Corral of Mediocrity

NOTE: This article contains satire and is not to be taken seriously.


I love pizza. The soft, crisp yet succulently soft crust, the zesty warmth of the tomato sauce, the sticky, dull flavor of the melted cheese, and the strong, biting flavor of pepperoni. And grease. Lots and lots of oozing, dripping yellow grease. Mmm-mmm.

My favorite place to add inches to my waistline would definitely have to be Pizza Hut. The hand-tossed pizza is just the right thickness, the toppings just plentiful and flavorful enough, and the bread sticks are, I swear, the best of any pizza place. If you go in at the right time, they have a buffet, consisting of a number of pizzas, though never quite of the quality of an ordered one, some bread sticks and cinnamon sticks (which taste like cinnamon rolls--delicious), as well as, of course, a salad bar. What more can one ask for? Even the logo looks great.

Of course, every white needs its black. Every yin needs its yang. Every man needs his woman. Cue Pizza Ranch, the oddly-named chain that is apparently somewhat unique to the Midwest, just as we don't have any White Castles around here. Allow me to explain just why the mere thought of this restaurant is enough to spoil my appetite with the same efficiency as imagining Hilary Clinton douses my erection.

First of all, let's address the logo. First, look at Pizza Hut's logo. It's got a neat, stylized look that shouts "new and casual." The red cap at the top is easily recognizable as representing the iconic Pizza Hut roof, and the choice to have the dot on the "i" be green brings a complimentary color to the red cap, while the yellow streak keeps the lower part of the logo from being bland. Overall, it's a tight, interesting logo that speaks well of the company that it represents.

Compare that to Pizza Ranch's logo. It's not as bad as it could be, but it still severely lacks the tight, uniform and colorful look that the Pizza Hut logo has. Comparing the logos, Pizza Ranch's logo is less interesting, and a lot less "fun." Personally, I think eating is fun, and most will probably agree with me. Thus, it is a good idea to make your restaurant seem fun. That font (as with the name) makes me think of old Westerns, one of the few movie genres that I absolutely refuse to watch in any way, shape, or form (Back to the Future Part III excluded). Also, what's with the covered wagon? When I think of covered wagons, I don't think of ranches; I think of the Oregon Trail. I guess they went that direction because some ranchers would camp out with covered wagons while herding cattle, and because a barn and windmill would be even more bland. I guess my point isn't that it's so much a bad logo (can you come up with any brilliant design for something called "Pizza Ranch"? I can't), but more that it's a stupid name for a restaurant.

Interestingly, White Castle was named such to make burgers, at the time of opening thought to be an extremely filthy food, seem clean and healthy. In contrast, Pizza Ranch isn't afraid to make its food sound bad. What part of "ranch" sounds appetizing, to anyone? Ranches make me think of dusty corrals, dirty animals, and lots of shit splattered around. It's not exactly the kind of thing I would readily want to associate with any food, not even food of Pizza Ranch's caliber.

Now, we get to the literal meat and potatoes of the issue: the food is horrible. Pizza Ranch, unlike Pizza Hut, not only offers a number of pizzas, bread sticks, and a salad bar, but also fried chicken, mashed potatoes, fish/chicken sticks, assorted other dishes, and soft-serve ice cream. Let us address these foods in order of appearance, shall we?

Pizza Ranch's pizza is some of the worst I've ever had. It has extremely thin crust (something I really hate on pizza), is sparse in toppings, and it's very, very greasy. It's like they made a pizza, then deep-fat fried the whole damn thing. Also, it seems to be lacking enough seasoning to really keep my palate interested, and I'm quickly wishing that I had something more flavorful, like a cow pie.

The bread sticks aren't too bad, honestly. They have enough cheese and seasoning to taste pretty good, and, aside from being really soggy, aren't half bad when dunked in some sauce. Really, it's the only food I can stomach in the place. At least they're better than Domino's pathetic excuse for bread sticks, which are really just lumps of dough that are brought up a little past room temperature so that they seem fresh and delicious to an onlooker.

Next is the salad bar. I usually don't care much for salad bars, because salads without good croûtons or some garlic salt are dreadfully bland. There's really little more to say about that, except that Pizza Ranch seems to be lacking much good stuff (like sweet fruits and different kinds of pudding), while having an overabundance of unappealing foods like cucumbers. Ugh, I hate cucumbers.

Now, the fried chicken. If I want fried chicken, I go to KFC and have a delicious extra crispy breaded chicken breast, or maybe a Bouquet box of chicken, but I never, ever want something like this. Their fried chicken sadly lacks any good breading or seasoning, and instead presents you with a scrawny and extremely greasy chunk of flesh. I remember that my mother would tend to disagree about Pizza Ranch, lauding the chicken. Even she would agree that the pizza was horrible, though. Pizza Ranch: best chicken in town.

There's only one way I like mashed potatoes: freshly sliced and hand-mashed. I hate instant mashed potatoes with a passion, and if that's not what Pizza Ranch's potatoes are, then they sure taste that way. Not even butter or their bland gravy can hide how unappealing the potatoes are. I wonder if any of the cooks in the back even taste the food that they make. Is this what they consider high quality?

The chicken and fish sticks are actually not too bad, but they're only good because of the breading on the outside. You can tell that they don't even make them there, but instead buy a number of frozen packages, thaw them, and then put them out to eat. I guess it works, but it certainly screams lazy on the part of the cooks.

Finally, the soft-serve ice cream. I quite like ice cream, though I'm a fan of the harder stuff out of a five quart bucket. Soft serve tends to be less flavorful, and I'm not nearly as fond of the texture. Even with that in mind, Pizza Ranch has some of the blandest ice cream I've ever tasted (well, I suppose Dairy Queen's cones are pretty bad, too). It's like eating a bowl of, well, iced cream. The problem is that there's no ice cream flavor to it, just the texture and cold.

I guess if I had to sum up Pizza Ranch's problems, it's that everything is so... mediocre. I guess nothing's downright horrifically, disgustingly bad, but it doesn't do anything more than it's supposed to. Sure, it has pizza, and it has mashed potatoes, and it has chicken, and it has ice cream, but it doesn't really put any effort or care into making any of them. For the price, I would much rather have some flavorful Chinese food. You know it's bad when your favorite thing about a restaurant is their website design.

What The Hellboy? pt 3

NOTE: This article contains satire and is not to be taken seriously.

WARNING: This article contains EXTREME SPOILERS.

Please read part 1 and part 2 before continuing.

It's at this point that the audience has to endure an extremely stupid sequence where Abe is looking for the proper love song for the Princess, then Hellboy comes with beer and the two get smashed and chat in slurring voices about women. They even sing along with the song! It's painful.

Meanwhile, the Prince finally arrives at the Bureau, and his sister, aware of this, throws the map and cylinder into the fire and hides the crown piece in the poetry book she'd been reading. As Hellboy and Abe continue to act like douches, the Prince finds his twin and caresses her in a rather incestuous way while sighing loving words to her in a breathy voice. He knows that she'd hidden the crown piece in a book, but apparently, although he was able to pinpoint the building she was in from miles away, he's not able to pinpoint the book she put it in while they're in the same room together, even when she foolishly glances at the book she hid it in on the shelf. Yeah, that's relay smart, you dumb broad. It's a good thing he wasn't watching your eyes. The Prince does, however, manage to get the the map by taking the red-hot metal cylinder out of the fire, bare-handed, and rolling it out onto a piece of... parchment, I guess. Anyway, it leaves burn marks in the shape of the map. Apparently the cylinder not only contained the map, but had it engraved as well. Why? If this is supposed to be a super-secret place that you don't want anyone to find who shouldn't, why put the map on a metal cylinder? Wouldn't that mean that the map couldn't easily be destroyed, thus making the place you're trying to hide easier to find, as is the case here? Ugh!

Anyway, the Princess manages to sound an alarm that draws everyone to the correct room (how? I don't know--maybe they share the twins' psychic link or something), where, but for a moment's stumbling, Hellboy and Abe completely forget that they're drunk. The slurring and everything is completely gone, though Hellboy DOES lose to the Prince (well, he is trying not to hurt the Prince, since Abe informs him that hurting the Prince would also hurt the Princess, just before the elf does a sneak-attack; he's not very honorable for a prince of elves, is he?), who stabs him with his growing magical spear and breaks off the tip inside of his chest. In the Princess' credit, she doesn't buckle to giving away the location of the piece, even as the Prince is totally kicking Hellboy's ass. A lesser man (*cough* Abe, Liz *cough*) would have given in.

