Reaping The Fruits

So although I had intended to write an article today, I instead found myself fascinated by the idea of recreating the old website header. I have used Adobe Illustrator quite extensively in the past to create landscapes (my favorite things to create), but it was only today that I decided to use my college tablet's stylus to do it. Up until now, I had only used my mouse, modifying anchor points one by one until I got what I wanted. Boy, was I missing out. Using the stylus has given me a chance to put in detail I could only have dreamed of before.

Big thanks to Adam Phillips, as his art style was a huge inspiration in my work.

Normally, I wouldn't create a post for something like this, but I am so proud of the result, I feel I just have to. Yay me!

Incidentally, there may not be a new article on Monday, though hopefully I'll figure out a good way to start an extensive step-by-step review of Mass Effect.

What The Hellboy? pt 3

NOTE: This article contains satire and is not to be taken seriously.

WARNING: This article contains EXTREME SPOILERS.

Please read part 1 and part 2 before continuing.

It's at this point that the audience has to endure an extremely stupid sequence where Abe is looking for the proper love song for the Princess, then Hellboy comes with beer and the two get smashed and chat in slurring voices about women. They even sing along with the song! It's painful.

Meanwhile, the Prince finally arrives at the Bureau, and his sister, aware of this, throws the map and cylinder into the fire and hides the crown piece in the poetry book she'd been reading. As Hellboy and Abe continue to act like douches, the Prince finds his twin and caresses her in a rather incestuous way while sighing loving words to her in a breathy voice. He knows that she'd hidden the crown piece in a book, but apparently, although he was able to pinpoint the building she was in from miles away, he's not able to pinpoint the book she put it in while they're in the same room together, even when she foolishly glances at the book she hid it in on the shelf. Yeah, that's relay smart, you dumb broad. It's a good thing he wasn't watching your eyes. The Prince does, however, manage to get the the map by taking the red-hot metal cylinder out of the fire, bare-handed, and rolling it out onto a piece of... parchment, I guess. Anyway, it leaves burn marks in the shape of the map. Apparently the cylinder not only contained the map, but had it engraved as well. Why? If this is supposed to be a super-secret place that you don't want anyone to find who shouldn't, why put the map on a metal cylinder? Wouldn't that mean that the map couldn't easily be destroyed, thus making the place you're trying to hide easier to find, as is the case here? Ugh!

Anyway, the Princess manages to sound an alarm that draws everyone to the correct room (how? I don't know--maybe they share the twins' psychic link or something), where, but for a moment's stumbling, Hellboy and Abe completely forget that they're drunk. The slurring and everything is completely gone, though Hellboy DOES lose to the Prince (well, he is trying not to hurt the Prince, since Abe informs him that hurting the Prince would also hurt the Princess, just before the elf does a sneak-attack; he's not very honorable for a prince of elves, is he?), who stabs him with his growing magical spear and breaks off the tip inside of his chest. In the Princess' credit, she doesn't buckle to giving away the location of the piece, even as the Prince is totally kicking Hellboy's ass. A lesser man (*cough* Abe, Liz *cough*) would have given in.

"I'm not going to show you where the crown piece I'm holding is hidden! Nevah!"

So, the Prince demands he get the crown piece within so much time, or else he'll kill the Princess (who he takes along with him). Unfortunately for the merry band of anti-heroes, they are unable to remove the shard from Hellboy, as every time they come nearer, the shard moves closer to Hellboy's heart. How? Magic.

After some would-be tearful moments (if this movie was put together well enough to actually elicit an emotional response), Abe figures out which book the crown piece must be in (the one she had been reading) and takes it out. Meanwhile, Strauss, Manning, and Liz are discussing where the golden army is stored. They've figured out where, but Strauss says that they have their orders from Washington to not go there should they find the crown piece, lest they risk letting the golden army out. Liz, being an emotion-driven bonehead, whines about how they'll "just let him [Hellboy] die." Hmm... Let's see. Go and ask the Prince to remove the shard for them in exchange for the crown piece, thus bringing about the end to all mankind, Hellboy and his friends most likely included, or let Hellboy die. Tough decision, innit?

"Agent Sheyrmon, may I remind you zat I eem ze leater oof zis team?" "Oh, there's no doubt about that, sir. That is what you are, Dr. Krauss, and if ever you were human, that time is long gone." Ohhhh, snap! She went there! Krauss straightens like he just got hit with a yo momma joke or something, and you can tell it's this big, emotional thing. Uh... If ever he was human... he would risk the survival of all humankind for a demon he barely knows and doesn't like? Yup, I guess that makes sense.

Well, after Liz storms out like the senseless woman that she is, Abe, who had also been waiting to be called upon like a good boy, backs away and leaves (it is revealed that he has the crown piece with him), without mentioning what he found. Gee, I wonder where he's going with that. Everyone goes to look for the crown piece, while Krauss waits behind and looks at... a piece of leather, I guess.

