Screw the clearance, we will take that [unintelligible]! (insert your own accent into the prior quote)" Unsurprisingly, Krauss never actually tells them the story of his love during the movie, which means that this was all a cheap cop-out to get him to join the rebels. Decades and decades of following the rules meticulously, and just because Liz is a whiny bitch, he decides to turn his back on everything that he's stood for in order to help out a guy he barely knows and doesn't like, possibly at the expense of the entire human race?

"Scroo ze rools! I heff en exccent!"

See, it's that kind of unrealistic character development that puts me off to the movie. This is completely out of character for Krauss, even if he did have a lost love. He's far too logical, by-the-books, and precise to change like this. It just makes absolutely no sense, whatsoever. Sure, you can slap an "I lost a love, too" excuse onto any character and make them change however you like, but it's cheap and cliche'.

So they're all on their way to Ireland, where the golden army is apparently stored. There, while looking for the entrance, they randomly come across not only a goblin, but the goblin who forged the golden army in the first place. He's missing an arm and his lower body because, as is revealed later, he got badly burned while working the forges. Instead, he seems attached to a wooden cart, which he wheels around by pulling himself along on the ground. Yeah, that's right. This goblin has survived thousands of years, chopped in two, going around with his upper half sitting on a cart. Is that stupid? Oh, yeah, that's stupid.

"How do I take a shit?!"

The goblin says that, in exchange for the "shiny thing under the bandage" (the broken-off spear point), he will show them where the entrance to where the golden army is hidden is. After informing him that they can't take it out without killing Hellboy, he says that he knows someone who can and asks if they will trade with him then. They all pause as if considering the idea, which seems kind of funny as the whole reason they're here is to get the shard out, but at last they agree. So, the goblin awakens some stone golem, which sits up, revealing the entrance in its chest. Christ, is this Hellboy, or the Chronicles of Narnia? Because that sounds like something from The Silver Chair.

"Proceed. Touch nothing but the lamp!"

So, after foolishly entering the mystical doorway of potential doom with the weird goblin they just met, the bunch come to a big hole which the goblin implies had been a city at one point, but a plague of "death and silence" befell them after the golden army was stored there. Okaaay. Why? There's no curse associated with the golden army, so why did that happen? There's no reason. After a bit, they come to a big crack in the wall, where the goblin asks Liz and Hellboy to enter, and the rest to remain put. They agree, because someone that ugly and disfigured can't have bad intentions in mind, right?

Once inside, he greets his "friend", who is apparently some angel of death and looks like the love child of Tyrael and the Mouth of Sauron. How that copulation took place, I dare not imagine. Maybe the grandfather was Jeepers Creepers.

+

=

While the goblin continues to whine about wanting his shiny (seriously? I once roleplayed a retarded character who was like that, back when I was an amateur--this is some crap writing), the angel of death hisses to Liz about how Hellboy will eventually bring about the end of the Earth and asks if she's sure that she wants him saved, and, like a complete MORON, she insists that she does. Because, you know, the fate of everything that lives is trivial next to true love. Awww...

Seriously, what a selfish bitch. That really pissed me off about the Matrix movies, too. Maybe it's all noble and stuff to risk the fate of the world for someone you love, but it's also fuckin' stupid. Would I do the same? If I really loved someone, I may, but it's still damn annoying to watch them act so stupid. This is why superheros should never have a significant other--it's always a crutch.

Where was I? Oh, right. The angel of death magically extracts the daggerhead, cackles about Liz having chosen the doom of the world or something, thereby sealing the fact that there will be more sequels in the future. I certainly hope that they turn out better than this one! "You, my dear, will suffer more than anyone." "I'll deal with it." Well, good for you. What about all the billions of other people? What about their loves that will be lost? God!

Okay, okay, I'm done. So Hellboy is healed (after Liz "gives him a reason to live", whispering in his ear that he'll be a father--really, give him a reason to live? isn't being with her reason enough?), the goblin gets his shiny, and they all go to where the golden army is being kept.

They enter the chamber where the Prince and Princess are and the former asks something that I couldn't understand because of the poor voice compression. Krauss tries to answer, but is cut off with, "I wasn't addressing you, Tinman." Wow. I like how the Prince, who has been an exile from society and hates humans, references a classic work of human literature. And by "like", I mean "think that's really stupid." Sure, it may seem like I'm nit-picking, but keep in mind that every line of dialog, every action, every plot twist, was thought out and written down, so it's not a boo-boo like a character's makeup scar moving around from scene to scene, but rather an intentional work, which I feel I have every right to criticize.

Moving on, Abe gives up the crown piece he found for the sake of his love, the Princess. Why, exactly? Didn't they all go to Ireland to get Hellboy healed? Now that he's healed, couldn't they just go back home and leave the Prince without his full crown? I guess that Blue did come for the girl, but why would the Prince just give her up, even if he had his army? Couldn't they take her by force? I mean, what's the Prince going to do, hurt his beloved twin, and, vicariously, himself? Abe's defense is, "you would do the exact same for Liz." I guess that makes them all stupid, Abe and Liz in particular, since they're both willingly gambling the lives of everyone on the planet for the sake of their quaint little warm fuzzies. How pathetic.

GLOMP!

From here, it's mostly a lot of action, for better or worse. The Prince activates the golden army, they all march up and start fighting our intrepid would-be heroes, and chaos ensues. I find it funny, for instance, that Hellboy is able to blow apart these metal machines with his shotgun pistol. Have you ever tried blowing apart a car engine with buckshot? Not that easy.

Then, Krauss possesses one of the machines and begins going on a rampage. I have to wonder, since this is his first time in that body, why is it that he is able to fight far better than any of the other machines? It takes them forever to take him down. While we're at it, why doesn't he just possess the Prince and make him remove his crown? Durr, because that would make sense, I suppose.