"I'm not going to show you where the crown piece I'm holding is hidden! Nevah!"

So, the Prince demands he get the crown piece within so much time, or else he'll kill the Princess (who he takes along with him). Unfortunately for the merry band of anti-heroes, they are unable to remove the shard from Hellboy, as every time they come nearer, the shard moves closer to Hellboy's heart. How? Magic.

After some would-be tearful moments (if this movie was put together well enough to actually elicit an emotional response), Abe figures out which book the crown piece must be in (the one she had been reading) and takes it out. Meanwhile, Strauss, Manning, and Liz are discussing where the golden army is stored. They've figured out where, but Strauss says that they have their orders from Washington to not go there should they find the crown piece, lest they risk letting the golden army out. Liz, being an emotion-driven bonehead, whines about how they'll "just let him [Hellboy] die." Hmm... Let's see. Go and ask the Prince to remove the shard for them in exchange for the crown piece, thus bringing about the end to all mankind, Hellboy and his friends most likely included, or let Hellboy die. Tough decision, innit?

"Agent Sheyrmon, may I remind you zat I eem ze leater oof zis team?" "Oh, there's no doubt about that, sir. That is what you are, Dr. Krauss, and if ever you were human, that time is long gone." Ohhhh, snap! She went there! Krauss straightens like he just got hit with a yo momma joke or something, and you can tell it's this big, emotional thing. Uh... If ever he was human... he would risk the survival of all humankind for a demon he barely knows and doesn't like? Yup, I guess that makes sense.

Well, after Liz storms out like the senseless woman that she is, Abe, who had also been waiting to be called upon like a good boy, backs away and leaves (it is revealed that he has the crown piece with him), without mentioning what he found. Gee, I wonder where he's going with that. Everyone goes to look for the crown piece, while Krauss waits behind and looks at... a piece of leather, I guess.

"Heloo yoong loowers, whooeweh you eer, I hoop yew chroobelss oor few. Ooll moy goot visheess goo vidd you toonide, Ei'ff been een looff loike you.... "

Then Abe walks up to Liz, who is burning in anger, and she says that, even without the piece, they will have to take get Hellboy out of there and take him to the Prince. Yeah, because the Prince is such a nice guy, I'm sure he'll oblige. Then, when Abe glances nervously away, Liz reaches out and grabs him with her burning hand, then glances at her hand and extinguishes the flame. Uh... Okay. I mean, she was on fire! Shouldn't it at least have singed his outfit? No, it didn't. Big surprise. One could argue that maybe she only burns what she wants to burn, but if that's the case, then why does everyone have to flee when she, say, burned all those tooth fairies earlier on? Couldn't she have focused on only burning them?

Anyway, Abe agrees and they prepare a jet for take-off, trying to hurry before they get stopped for not having authorization to scramble. As they help Hellboy through the halls, Krauss walks up to the three and asks if they have clearance. Liz threateningly pulls out a pistol and says that he won't stop them, but Krauss says that, to the contrary, he has "geeven eet some thought" and that they should be able to save Hellboy. "You say I'm not human anymore, but you are wrong. I understand your pain all too well. A long time ago, I lost the woman I loved; it was, in fact, the source of my present misfortune. I will tell you about it one day, but for now, the tactical advantage is ours! ....Screw the clearance, we will take that [unintelligible]! (insert your own accent into the prior quote)" Unsurprisingly, Krauss never actually tells them the story of his love during the movie, which means that this was all a cheap cop-out to get him to join the rebels. Decades and decades of following the rules meticulously, and just because Liz is a whiny bitch, he decides to turn his back on everything that he's stood for in order to help out a guy he barely knows and doesn't like, possibly at the expense of the entire human race?

"Scroo ze rools! I heff en exccent!"

See, it's that kind of unrealistic character development that puts me off to the movie. This is completely out of character for Krauss, even if he did have a lost love. He's far too logical, by-the-books, and precise to change like this. It just makes absolutely no sense, whatsoever. Sure, you can slap an "I lost a love, too" excuse onto any character and make them change however you like, but it's cheap and cliche'.

So they're all on their way to Ireland, where the golden army is apparently stored. There, while looking for the entrance, they randomly come across not only a goblin, but the goblin who forged the golden army in the first place. He's missing an arm and his lower body because, as is revealed later, he got badly burned while working the forges. Instead, he seems attached to a wooden cart, which he wheels around by pulling himself along on the ground. Yeah, that's right. This goblin has survived thousands of years, chopped in two, going around with his upper half sitting on a cart. Is that stupid? Oh, yeah, that's stupid.

"How do I take a shit?!"

The goblin says that, in exchange for the "shiny thing under the bandage" (the broken-off spear point), he will show them where the entrance to where the golden army is hidden is. After informing him that they can't take it out without killing Hellboy, he says that he knows someone who can and asks if they will trade with him then. They all pause as if considering the idea, which seems kind of funny as the whole reason they're here is to get the shard out, but at last they agree. So, the goblin awakens some stone golem, which sits up, revealing the entrance in its chest. Christ, is this Hellboy, or the Chronicles of Narnia? Because that sounds like something from The Silver Chair.

"Proceed. Touch nothing but the lamp!"

So, after foolishly entering the mystical doorway of potential doom with the weird goblin they just met, the bunch come to a big hole which the goblin implies had been a city at one point, but a plague of "death and silence" befell them after the golden army was stored there. Okaaay. Why? There's no curse associated with the golden army, so why did that happen? There's no reason. After a bit, they come to a big crack in the wall, where the goblin asks Liz and Hellboy to enter, and the rest to remain put. They agree, because someone that ugly and disfigured can't have bad intentions in mind, right?

Once inside, he greets his "friend", who is apparently some angel of death and looks like the love child of Tyrael and the Mouth of Sauron. How that copulation took place, I dare not imagine. Maybe the grandfather was Jeepers Creepers.

+

=

While the goblin continues to whine about wanting his shiny (seriously? I once roleplayed a retarded character who was like that, back when I was an amateur--this is some crap writing), the angel of death hisses to Liz about how Hellboy will eventually bring about the end of the Earth and asks if she's sure that she wants him saved, and, like a complete MORON, she insists that she does. Because, you know, the fate of everything that lives is trivial next to true love. Awww...

Seriously, what a selfish bitch. That really pissed me off about the Matrix movies, too. Maybe it's all noble and stuff to risk the fate of the world for someone you love, but it's also fuckin' stupid. Would I do the same? If I really loved someone, I may, but it's still damn annoying to watch them act so stupid. This is why superheros should never have a significant other--it's always a crutch.

Where was I? Oh, right. The angel of death magically extracts the daggerhead, cackles about Liz having chosen the doom of the world or something, thereby sealing the fact that there will be more sequels in the future. I certainly hope that they turn out better than this one! "You, my dear, will suffer more than anyone." "I'll deal with it." Well, good for you. What about all the billions of other people? What about their loves that will be lost? God!

Okay, okay, I'm done. So Hellboy is healed (after Liz "gives him a reason to live", whispering in his ear that he'll be a father--really, give him a reason to live? isn't being with her reason enough?), the goblin gets his shiny, and they all go to where the golden army is being kept.

They enter the chamber where the Prince and Princess are and the former asks something that I couldn't understand because of the poor voice compression. Krauss tries to answer, but is cut off with, "I wasn't addressing you, Tinman." Wow. I like how the Prince, who has been an exile from society and hates humans, references a classic work of human literature. And by "like", I mean "think that's really stupid." Sure, it may seem like I'm nit-picking, but keep in mind that every line of dialog, every action, every plot twist, was thought out and written down, so it's not a boo-boo like a character's makeup scar moving around from scene to scene, but rather an intentional work, which I feel I have every right to criticize.

Moving on, Abe gives up the crown piece he found for the sake of his love, the Princess. Why, exactly? Didn't they all go to Ireland to get Hellboy healed? Now that he's healed, couldn't they just go back home and leave the Prince without his full crown? I guess that Blue did come for the girl, but why would the Prince just give her up, even if he had his army? Couldn't they take her by force? I mean, what's the Prince going to do, hurt his beloved twin, and, vicariously, himself? Abe's defense is, "you would do the exact same for Liz." I guess that makes them all stupid, Abe and Liz in particular, since they're both willingly gambling the lives of everyone on the planet for the sake of their quaint little warm fuzzies. How pathetic.

GLOMP!