"Heloo yoong loowers, whooeweh you eer, I hoop yew chroobelss oor few. Ooll moy goot visheess goo vidd you toonide, Ei'ff been een looff loike you.... "

Then Abe walks up to Liz, who is burning in anger, and she says that, even without the piece, they will have to take get Hellboy out of there and take him to the Prince. Yeah, because the Prince is such a nice guy, I'm sure he'll oblige. Then, when Abe glances nervously away, Liz reaches out and grabs him with her burning hand, then glances at her hand and extinguishes the flame. Uh... Okay. I mean, she was on fire! Shouldn't it at least have singed his outfit? No, it didn't. Big surprise. One could argue that maybe she only burns what she wants to burn, but if that's the case, then why does everyone have to flee when she, say, burned all those tooth fairies earlier on? Couldn't she have focused on only burning them?

Anyway, Abe agrees and they prepare a jet for take-off, trying to hurry before they get stopped for not having authorization to scramble. As they help Hellboy through the halls, Krauss walks up to the three and asks if they have clearance. Liz threateningly pulls out a pistol and says that he won't stop them, but Krauss says that, to the contrary, he has "geeven eet some thought" and that they should be able to save Hellboy. "You say I'm not human anymore, but you are wrong. I understand your pain all too well. A long time ago, I lost the woman I loved; it was, in fact, the source of my present misfortune. I will tell you about it one day, but for now, the tactical advantage is ours! ....Screw the clearance, we will take that [unintelligible]! (insert your own accent into the prior quote)" Unsurprisingly, Krauss never actually tells them the story of his love during the movie, which means that this was all a cheap cop-out to get him to join the rebels. Decades and decades of following the rules meticulously, and just because Liz is a whiny bitch, he decides to turn his back on everything that he's stood for in order to help out a guy he barely knows and doesn't like, possibly at the expense of the entire human race?

"Scroo ze rools! I heff en exccent!"

See, it's that kind of unrealistic character development that puts me off to the movie. This is completely out of character for Krauss, even if he did have a lost love. He's far too logical, by-the-books, and precise to change like this. It just makes absolutely no sense, whatsoever. Sure, you can slap an "I lost a love, too" excuse onto any character and make them change however you like, but it's cheap and cliche'.

So they're all on their way to Ireland, where the golden army is apparently stored. There, while looking for the entrance, they randomly come across not only a goblin, but the goblin who forged the golden army in the first place. He's missing an arm and his lower body because, as is revealed later, he got badly burned while working the forges. Instead, he seems attached to a wooden cart, which he wheels around by pulling himself along on the ground. Yeah, that's right. This goblin has survived thousands of years, chopped in two, going around with his upper half sitting on a cart. Is that stupid? Oh, yeah, that's stupid.

"How do I take a shit?!"

The goblin says that, in exchange for the "shiny thing under the bandage" (the broken-off spear point), he will show them where the entrance to where the golden army is hidden is. After informing him that they can't take it out without killing Hellboy, he says that he knows someone who can and asks if they will trade with him then. They all pause as if considering the idea, which seems kind of funny as the whole reason they're here is to get the shard out, but at last they agree. So, the goblin awakens some stone golem, which sits up, revealing the entrance in its chest. Christ, is this Hellboy, or the Chronicles of Narnia? Because that sounds like something from The Silver Chair.

"Proceed. Touch nothing but the lamp!"

So, after foolishly entering the mystical doorway of potential doom with the weird goblin they just met, the bunch come to a big hole which the goblin implies had been a city at one point, but a plague of "death and silence" befell them after the golden army was stored there. Okaaay. Why? There's no curse associated with the golden army, so why did that happen? There's no reason. After a bit, they come to a big crack in the wall, where the goblin asks Liz and Hellboy to enter, and the rest to remain put. They agree, because someone that ugly and disfigured can't have bad intentions in mind, right?

Once inside, he greets his "friend", who is apparently some angel of death and looks like the love child of Tyrael and the Mouth of Sauron. How that copulation took place, I dare not imagine. Maybe the grandfather was Jeepers Creepers.

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While the goblin continues to whine about wanting his shiny (seriously? I once roleplayed a retarded character who was like that, back when I was an amateur--this is some crap writing), the angel of death hisses to Liz about how Hellboy will eventually bring about the end of the Earth and asks if she's sure that she wants him saved, and, like a complete MORON, she insists that she does. Because, you know, the fate of everything that lives is trivial next to true love. Awww...

Seriously, what a selfish bitch. That really pissed me off about the Matrix movies, too. Maybe it's all noble and stuff to risk the fate of the world for someone you love, but it's also fuckin' stupid. Would I do the same? If I really loved someone, I may, but it's still damn annoying to watch them act so stupid. This is why superheros should never have a significant other--it's always a crutch.