Also, I'm guessing that it's magic, and not actual technology, that allows the machines to rebuild themselves after being destroyed. Either way, it looks a bit dumb. It's kind of like the Iron Giant, except completely overdone.

So, at last, Hellboy gets the brilliant idea of challenging the Prince for his right to command (who would have seen THAT coming?). If all you have to do is challenge him, then there's no threat, right? If anyone, at all, sees the golden army coming, just call out a challenge and go into hiding. The golden army will stop functioning, just like that. No problem. Even if it didn't work quite that way, you could easily have someone challenge the Prince's rule, then, I don't know, SHOOT the motherfucker while he was playing with his overcompensating spear.

After challenging the Prince's right to command (after some bullshit about Hellboy having royal blood somehow or another...), the Prince gives Hellboy what looks like a half-katana to fight with against his own spear. And Hellboy wins. Quite decisively. How? Hellboy has lived for, what, 64 years? He fights with, what, his fists and a pistol? Yet, he grabs up this sword and somehow bests an elf who has apparently been practicing with his spear for thousands of years. Can someone explain that to me, please? Because, personally, I think it's yet another glaring plot hole.

Doesn't Prince Angst look an awful lot like that pale guy at the end of The Time Machine in this shot?

After awhile, Hellboy begins pussyfooting around, riding gears and just evading Prince Angst, until, finally, the Princess stabs herself in order to stop her brother. Wow, at least one woman in this movie has some sense. There's some drawn-out death scene that I really don't give a shit about, because this movie has done nothing to make me sympathize with the characters. Instead, they just piss me off. Then, the Pale Prince turns into a statute (because that's what happens when elves die... duh) and, for some reason, crumbles apart. Uh, what made him break apart? What, no answer, just another plot hole? Oh, okay.

So then Abe's left caressing his love's statue (probably glad that he didn't have his cock in her when she died) and acting all mournful, which is kind ironic, really, because it's his fault that they came to this place and had this trouble at all. They could have just healed Hellboy and gone home, and left the Prince to wallow, but no. He had to save the girl. Well, how do you feel about it now, fish-boy? Pleased with your stupid decisions now?

In the end, Liz takes the command crown and melts it with her uber-heat, which again begs the question of how no one else seems bothered by the heat, how her clothes never incinerate, etc. No, it's not nit-picking, it's bad story-telling. They could have put a reason, but they instead insult everyone by assuming they're too stupid to pick up on that. At least in Fantastic Four, they had some kind of (weak though it may have been) explanation for why the flame guy's suit doesn't burn up.

Now, I do like the final line that Dr. Krauss gives to Manning after everyone else has quit and he decides to join them ("Suck my ectoplasmic [something that sounds German]!"). However, I would again point out the fact that him going against protocol, let alone downright quitting, is completely out of character. Hell, why would any of them quit? How has the Bureau hurt them in any way? True, they put the lives of the human race above the life of Hellboy himself, but as a hero, shouldn't he be willing to sacrifice himself to save the world, anyway? Isn't that why he fights? Besides that and Manning just being a dickhole, what's the point of leaving? They'll probably be missing their cool gadgets and purpose in life pretty fast and come crawling back (not, they'll probably be doing great in some suck-ass sequel).

Finally, Liz reveals to Hellboy that there will be, not one, but two children. And she found this out... how? She's showing no signs of being pregnant, which means that it's most likely too early to tell by ultrasound, and Abe only said that she was pregnant, not how many there were (how would he know what a pregnancy sounds like, anyway? has he touched a lot of pregnant women? considering how he usually lives in his tank, I'm guessing not). How, then, would she know? And again, I think that physics would really, really work against Hellboy and, well, any woman copulating. It certainly wouldn't be a pleasant experience for the woman, in any case. Also, is she nuts? Even if Hellboy is a nice enough guy, I'm pretty sure that, if I were a woman, I wouldn't want to have demon-seed festering in my womb, making an anti-Christ or something.

Now, after all of this, you probably think that I really, really hate this movie. Well, honestly, no, I don't. I think it's alright. It's better than most of what's out there, for certain. However, the movie has gotten an 88% fresh rating on RottenTomatoes. That's just insane! That's even better than the original, which at least made sense in its own little world. There is no way this movie deserves that kind of rating. Look at my review--there are glaring problems (or at least oddities) in pretty much every scene. I'm not sure what disillusioned everyone about this movie, but I guess I looked the wrong way when all the rainbows and happy unicorns were prancing about. Either that, I or I'm not apt to suck up to the director, Guillermo del Toro, who everyone is creaming their pants over these days. Honestly, I'm really willing to say that it's not his fault, nor the actors' fault. I mean, there are a lot of great actors in this film, including Ron Perlman, the guy who, among other things, does the trademark "War. War never changes." intro for Fallout games. Instead, I think I will blame the writers for this mess. Maybe I am nitpicking at parts, but a lot of these things are pretty obvious inconsistencies, and I reassert that the character design is pretty poor and the special effects very unrealistic for a modern film.

To top it all off, some kids were saying, "I wish they had shown the baby..." and "I wonder what the baby will look like..." and such jibberish as I exited the theater. You know what? Children suck as sequel devices. Take, for instance, Lady and the Tramp 2, Balto 2, The Little Mermaid 2, hell, [classic Disney cartoon] 2 of almost any kind! They're absolute shit, and to anyone who disagrees, I would simply point to The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull as a shining example. Look at how bad Shrek 3 was, and that pretty much featured the offspring. No, I hope that Liz and Hellboy get into a fight, break up, and give away or abort the little twerp. If not, I have a feeling that the next sequel will be a real stillbirth.

More: Bum Review, review 1, review 2, review 3, review 4