From here, it's mostly a lot of action, for better or worse. The Prince activates the golden army, they all march up and start fighting our intrepid would-be heroes, and chaos ensues. I find it funny, for instance, that Hellboy is able to blow apart these metal machines with his shotgun pistol. Have you ever tried blowing apart a car engine with buckshot? Not that easy.

Then, Krauss possesses one of the machines and begins going on a rampage. I have to wonder, since this is his first time in that body, why is it that he is able to fight far better than any of the other machines? It takes them forever to take him down. While we're at it, why doesn't he just possess the Prince and make him remove his crown? Durr, because that would make sense, I suppose.

Also, I'm guessing that it's magic, and not actual technology, that allows the machines to rebuild themselves after being destroyed. Either way, it looks a bit dumb. It's kind of like the Iron Giant, except completely overdone.

So, at last, Hellboy gets the brilliant idea of challenging the Prince for his right to command (who would have seen THAT coming?). If all you have to do is challenge him, then there's no threat, right? If anyone, at all, sees the golden army coming, just call out a challenge and go into hiding. The golden army will stop functioning, just like that. No problem. Even if it didn't work quite that way, you could easily have someone challenge the Prince's rule, then, I don't know, SHOOT the motherfucker while he was playing with his overcompensating spear.

After challenging the Prince's right to command (after some bullshit about Hellboy having royal blood somehow or another...), the Prince gives Hellboy what looks like a half-katana to fight with against his own spear. And Hellboy wins. Quite decisively. How? Hellboy has lived for, what, 64 years? He fights with, what, his fists and a pistol? Yet, he grabs up this sword and somehow bests an elf who has apparently been practicing with his spear for thousands of years. Can someone explain that to me, please? Because, personally, I think it's yet another glaring plot hole.

Doesn't Prince Angst look an awful lot like that pale guy at the end of The Time Machine in this shot?

After awhile, Hellboy begins pussyfooting around, riding gears and just evading Prince Angst, until, finally, the Princess stabs herself in order to stop her brother. Wow, at least one woman in this movie has some sense. There's some drawn-out death scene that I really don't give a shit about, because this movie has done nothing to make me sympathize with the characters. Instead, they just piss me off. Then, the Pale Prince turns into a statute (because that's what happens when elves die... duh) and, for some reason, crumbles apart. Uh, what made him break apart? What, no answer, just another plot hole? Oh, okay.

So then Abe's left caressing his love's statue (probably glad that he didn't have his cock in her when she died) and acting all mournful, which is kind ironic, really, because it's his fault that they came to this place and had this trouble at all. They could have just healed Hellboy and gone home, and left the Prince to wallow, but no. He had to save the girl. Well, how do you feel about it now, fish-boy? Pleased with your stupid decisions now?

In the end, Liz takes the command crown and melts it with her uber-heat, which again begs the question of how no one else seems bothered by the heat, how her clothes never incinerate, etc. No, it's not nit-picking, it's bad story-telling. They could have put a reason, but they instead insult everyone by assuming they're too stupid to pick up on that. At least in Fantastic Four, they had some kind of (weak though it may have been) explanation for why the flame guy's suit doesn't burn up.

Now, I do like the final line that Dr. Krauss gives to Manning after everyone else has quit and he decides to join them ("Suck my ectoplasmic [something that sounds German]!"). However, I would again point out the fact that him going against protocol, let alone downright quitting, is completely out of character. Hell, why would any of them quit? How has the Bureau hurt them in any way? True, they put the lives of the human race above the life of Hellboy himself, but as a hero, shouldn't he be willing to sacrifice himself to save the world, anyway? Isn't that why he fights? Besides that and Manning just being a dickhole, what's the point of leaving? They'll probably be missing their cool gadgets and purpose in life pretty fast and come crawling back (not, they'll probably be doing great in some suck-ass sequel).

Finally, Liz reveals to Hellboy that there will be, not one, but two children. And she found this out... how? She's showing no signs of being pregnant, which means that it's most likely too early to tell by ultrasound, and Abe only said that she was pregnant, not how many there were (how would he know what a pregnancy sounds like, anyway? has he touched a lot of pregnant women? considering how he usually lives in his tank, I'm guessing not). How, then, would she know? And again, I think that physics would really, really work against Hellboy and, well, any woman copulating. It certainly wouldn't be a pleasant experience for the woman, in any case. Also, is she nuts? Even if Hellboy is a nice enough guy, I'm pretty sure that, if I were a woman, I wouldn't want to have demon-seed festering in my womb, making an anti-Christ or something.

Now, after all of this, you probably think that I really, really hate this movie. Well, honestly, no, I don't. I think it's alright. It's better than most of what's out there, for certain. However, the movie has gotten an 88% fresh rating on RottenTomatoes. That's just insane! That's even better than the original, which at least made sense in its own little world. There is no way this movie deserves that kind of rating. Look at my review--there are glaring problems (or at least oddities) in pretty much every scene. I'm not sure what disillusioned everyone about this movie, but I guess I looked the wrong way when all the rainbows and happy unicorns were prancing about. Either that, I or I'm not apt to suck up to the director, Guillermo del Toro, who everyone is creaming their pants over these days. Honestly, I'm really willing to say that it's not his fault, nor the actors' fault. I mean, there are a lot of great actors in this film, including Ron Perlman, the guy who, among other things, does the trademark "War. War never changes." intro for Fallout games. Instead, I think I will blame the writers for this mess. Maybe I am nitpicking at parts, but a lot of these things are pretty obvious inconsistencies, and I reassert that the character design is pretty poor and the special effects very unrealistic for a modern film.

To top it all off, some kids were saying, "I wish they had shown the baby..." and "I wonder what the baby will look like..." and such jibberish as I exited the theater. You know what? Children suck as sequel devices. Take, for instance, Lady and the Tramp 2, Balto 2, The Little Mermaid 2, hell, [classic Disney cartoon] 2 of almost any kind! They're absolute shit, and to anyone who disagrees, I would simply point to The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull as a shining example. Look at how bad Shrek 3 was, and that pretty much featured the offspring. No, I hope that Liz and Hellboy get into a fight, break up, and give away or abort the little twerp. If not, I have a feeling that the next sequel will be a real stillbirth.

More: Bum Review, review 1, review 2, review 3, review 4

What The Hellboy? pt 2

NOTE: This article contains satire and is not to be taken seriously.

WARNING: This article contains EXTREME SPOILERS.

Please read part 1 before continuing.

I guess it looked stylish back in the 1800s.

So this troll market is apparently located beneath the Brooklyn bridge. Why has no one found it, you ask? Why, because they didn't have excessively complicated clockwork goggles to see through the cloaking aura of trolls to find one to take them to the market, of course! I mean, isn't it obvious?

Again, I like clockwork steampunk quite a lot, but this all feels over the top and not very well thought out. Why do they have to be these 1876 clockwork goggles? Why not a new scanning device? What is it about "four crystal diopters" that allow one to see through the "cloaking aura of glamor" of trolls, which makes them otherwise appear to be homeless ladies? Homeless ladies which, by the way, are afraid of canaries and eat kittens. I guess it made sense to the writers.

So they find a troll and, because Hellboy loves kittens, beat the shit out of her when she tries to eat one, by which I mean he shows her a canary in a cage. Seriously, could the writers think of no more likely thing for her to be afraid of? At least vampires being afraid of garlic and werewolves afraid of silver kind of makes sense. It harms them, right? What the hell can a canary do?

In any case, the troll reveals the entrance to the market--a sliding panel inside a meat packing plant. From there, it looks like we stepped into that street in Harry Potter after Hagrid taps some bricks with his umbrella. Seriously, it's a whole nother world in there. It may have worked if the first Hellboy movie had fantasy themes, but it didn't. Now, it just feels like they were desperate for a story and couldn't come up with a plot that didn't include fantasy creatures, so they suddenly made this huge, elaborate world that was never even hinted at before. It's like how everyone was revealed to be a pirate on some council in Dead Man's Chest, even though there was absolutely nothing that led up to it. Also, this is the first time that the movie uses a split-screen effect to depict someone on a radio or phone.

"See, this way the audience can tell that we're talking with one another. Isn't that dandy?"

Am I the only one who thinks that this looks really, really corny? And, to make it worse, it's followed by a screen-wipe scene transition.

Also, Manning discusses how Dr. Krauss is this super-efficient guy who always obeys the chain of command, and one assumes that he's been this way for a long, long time, as he's a ghost. This will be important later on.