Where was I? Oh, right. The angel of death magically extracts the daggerhead, cackles about Liz having chosen the doom of the world or something, thereby sealing the fact that there will be more sequels in the future. I certainly hope that they turn out better than this one! "You, my dear, will suffer more than anyone." "I'll deal with it." Well, good for you. What about all the billions of other people? What about their loves that will be lost? God!

Okay, okay, I'm done. So Hellboy is healed (after Liz "gives him a reason to live", whispering in his ear that he'll be a father--really, give him a reason to live? isn't being with her reason enough?), the goblin gets his shiny, and they all go to where the golden army is being kept.

They enter the chamber where the Prince and Princess are and the former asks something that I couldn't understand because of the poor voice compression. Krauss tries to answer, but is cut off with, "I wasn't addressing you, Tinman." Wow. I like how the Prince, who has been an exile from society and hates humans, references a classic work of human literature. And by "like", I mean "think that's really stupid." Sure, it may seem like I'm nit-picking, but keep in mind that every line of dialog, every action, every plot twist, was thought out and written down, so it's not a boo-boo like a character's makeup scar moving around from scene to scene, but rather an intentional work, which I feel I have every right to criticize.

Moving on, Abe gives up the crown piece he found for the sake of his love, the Princess. Why, exactly? Didn't they all go to Ireland to get Hellboy healed? Now that he's healed, couldn't they just go back home and leave the Prince without his full crown? I guess that Blue did come for the girl, but why would the Prince just give her up, even if he had his army? Couldn't they take her by force? I mean, what's the Prince going to do, hurt his beloved twin, and, vicariously, himself? Abe's defense is, "you would do the exact same for Liz." I guess that makes them all stupid, Abe and Liz in particular, since they're both willingly gambling the lives of everyone on the planet for the sake of their quaint little warm fuzzies. How pathetic.

GLOMP!

From here, it's mostly a lot of action, for better or worse. The Prince activates the golden army, they all march up and start fighting our intrepid would-be heroes, and chaos ensues. I find it funny, for instance, that Hellboy is able to blow apart these metal machines with his shotgun pistol. Have you ever tried blowing apart a car engine with buckshot? Not that easy.

Then, Krauss possesses one of the machines and begins going on a rampage. I have to wonder, since this is his first time in that body, why is it that he is able to fight far better than any of the other machines? It takes them forever to take him down. While we're at it, why doesn't he just possess the Prince and make him remove his crown? Durr, because that would make sense, I suppose.

Also, I'm guessing that it's magic, and not actual technology, that allows the machines to rebuild themselves after being destroyed. Either way, it looks a bit dumb. It's kind of like the Iron Giant, except completely overdone.

So, at last, Hellboy gets the brilliant idea of challenging the Prince for his right to command (who would have seen THAT coming?). If all you have to do is challenge him, then there's no threat, right? If anyone, at all, sees the golden army coming, just call out a challenge and go into hiding. The golden army will stop functioning, just like that. No problem. Even if it didn't work quite that way, you could easily have someone challenge the Prince's rule, then, I don't know, SHOOT the motherfucker while he was playing with his overcompensating spear.

After challenging the Prince's right to command (after some bullshit about Hellboy having royal blood somehow or another...), the Prince gives Hellboy what looks like a half-katana to fight with against his own spear. And Hellboy wins. Quite decisively. How? Hellboy has lived for, what, 64 years? He fights with, what, his fists and a pistol? Yet, he grabs up this sword and somehow bests an elf who has apparently been practicing with his spear for thousands of years. Can someone explain that to me, please? Because, personally, I think it's yet another glaring plot hole.

Doesn't Prince Angst look an awful lot like that pale guy at the end of The Time Machine in this shot?

After awhile, Hellboy begins pussyfooting around, riding gears and just evading Prince Angst, until, finally, the Princess stabs herself in order to stop her brother. Wow, at least one woman in this movie has some sense. There's some drawn-out death scene that I really don't give a shit about, because this movie has done nothing to make me sympathize with the characters. Instead, they just piss me off. Then, the Pale Prince turns into a statute (because that's what happens when elves die... duh) and, for some reason, crumbles apart. Uh, what made him break apart? What, no answer, just another plot hole? Oh, okay.

So then Abe's left caressing his love's statue (probably glad that he didn't have his cock in her when she died) and acting all mournful, which is kind ironic, really, because it's his fault that they came to this place and had this trouble at all. They could have just healed Hellboy and gone home, and left the Prince to wallow, but no. He had to save the girl. Well, how do you feel about it now, fish-boy? Pleased with your stupid decisions now?