Before they can fall down the rabbit hole, though, they have to enter this big vault-like door with a complex combination lock. Here, Hellboy really does beat the shit out of the troll-lady, but Krauss simply possesses the lock to get it to open. As has been revealed, he can possess anything, creature or object, alive or dead. Again, Krauss is able to speak even when outside of the suit, which begs the question of why the suit is necessary at all, or, at least, why it has to have a big, metal-and-glass globe for a head. The vault door, like everything else, is excessively elaborate, and Krauss welcomes them to the troll market.

I guess I should be impressed here, but, honestly, I'm not. At all. I don't see any fascinating creature designs or elaborate detail. It's not that it's bad, just very mediocre. Hellboy comments about how no one stares at him in the troll market because they're all equally freaky, but Krauss demands that he keep chatter to a minimum, which is fine with me. One little thing that bugged me, though, is after he tells Liz that he'll talk to her later, she says "Alright. Over and out." That made me cringe.

For those who don't know, "over" is a radio expression that means "I'm finished talking, please respond", while "out" means "I'm finished talking and do not expect a response." So, what "over and out" is saying is "I'm finished and expect a response, but don't respond." See? It makes no sense. It's a cliche', and a mistaken one, at that. I admire films, shows, etc. that just end a radio call with "out", because they know their stuff. "Over and out" is just a testament to the ignorance of the writer.

So, while they're walking around, Abe randomly glances over and sees the twin of the Pale Prince and notices the seal on her braclet from like a mile away and then calls Red for another of those lovely split-screen radio transmission things. Ugh. Also, for a guy who seems like he knows what he's doing so far, Krauss is suddenly totally lost and is unable to get help until finally coming across two particularly ugly specimines of bad character design.

"I'm not a baby, I'm a tumor. Because cancer is funny. Hyuck, hyuck."

I have to admit, these two are some of the worst modern special effects I've ever seen. They're not CG, note, which may please some, but their lip-sync is pretty far off, and they are almost completely inexpressive. Krauss asks them about the tooth fairies, they know nothing, but when asking about the seal found on the containers holding the tooth fairies, they both gasp and look at one another in a completely unrealistic way and insist that they don't want to talk about it, so Hellboy pops up and beats the shit out of them until the one with the baby (no, it's a talking tumor--seriously, was that supposed to be funny?) talks. They say that the fairies were bought by Prince Angst and say that there's talk of war with the human world since the truce has been broken. This is getting more and more far-fetched.

Abe follows the Pale Princess into a shop where she reveals her identity to the owner, who was apparently keeping a cylindrical metal map-holder behind a ceramic beehive-like wall that he has to shatter to get it out. Why? I don't know. Then, Abe comes in and the Princess demands to know why he's following her. He tries to bullshit, but she doesn't believe and instead demands to see his hand. He holds it up (gloved, mind you), and she touches it and reads his mind. Similarly, he reads her mind. That's kind of funny, since, although it is shown that Abe has some psychic powers in the first movie (doesn't he? it's like they forgot about that up to now, because he's not used it at all), but he always had to take off his glove for it to work. Oops! Or is it just because she's psychic as well, they are able to trade thoughts through his rubber spandex suit? Because, of course, all of one's personality actually resides in their palms. You know, where your brain is.

Then there's an awkward, cheesy scene were the two fall suddenly in love with one another. Pale elf woman and freakish blue fish-man? It's a match made in heaven.

Are those Jawas in the background?

Just then, Mr. Wink breaks into the shop to interrupt what would probably otherwise have been an awkwardly forced make-out and sex scene. Apparently Mr. Winks is angry because... he's... because he looks evil. No, I guess he's actually after the Princess, but totally forgets about her in order to fight first Blue, and then Hellboy, who beats the shit out of him and then tricks him into being pulled through a grinder (which is just randomly in the middle of the market--I can't see what the point of its being there is, but it's there--how convenient). Some little two-headed creature runs to the Prince to report that Wink is dead, and he seems pretty devastated for some reason. I guess the two were lovers, or something.

Meanwhile, the Princess shows the crown piece and map (which leads to where the golden army is stored) to Krauss, Hellboy, and Abe. Krauss suggests that she hand the crown piece over, but she insists on keeping it in the oh-so-safe little compartment in the metal thing on her belly. "Where it goes, I go." May I ask why? It would be far more rational to hand it over, since it will be revealed in just a bit (by her) that her brother knows everything she knows, and thus is aware of the location of the Bureau, where they take her. Great thinking there, Princess. Nothing like granite-solid female logic in a time of crisis. She claims that because her father died it somehow makes it a good idea for her to keep the piece, but whatever. Abe vouches for her because he's sporting a slimy fish-boner for her white rose, and, even though Krauss doesn't seem particularly satisfied with that (it's nice to have a voice of reason), Hellboy's insistence on defiance at last wins over.

Suddenly, the Prince is there, saying that Hellboy will pay for killing Mr. Wink. What a lose-lose situation, I mean what else were they supposed to do? He was kind of a thousand pounds of lumbering cyborg troll. To get them back, the Prince releases a bean (after vaguely whispering "kill him" to it--like the bean knows who the Prince is referring to) that rolls its way to water (while everyone stares dumbly) and suddenly grows into a huge plant elemental. Did you see that coming? Because I totally didn't.

So this elemental grows to building-size in a few short moments, bursting out of the street and sending all kinds of people fleeing. One woman who is forced to run from her car, almost looking hesitant to leave, seems to have forgotten her baby inside (seriously, she stares forlornly into her car, but doesn't really complain when she's urged away). Thankfully, Hellboy takes the baby out moments before the car is crushed by the elemental. Hereafter, the entire fight scene between Hellboy and the elemental is done with Hellboy carrying the child in one arm. In his stone arm, no less. I'd think that, during all his strenuous fighting, he'd accidentally tighten his arm just a bit too much, but then what do I know?

Anyway, after Hellboy has beaten (or rather shot with his pistol that seems to fire shotgun shells) the elemental into submission, the Prince is suddenly there to taunt Hellboy about how he may not actually want to kill the elemental, because, like himself and Hellboy, it's the last of its kind. Well, after a moment of thought on Hellboy's part where we get a good look at his beard, the elemental attacks again and Hellboy kills it (with a shot to the head, as is brilliantly recommended by his allies--who woulda thunk it?) after Krauss has been yelling for Hellboy to do just that for what seemed like forever.

Climbing buildings and defeating gigantic monsters while holding a tiny infant? Now that's badass. What a great parent Hellboy will make.

Then, oddly, Hellboy returns the child to its mother as she is meanwhile accusing him of stealing or hurting her baby, and everyone in the crowd begins to suddenly throw rocks and insults at Hellboy, and a cop even almost shoots at him, completely unprovoked ("He's got a weapon in his hand!" "No, that IS his hand!"). What? What the hell? The crowd was there the whole time, and Hellboy was fighting up on the sign of a building, where he's clearly visible. It's perfectly obvious that he saved the baby and defeated the elemental, so why are all the people acting like they didn't see it? They clearly saw what he did! Anyway, Hellboy gets all "shucks, I guess I'm not really appreciated/wanted" and emo and shit. It's like Dark Knight, except it feels really, really forced here. There's absolutely no reason for everyone to hate him like that, and yet they do. Bad writing.

The dead elemental for some reason sprouts into a bunch of pretty foliage and flowers. Why? Iono. There's probably some subtle message here, but I don't get it.

Then, there's back at the base and we get a glimpse of some news reporter discussing the new debate of interspecies marriage. I guess between Liz and Hellboy? Well, it was never implied that they were married or getting married, and hasn't this already been brought up concerning some lesbian and her dog or something? Anyway, Hellboy mopes about his unwarranted existentialism, but Liz has the perfect way to cheer him up; she tells him that she's going to leave him for awhile so she can think. What a way to cheer up an already depressed guy, huh? Way to go, Liz. You're really a top-notch significant other. "Red, why are you with me? Do you need everyone to like you, or am I enough?" What? He's probably with you because it'd be pretty damn hard to find another girl who would date a demon. Size queens are difficult to find you know. The scene ends with a not-so-subtle image of Hellboy leaning forlornly against a television that happens to be playing Bride of Frankenstein. Yeah, we get it.

Then, we cut to the Princess pondering over her map while Abe puts in some contacts. Again, why? I don't really know. Is it a joke or something? Like when Mike from Monsters, Inc. puts in a huge contact? It just seems like a pointless little thing. Then, as the Princess is reading a poem aloud, Abe suddenly walks up to her and cites the poem and author, because he's edjumicated and acts like a faggot. Oh, and again he's not wearing his breathing apparatus.

"I feel strangely attracted to you. It's like some stupid plot device demands it." "Wow, me, too!"

This is where the link between the two twins, both in mind and body, is actually cited. The Princess says that, since she knows where the Bureau is, her brother now knows as well. Shouldn't she be able to know exactly where he is and what he's plotting, then? "It's something I cannot explain," which is just a convenient way of saying, "it makes no sense, but the writer didn't want to think up anything that was more logical, so here we are." Also, she comments on how she can see his eyes now (as though she only just now noticed he wasn't wearing goggles) and they stare deeply at one another as Abe blinks sideways, because his eyelids are on the left and right sides of his eyes, rather than at the top and bottom. Yeah, that's not freaky at all. Apparently fish totally turn this girl on.

She shows him a map that she took out of the cylinder and, as he looks it over, she comments on how brave he was to vouch for her. Not really. I mean, what did he have to lose? It was Hellboy who was really brave, standing up to Dr. Krauss. Abe just wants to get into her dress. Probably literally. God, he acts so prissy and gay, it's kind of annoying.

After a scene where Hellboy stares at himself in a mirror as "Beautiful Freak" plays (I guess I'm supposed to be feeling something for him? because I don't--at all), he and Krauss meet in the locker room and the good doctor chews out Red, insisting that he will learn to obey. Ja! Befolgen Sie, folgen Sie, reichen Sie ein, Sieg heil!

I've got to ask: what's with the rosary beads? It's not like Hellboy is particularly religious in any other way. Is he trying to protect himself... from himself?

Then, the big conflict! I mean, how dare Krauss say that he knew Hellboy's father (who designed his suit--seriously, did his father do everything? wasn't his father a paranormal expert?) and try to connect with Hellboy! "Stop it, right now." "Ooor vhat? Are you sreatening me? Becoos I sink I keen take you." Well, to cut an interesting scene short, Hellboy punches Krauss hard enough to shatter the glass top of his helmet, but Krauss gets back, oh yes. He possesses the lockers, causing them to open suddenly and smack Hellboy repeatedly. Zhat'll shoo heem!

Honestly, Hellboy gets the shit kicked out of him by all kinds of gigantic creatures and gets up without a hitch, but he's somehow brought down by flimsy locker doors? And besides, in order to hit him the way that they do, the lockers have to be hinged opposing one another. Who would build a locker system like that? It makes no sense. The lockers would all be fastened on the same side. And again, Krauss talks, moves, and interacts with things just fine in his gaseous form, so what's the point of possessing the suit and fumbling around with those big glove-fingers all the time?

Oh, snap. Don't fuck with Dr. Krauss, he'll slam a locker in yo face.

And then there's probably the worst pun in the entire film. As Krauss strolls away in his fog-form, singing some German song, Hellboy quips, "Glasshole." Ugh.

Continued in part 3.

What The Hellboy? pt 1

NOTE: This article contains satire and is not to be taken seriously.

WARNING: This article contains EXTREME SPOILERS.

In order to avoid pretentiousness, I feel I should point out that I don't consider myself in any way to be a witty critic, so if this article gets a "well, DUH" attitude about it, please disregard said attitude.

During my enjoyment of WALL-E, I couldn't help but notice posters for a "Hellboy 2: The Golden Army", a movie I had never heard of. I made it my business to see the original before the sequel came out, if for no other reason than the poster art looked so damn cool. The first certainly wasn't a disappointment. Sure, there were some odd bits here and there, but by and large, I really liked it. I thought it was fun and interesting, which is really all I can ask of a movie.

In light of that, I will be reviewing the movie step by step, so if you haven't seen it and don't wish to have it spoiled for you, please wait until after you've seen the film to form your own opinions.

The films opens with a brief explanation about who Hellboy is, how he came to be, etc. That's fine, but then suddenly we're transported to a trailer where Hellboy and his "father" live during Christmas eve in '55. We see the inside of the trailer, with Hellboy watching Howdy Doody (which is kind of funny, since Christmas Eve was a Saturday in '55, and Howdy Doody aired on Monday to Friday at 5:30 to 6:00 PM from '48 to '56). Then, we get our first view of Hellboy as a child, and holy shit, is he one ugly summabitch. His father demands he go to bed, he demands a story, blah blah. This whole boring sequence is really just an excuse for the father to tell a story that (gasp!) is the premise for what the movie is about.

What is that story, you ask?

It is said, that at the dawn of time, man, beast, and all magical beings lived together under *blah*, the father tree, but man had been created with a hole in his heart. A hole that no possession, power, or knowledge could fill, and in his infinite greed, man dreamt of expanding his dominion over the entire earth. The blood of many an elf, ogre, and goblin spilled in their *garbled*, and king Balor, the one-armed king of elf-land, watched the slaughter in dread and despair, but, one day, the master of the goblin blacksmiths offered to build the king a golden, mechanical army, seventy times seventy soldiers, that would not know hunger and could not be stopped. Prince Nu-something begged his father to agree. "Build me this army," the king said. So, a magical crown was forged that would allow those of royal blood to command the golden army if unchallenged. "I am king Balor, leader of the golden army. Is there anyone who disputes my right?" and in his throne room, no one challenged his word.

"Phew, and you thought I was ugly when I grew up!"

Here, the extremely annoying and ugly (especially when brushing his stupid buck teeth) young Hellboy interrupts about whether or not someone could make a challenge for control of the army (think that will be important later on?), and this scene is already way too long.

And so the world was changed, and the next time the humans marched, they felt the earth tremble beneath their feet, and saw the sky darken with monstrous shapes. The golden army had no remorse and felt no loyalty or pain, and King Balor's heart grew heavy with regret. So, he called a truce and divided the crown in three pieces, one for the humans, and two for himself. In exchange, man would keep to the cities, and the magical beings would own the forests. This truce would be honored by their sons and the sons of their sons until the end of time but Prince Nu-something did not believe in the promises of man, and it is said that he went into exile, vowing to return the day his people needed him most. So, the golden army lay dormant, locked inside the earth, waiting, and there it is to this day, awaiting the day the crown is made whole again, silent, still, and indestructible.

After that mess of run-on sentences, I'm sure you're wondering, like I did, just what the hell is going on. For reference, all monsters in the original Hellboy were explained as either a paranormal anomaly (which apparently exist, by the way, and are held in the supah-sekret Bureau of Paranormal Research & Defense's gigantic, stone-slab headquarters building... shhhh) or brought from Hell. As the young Hellboy says, "come on, those things can't be real." That's just what I was thinking: "there's no way they're really combining Lord of the Rings with Hellboy." Well, they didn't. They combined Lord of the Rings, Men in Black, and Harry Potter with Hellboy. Hell, they even rip off They Live later on.

Two things are already apparent about the movie at this point. First is that the movie is way too dark. You can barely see anything. Why? I guess it's in order to depict the angst that the whiny

Sorry, the budget ran short, so we're going to shroud this scene in darkness to hide how much it sucks.

characters go through? I don't know, but I really wish that they would adjust the contrast. Also, the sound is horribly garbled. Maybe it was just the theater I saw it in, but I often found myself wondering just what the characters are saying, because their speech is so badly compressed.

This entire story sequence is depicted with CG mannequins. Now, I don't consider CG in live action films to be an annoyance, but God this scene is crap. I guess I can tell why they did it, but it still stands out as very, very poorly-done in my mind. Then, to celebrate that shitty scene, we get an overly elaborate sequence where we see gears working in some big machine. Now, I love steampunk, but is it really necessary to watch gears turn for half a minute? It may not sound like long, but in the theater, it felt like forever.

Marilyn Manson as an elf. With painted-on ab muscles.

Next, we cut to the subway tunnels where some pale elf (which, at this point, we assume is the aforementioned prince) practices his fighting moves on water droplets. I assume that this guy is partially CG, because something just looks fake about him. One thing I can point out is that his ab muscles look painted on. Also, he looks like an angst-ridden hippie. I guess an elf has to have long, girlish hair. It's a law, or something.

So, anyway, we then move on to see an auction for rich pricks who are bidding on various historical artifacts, such as a fertility goddess and, you guessed it, a piece of the crown. Apparently the sons of the sons of man didn't do such a good job keeping track of the single artifact that kept the golden army from being unleashed and slaughtering all of mankind. Prince Angst shows up and kills a bunch of people, assisted by what looks to be a cross between a Lord of the Rings troll and Hellboy himself, save with a mechanical hand, rather than a stone one (called "Mr. Wink", I guess because it's a stupid name), and steals the artifact after unleashing some horrid creatures and even more horridly-written lines on all the bidders. Apparently no one has a gun, and isn't the elf price, supposedly of some kind of enlightened race, a bit violent? I mean, sure, humanity likes its electronic toys, but is it really worth killing someone because they enjoy their iPods? You know, now that I think about it...

Then, we're taken to the Bureau, where we see the fish-guy, Abe, acting gay. And being ugly. He's shown some pictures of Hellboy taken in public, and Manning (the bald guy from Washington who's really annoying) whines about their cover being blown or something. "Officially, we do not exist." Frankly, I wish that you literally didn't exist. Then, he delivers a line that made me cringe. "I suppressed each photo [and] cellphone video, and they show up on YouTube. God, I hate YouTube." You know what I hate? When movies reference modern pop culture just to cater to the audience. I really, really hate it. Besides, even though the movie probably is meant to take place in 2008, it seems to only take place a few months after the previous movie, which took place in 2004, before YouTube was even founded. I suppose I'm nitpicking about the timeline, but Christ do I hate references like that. Then Manning says that Hellboy hates him and shows a picture of himself that has been used for target practice. I can't say that I blame Hellboy. As good as his actor, Jeffry Tambor, apparently is, I dislike the character with the same passion that many have for Jar Jar. That's probably just the reaction the viewer was meant to have, though.

The fish-man (who doesn't have his breathing apparatus on, which I thought was kind of weird--sure, maybe he doesn't have it on all the time in the first film, but he had it on most of the time;

Selective fire: it's discrimination, for death.

in this one, he barely has it on at all) and Manning then walk through the building on their way to Hellboy's vault as all kinds of odd creatures make noise and cause trouble in the background, and these two act like it's business as usual. Maybe it is, but they barely even react when they're nearly smashed by a flying door. Then, we get a "delicious" taste of the trouble that Hellboy and Liz have been having. By the way, something that bothered me, even from the first movie, was that, even though Liz can be covered in flames, it never singes her clothes, nor Hellboy's clothes, nor anyone who's standing nearby. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to see any more of Hellboy's big, plastic-looking beefy body than I already do, but they don't even attempt to explain this. Also, you'd think that standing next to her while she's completely on fire would be like standing a foot away from a bonfire. It would at least be a bit uncomfortable, but no one seems to notice the heat.

Suddenly, it's a red alert and everyone makes their way to the scene of Price Angst's slaughter after Manning squeezes a promise of discretion out of Red with a cuban cigar bribe. They go into the building of the murders, Red and Liz exchange some relationship babble, and Abe explains that the seals on the containers holding the creatures that Prince Angst set free are symbols of war or something. As the team searches, we get glimpses of these creatures scurrying in the walls. It's revealed that the flying creatures are "tooth fairies" (as Hellboy incredulously exclaims, "Hah!") from some forest or another. Yet another kind of fantasy

They're cute only as long as they don't chew on your teeth.

creature that's a bit hard to swallow, considering Hellboy's setting. Anyway, we are told that they eat calcium from one's body, often going for the teeth first.

As soon as it is revealed what they are, some scurry noisily through a wall near Abe and Liz, and Abe randomly places his bare hand (with all the super-sensitive listening things on it, I guess) onto her abdomen, then says, "Oh, my God. Liz, you're pregnant!" Without a beat, she denies it, but Abe insists that it is so. Personally, I don't realy want to imagine the physics of Hellboy and Liz doing the deed, as he's big enough to gobble her forearm whole. Then, we finally get a glimpse of the tooth fairies, which unsurprisingly kill everyone except the main characters. Eventually, Blue retreats to a vault of some kind while Liz lets herself explode with flame, causing Hellboy (who she warned to

"Talk to the hand, because I can't hear you otherwise."

move) fly out a window and land near the crowd of onlookers below and makes a scene of being a hero. Apparently he forgot or didn't care about the promised cuban cigars.

In the next few scenes, we see Prince Angst on his way to his people's council chambers. Let me pause to point out that this is where one of the big annoyances of the film first shows itself. That is, this film uses way too many damn scene trasitions. Sure, a screen wipe is commonly used in films, but Hellboy 2 has them far too frequenty, along with more noticable transitions, like a diagonal screen wipe. I understand the need for transitions as a storytelling device, but I, the movie watcher, should never notice or be distracted by them. Good transitions are ones that I don't recall ever happening, but if they stand out like they do in Revenge of the Sith, I feel more like I'm watching a powerpoint presentation than a real movie.



So the Pale Prince finds the council chambers after being in exile for what I assume is thousands of years. Funny how he doesn't have any trouble finding it, and how it is conveniently located in the same city as everything else. In this scene, we see another odd thing; sometimes, there is text at the bottom of the movie translating what is being said, and sometimes they just speak English. Why don't they do just one, or just the other?

We find that the Prince has sought out his father and twin sister in order to take the pieces of the crown that they each have and demands them so that he may unleash the golden army on the humans. "The humans have forgotten their Gods, destroyed the earth, and for what? Parking lots! Shopping Malls! Greed is burning a hole in their hearts that will never be filled; they will never have enough!" Okay, we get it. Humans are greedy and evil. Christ, not too subtle, is it? Besides, for someone who doesn't trust the promise of man, he seems to be the one about to really break the truce. What, did they expect that man would never cut down any trees? How else would people build houses? His father refuses outright and orders his death in order to stop him from breaking the truce, so Prince Angst, being the loving protector of his waning people that he is, slays all the guards and murders his father in front of everyone in the council chambers. What patriotism! Also, it is revealed in this scene that he and his sister share a link so that if he's injured, she suffers the exact same injury, and vice versa. I guess because they're twins, and that's how twins work. Duh. That's probably also how he knew where to find them, as it is later revealed that whatever his sister knows, he knows as well. Why, then, do they not at all prepare for his coming? Anyway, his sister runs away and he has to rush to find her. I guess that shared knowledge thing only works when it's convenient for the plot.

Back in the Bureau, Manning tells Hellboy that he's called in a professional, Johann Krauss, to lead the team and keep an eye on him. Let me say that I think that Johann is a really neat character with a kick-ass German accent and fantastic voice-acting, but I'm consistently puzzled by his character design. First of all, he looks like a biohazard suit with insect mandibles on the front and constantly vents some smoky gas. Why? I have no idea, and it doesn't explain. We find out, though, that he is actually a ghost of some kind, made up of that smoke (ectoplasm, I guess). However, even when he's outside of the suit, he's able to talk and manipulate objects, and even possess people and objects. What, then, is the point of the suit in the first place? And what's with those damn mandibles? They're distracting.

"Aygeent Heellboy, I eem yew fezzer!" *krrsshhh*

Krauss possesses the dead body of one of the tooth fairies in order to get it to explain what it knows about this and that. By the way, it seems that merely seeing the creature's corpse is enough for Krauss to determine that it was bought and sold on the black market and sealed in an oppressively small container. I suppose he could have deduced the latter from seeing pictures of the containers they found at the slaughter scene, but how the hell did he know where it came from? Couldn't the Pale Prince have captured them from the wild (since realism and this movie are experiencing the same awkward relationship trouble that Hellboy as Liz)? Also, apparently Krauss can speak tooth fairy chatter. How would he have learned that? Regardless, the creature explains that it came from a troll market or something, then chokes to death as Krauss loses control of "its limbic system." If he was only controlling the creature's limbic system (mental capacities of emotion, behavior, and long-term memory), how did he get the rest of its body to function?

Continued in part 2.

I've Been Haxxored!

Someone has recently been trolling the tubes of teh intarwebs throughout the Spore fansite communities, some of these trollers/spammers posing as people from various forums, apparently intending to start inter-community brawls.

Normally, I wouldn't care, but what's this?

Ebilest Cyborg Teddy Evah!

Someone actually posed as ME? Complete with avatar and everything! Cerebral Stasis (don't look--there's some pretty embarrassing crap out there) has been my alias for years now, until I found that cyborg teddy bear character in an anime (*cough* for adults) and came up with the name Cybearg. It's so amazing; someone has masqueraded as me, causing oodles of hate to rain down on myself for something I didn't do. I feel like a presidential candidate with all this attention.

I think I'm going to have a wet dream. :3

Actually, what's funnier is that I may have actually said that kind of stuff, if I was drunk or something. Unfortunately for that theory, I don't drink, nor do drugs. Still amusing, though.

Guess I'd better register and apologize for the misuse of mah kopyritted naem, huh?

At least they'll know it's not me because I'd never, ever use a horrid, non-transparent .png to .jpg to .gif image like the spammer did.

Welcome To The Loser's Club

Cue Makemake, the newest Plutoid.


My illustrations suck.

Voting For The Politically Retarded

NOTE: This article contains satire and is not to be taken seriously.

One who has lived in the United States for some time knows that voting is seen as more than just a right--it's a damn obligation. Between the constant campaign advertisements, "go vote" posters, and other such reminders, a resident is almost led to forget that their vote is essentially minuscule and worthless, and that they are most likely choosing between the equivalents of ball torture and forced anal penetration. The country goes into this cranky PMS once every four years, wherein bloody stupid Americans go out to add to the collective juices pooling on the tampon that is the polls.

Send a JibJab Sendables® eCard Today!

Keeping in mind my opinions about an individual vote being worthless, I had initially considered making a quick buck by selling it to the highest bidder, but it seems that someone else spoiled it for the rest of us. I really know and care nothing for what either candidate has to offer (not that either are likely to keep any promises, anyway), so in lieu of picking a candidate based on something as unimportant as age or race, I've decided to decide whom I will vote for based on something that truly tells what the candidate is about; their website.

Let's start by comparing them, shall we? Obama's homepage is, unsurprisingly, at BarackObama.com, while McCain's is, equally unshockingly, at JohnMcCain.com. Let's take a look between the two and see what there is to see.

No one says that you can tell a candidate by their website, but I'm going to pretend that they do and review each website in turn. After all, the websites are intended to give an impression about the men they represent, right? So they should be able to reflect their respective candidates like an open book (I think I messed up that idiom).

Where shall we start? Well, let's first compare the website designs as a whole, side by side.




Judging from the website design alone, Obama is new, shiny, crisp, and interesting, while McCain is old, overused, bland, and boring. While Obama's site uses bright colors, gentle curves, and clever design, McCain's is like any business site you'd see out there--dark and drab. Dare I say such blasphemy, but Obama's website has all the beauty and charm of a new Apple product, and I actually mean that in an approving way.

+ 1 to Obama

Let's move on to headers. For the sake of organization, I'll break it down into two parts: the logo and the rest.

I think that anyone with eyes has to admit that Obama's logo is certainly appealing. Not only is one likely to instantly associate the logo with the face, as they're so close together, but the logo itself is elegantly beautiful. The white in the center of the blue over gently curving lines suggests the sun rising in a clear sky over fertile hills, while the colors clearly are those of the United States flag, and, on top of all that, the white circle makes one see an "O." O for Obama. The logo brings images of prosperity to one's mind--prosperity and harmony. Genius design.

Let's compare that to McCain's logo. Well, we see that it's white and yellow on blue. Okay, nothing particularly appealing there. Oh, there's a single star. What, like the symbol of a brigadier general? Or is it supposed to be the symbol of a rear admiral (the rank that McCain just couldn't quite reach)? Whichever the case, McCain's logo reminds one of what his position would be as president, and shows that he is very proud of the military power he would wield, probably meaning he wouldn't be a particularly peaceful president. Maybe that's a good thing to other folks, but to me it's just a down-side.

+ 1 to Obama

Next is the remainder of the header.


Thanks to the slick design of Obama's website, the header is crisp and interesting, with a captivatingly detailed, yet not overpowering, background with an easy-to-read and noble-looking quote in the foreground. The quote itself suggests that, in spite of his age, Obama knows what he's doing and what he's fighting for, as well as being on the same level as the people around him. Then there's the conveniently-located sign-up form just to the right that grabs one's attention without breaking the flow of the design. Even the link to see a Spanish version of the website doesn't seem at all out of place.



McCain again fails hard due to the design. First of all, the header itself looks like some kind of advertisement, due to the bounding white box surrounding it. Then, McCain's looking distantly out to the right in his picture, as though he's distracted or something (as compared to Obama's logo, where he's glancing up and out in a thoughtful or surveying manner). Then, those words, "Reform*Prosperity*Peace" are used in such a way that it sounds like you're being brainwashed. Does anyone else think of 1984 or They Live when reading them? Further to the right are the links, "VOLUNTEER," "DONATE," and "EN ESPAÑOL." Now, while Obama's header form is for news and updates, McCain sounds like he's demanding things from his supporters, rather than inviting them to join in. It's like, "WORK FOR ME," and "GIVE ME MONEY!" I'd equate the overall effect like meeting someone's blind date and, after shaking hands, asking for a blowjob and a sandwich. A bit too forward, in my opinion. Wait until you get to first base, or at least until I get to the navigation bar!



+ 1 to Obama

Now, on to said nav bar.



There is little to say about the nav bars, since both are essentially the same (though Obama's, of course, is less boring thanks to good design), though I like how the sub-links show up right away when rolling over one of Obama's links, rather than scrolling out for McCain. The scrolling effect just seems like one of those cheesy Javascript gimmicks that an amateur web designer uses to make their otherwise boring website seem cooler, kinda like falling snow or page transitions. Also, McCain's choice to have "contribute" rather than "donate" makes it sound like he's demanding money. I have to ask, though, why is it that Obama's sub-links have "the" and "for" italicized? Unless I'm missing some kind of catchprase allusion here, it seems really out of place.


McCain has a little bit extra in his navigation menu, though, like his header, it seems out of place and reminds me too much of an advertisement. Really, it looks like one of those "Who will you vote for? Vote to win a prize!" things that look like you can select a radio button, but if you click you find out that it's just a solid image that links you to a scam-site. Yet another bad design choice.

+ 1 to Obama

Next is the first row of primary content. Obama's site seems to have two main chunks, while McCain has three chunks. We'll address each one in turn.

Since McCain is the oddball here with three chunks of content, let's get his first one out of the way right off the bat. I actually like this little sub-navigation menu, because it uses only Javascript and CSS (and none of that godawful Flash) to accomplish an impressive little eyecandy effect, while still looking pretty good and being functional (even if they look a bit like advertisements). One question, though: Pork Invaders? What the Hell is that, some kind of euphemism for ass-rape? Oh, no, wait, it's just a Space Invaders rip-off, I assume to appeal to the younger generation. Lame. Also, it kind of alienates the vegetarians/vegans, Muslims, and Jews, doesn't it?





The first big chunk of Obama's content is, I have to say, damn pretty. Using only Javascript, it performs a very pretty effect while still being easy to use, and the images that accompany the sections are downright beautiful. Also, there seems to be something for debunking common lies ("smears") about Obama. That's good--silence implies confirmation, and it's good to know that Obama is aware of the propaganda that is put out there to discredit him. I wonder what rebuttals McCain offers?


Again, McCain's page manages to make a critical design point look like an advertisement due to a lack of good blending. On the other hand, having a video right there (as opposed to Obama's page, where you click the "play" link on the "video" only to find that it was just a picture of a video that then redirects you to the actual video), which is very convenient. Yes, the video is Flash, but I forgive that, because Flash is great for embedded content, be it audio and video. Other than that, though, I hate, HATE to see Flash used on a website for the sake of unnecessary animations (particularly in navigation bars, since I like to use Firefox's tab function by middle-clicking on links that interest me to open them in new tabs while leaving the page I'm on loaded for later, when I return--Flash doesn't allow for middle-clicks on links). However, I notice that there's no link to debunk what his opponents say about him. I guess that means that he either doesn't respect them enough to give a rebuttal, or he's confirming their suspicions. Either way, it's not such a good move on his part. Also, he has a link called the "Lexington Project", which is apparently what his party calls their energy plan.

Maybe I'm just a loony, but "Lexington Project" makes me think "Manhattan Project", which makes me think big explosions and lots of dead Japanese people. Hopefully McCain's Lexington Project is a bit less lethal, for the sake of all the disillusioned anime fans that have infested the country. Also, why call it a "project?" When something is called the Insertnamehere Project, it sounds really secretive, like a government cover-up story for some kind of new weapon or big mistake. Not exactly the kind of images I'd want my new president's policies to bring to mind.

+ 1 for Obama

The second part of Obama's website is certainly the most boring part of the entire design, though it manages to bore in a pretty way, like watching a Miss Teen USA with nice tits demonstrate her stupidity. I'm not saying that it's an unnecessary component, or that it has no flare (I do like the style of the link icons), but I get the feeling that it could have been done better. The "volunteer" link is very well-done, though. The simple graphic, combined with the word, implies that one will stand out from the bland crowd if they offer their support to the party.



McCain's website certainly isn't boring in the final space. In fact, it's way too cluttered. While it's meant to function much like the form in Obama's header does, the odd color choice (I don't see that particular shade of blue anywhere else on the website) and messy clutter of links makes it look like some kind of Myspace widget, and that's not a good thing. Again we see McCain using the word "contribute," which, although perhaps a pointless observation, makes him sound a lot more greedy than Obama, who only asks for "donations." A "contribution" sounds something a Smurf does to maintain the status quo, not something an individual offers out of the goodness of his or her heart.

Then, there's a little bit of text above the form that says, "Join the Team." What team? Is this some kind of snooty elitist organization, or are we all going to play ball and drink beer? I can see how it's trying to make the reader feel like a part of the party, but I think that it tragically misses the runway and crashes headlong into a schoolbus full of children.

Below the form are a number of links, the first of which being "Recruit 5 Friends." Recruit? What is this, some kind of suicide bombers club? Also, why five? Maybe I only have four friends. Then below "Register to Vote" is "Signup Family / Friends." What does that mean, exactly? Does McCain support forcing your political beliefs upon your family and friends, rather than letting them make their own educated opinions based on the evidence at hand or is this just a means of signing them up to be flooded by brainwashing spam? Next is "Spread the Word," which I've got no complaints about, save that such a link should probably be bigger and easier to locate, since maximizing support would logically be the primary goal of a candidate.

Then, there's "McCainSpace." Are you fucking kidding me? That is, without a doubt, the lamest attempt at catering to the youth I have ever seen. Why don't you just have your website say, "Help us pwn the Democrats," McCain? This kind of thing doesn't make you look hip and and clever, it makes you look old and boring. And fucking stupid.

At last, there's a link called "Cause Greater Than Self." Huh? Because what's greater than self? Oh, I see; it means "participate in a cause that is greater than you are." Gee, what a way to woo potential voters: remind them of how small and insignificant they are in your grand plan. Great thinking there, McCain. It really gives me the warm fuzzies about how much you care for the little guy.

+2 to Obama, just because of that McCainSpace thing. It's not so clever now, is it?


Further down on the prettier of the two sites we see "ObamaBlog." Not that I'd dare question a presidential candidate's grammatical competence, but shouldn't it be "Obama's Blog?" ObamaBlog just sounds like the name of some kind of open source software or something. I guess it's supposed to fit with "BarackTV," title-wise, but I think that "ObamaTV" (at least he wasn't pretentious enough to try something like BarackTube) and "BarackBlog" would have sounded better. Anyway, I have no complaints about the blog itself; the design is clean, the text easy to read, and the navigation easy to use.

Since McCain's website doesn't have any kind of blog, we'll skip right to the news block on Obama's website, though I would like to pause for a moment to say that I really like the design of the additional link blocks to the right of the blog and news. In addition to the aforementioned BarackTV, there's a welcome message for Hillary supporters (good thinking, trying to welcome them--they'll be a necessary part of the voter base), a Know the Facts block (of which I applaud the excellent typography choices), and, finally, a block for my.barackobama.com, which I guess is a kind of social network spin-off. While I detested how McCain's website did it, I think that Barack's site pulled it off quite well. Not only do I really, really like how it first depicts the address with Obama's party logo, but the text to describe the service is actually enticing, and this is from a guy who hates Myspace's guts and thinks that Facebook is the most annoying thing since the rickroll.

Anyway, on to the news. There's really not much to say in this regard for Obama's website, since it's the exact same design as the blog block (and there is nothing wrong with that, mind you). So, without further adieu, let's move on.


McCain's fugly website combines news, his weekly radio address, pictures, and upcoming events all into one block, like clothes stuffed into a suitcase to make everything fit. First, unlike Obama's website, McCain's doesn't actually show any news, it just has a number of archived links to news articles. Not that there's anything wrong with that, except that it's boring and inconvenient. Then, there's the weekly radio address, which has a short description and a small flash applet to play the radio address. I like this, rather than having a direct file linked to for download (although having the direct link as well would be convenient for those who don't like to listen to long discussions off their browser). Next are the "Photos of the Week." What? Why, exactly? Is McCain trying to prove that he knows how to be a celebrity by pretending to care enough about random onlookers to have pictures taken with them? Note that these pictures are almost at the absolute bottom of the front page of his website, so it's not like a whole lot of people are going to see them, and, again, what's the point? I guess he figured, "Oh, I'll bet that there are all kinds of people out there who love me so much that they need spank material to construct a shrine. I'd better help them out!" Seriously, why do I want to see a bunch of pictures of your family, yourself, and random onlookers? How does this entice me to vote for you?

+ 1 for Obama


Next on Obama's website is a block called ObamaEvents which apparently helps one locate nearby upcoming events, which is quite helpful, and looks great while being helpful. Then, there's ObamaMap, which I don't quite see the point of. If it's not to display upcoming events (the above search supposedly does that), then why is it there? Is it to tally those who have visited the site? Seems a bit pointless, though I really have no complaints. Again, it fits the design and doesn't look out of place, so a lack of practical functionality isn't so much of an issue.


Then there's ObamaStore, where you, too, can purchase quality merchandise, such as Obama '08 buttons, Obama '08 shirts, and Obama '08 rally signs. Well, it's no Cafepress, but what other kinds of merchandise would you really expect a presidential candidate's website to offer? Aside from the classic, "Our Party's Penis is Bigger Than Your Party's Penis" mug, of course.

Up a ways and to the right is ObamaMobile. Honestly, is Obama going to prefix everything he does? "I've got a new ObamaPlan to cut back on ObamaTaxes using Obamacuts to the Obamaconomy." Anyway, I'm sure that people who have cell phones and like to pay extra for stupid things like sending messages on a tiny keypad would be happy to know that they can text "Hope" to 62262 (note that if you keep the sixes and add up the twos, you get 666) for some stupid reason that I don't understand. Does texting this let Obama know that you're a supporter? I'm sure that will really help him sleep at night. If not for your text message, he may have lost his beauty sleep over whether or not you, one person out of over three hundred million, really cared.

At last, there's ObamaEverywhere, and I mean everywhere. Pretty much every popular social networking/web 2.0 site I was aware of is listed here, and good for him. A large part of his popularity is riding on how he's reached out to the online communities. Hopefully his effort will pay off, showing that the Internet contains more than mindless Myspace brainfarts.




Aside from those little links at the bottom of the webpage that no one really cares about, there's little more to say about Obama's website. Now, McCain's has one more block that I wanted to discuss. It's something called "McCain&You: Your State and Coalitions." McCain&You? It sounds like Barny & Friends, or something gay like that. Why is McCain suddenly interested in "you", when, just before, he said that his grand plan was more important than you were ("Cause Greater Than Self")? Probably because there's a donate link just under this block. Below the McCain&You title are a number of drop-down boxes that allow one to select various options to get information about his views on things, or something like that. You know, one of the big problems with this website is that it uses boring Web 1.0 components like radio buttons, drop-down boxes, and text boxes that have no modified color or font. I'm almost surprised that the title bar of McCain's website doesn't say "Untitled Document."

+ 1 for Obama


There's one last thing about these websites that I would like to compare: their bookmark icons. A good website has a memorable bookmark icon, which is a small graphic that shows up next to the website when it's bookmarked, or next to its address bar or tab (depending on your browser). Note that, while McCain has a white box and colorless star (exciting, huh?), Obama not only has one with transparent edges (I love transparency), but is also a very colorful and recognizable rendition of his campaign logo.

+ 1 for Obama

Which brings the final score to:

Obama: 9, McCain: 0

As of this moment, I will be featuring a link to Obama's website on my blog.

You may have noticed that I got more and more affectionate towards Obama (or rather, his website) as I went along, and more and more rough with McCain (read: McCain's website). It's not bias, but rather that, the more I saw of McCain's website, the more I associated him with being annoying, boring, lame, and old, just as I associated Barack with being interesting, clever, and fresh. Maybe, by picking the prettier of the two websites, I'm being just as ignorant as if I'd picked them based on who had the prettier face, but in the end, a politician is going to lie, so you may as well have one that can give you a boner while it's happening.