In the end, Liz takes the command crown and melts it with her uber-heat, which again begs the question of how no one else seems bothered by the heat, how her clothes never incinerate, etc. No, it's not nit-picking, it's bad story-telling. They could have put a reason, but they instead insult everyone by assuming they're too stupid to pick up on that. At least in Fantastic Four, they had some kind of (weak though it may have been) explanation for why the flame guy's suit doesn't burn up.

Now, I do like the final line that Dr. Krauss gives to Manning after everyone else has quit and he decides to join them ("Suck my ectoplasmic [something that sounds German]!"). However, I would again point out the fact that him going against protocol, let alone downright quitting, is completely out of character. Hell, why would any of them quit? How has the Bureau hurt them in any way? True, they put the lives of the human race above the life of Hellboy himself, but as a hero, shouldn't he be willing to sacrifice himself to save the world, anyway? Isn't that why he fights? Besides that and Manning just being a dickhole, what's the point of leaving? They'll probably be missing their cool gadgets and purpose in life pretty fast and come crawling back (not, they'll probably be doing great in some suck-ass sequel).

Finally, Liz reveals to Hellboy that there will be, not one, but two children. And she found this out... how? She's showing no signs of being pregnant, which means that it's most likely too early to tell by ultrasound, and Abe only said that she was pregnant, not how many there were (how would he know what a pregnancy sounds like, anyway? has he touched a lot of pregnant women? considering how he usually lives in his tank, I'm guessing not). How, then, would she know? And again, I think that physics would really, really work against Hellboy and, well, any woman copulating. It certainly wouldn't be a pleasant experience for the woman, in any case. Also, is she nuts? Even if Hellboy is a nice enough guy, I'm pretty sure that, if I were a woman, I wouldn't want to have demon-seed festering in my womb, making an anti-Christ or something.

Now, after all of this, you probably think that I really, really hate this movie. Well, honestly, no, I don't. I think it's alright. It's better than most of what's out there, for certain. However, the movie has gotten an 88% fresh rating on RottenTomatoes. That's just insane! That's even better than the original, which at least made sense in its own little world. There is no way this movie deserves that kind of rating. Look at my review--there are glaring problems (or at least oddities) in pretty much every scene. I'm not sure what disillusioned everyone about this movie, but I guess I looked the wrong way when all the rainbows and happy unicorns were prancing about. Either that, I or I'm not apt to suck up to the director, Guillermo del Toro, who everyone is creaming their pants over these days. Honestly, I'm really willing to say that it's not his fault, nor the actors' fault. I mean, there are a lot of great actors in this film, including Ron Perlman, the guy who, among other things, does the trademark "War. War never changes." intro for Fallout games. Instead, I think I will blame the writers for this mess. Maybe I am nitpicking at parts, but a lot of these things are pretty obvious inconsistencies, and I reassert that the character design is pretty poor and the special effects very unrealistic for a modern film.

To top it all off, some kids were saying, "I wish they had shown the baby..." and "I wonder what the baby will look like..." and such jibberish as I exited the theater. You know what? Children suck as sequel devices. Take, for instance, Lady and the Tramp 2, Balto 2, The Little Mermaid 2, hell, [classic Disney cartoon] 2 of almost any kind! They're absolute shit, and to anyone who disagrees, I would simply point to The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull as a shining example. Look at how bad Shrek 3 was, and that pretty much featured the offspring. No, I hope that Liz and Hellboy get into a fight, break up, and give away or abort the little twerp. If not, I have a feeling that the next sequel will be a real stillbirth.

More: Bum Review, review 1, review 2, review 3, review 4

The Irradiated Future

As has been established, I love 30s to 60s culture. I'd have to say it's because of the almost childlike hopeful attitude that is so prominent at the time. Life and the economy were good (after the Great Depression and in particular after WWII, of course), and everyone seemed to think that everything was uphill from there, like they had found perfection and it would last forever. Untrue, of course, but that naive enthusiasm for the future has a certain charm to it.

When I think of this kind of culture, I think either the great USA versus the evil Nazis and twisted Japanese or the last island of capitalism in the shark-infested ocean of communism. It was riddled with new advances driven by fear and war and tons of propaganda, usually given in campy little PSAs, like Duck and Cover, mostly because the future looked frightening, but people wanted to fool themselves and others into thinking it would all turn out alright.

In stark contrast, Fallout is grittily dystopian with everything having hit rock bottom and no real sign of the next hill in sight. This contrasts so vividly with the utopian views of the cold war culture, it's like ebony and ivory. It's so darkly humorous to see, say, old, faded posters proclaiming the glory of the future hanging on the walls of filthy, half-destroyed buildings in the middle of a wasteland, it's hard to imagine someone not appreciating the atmospheric contrasts.

For an example of the contrasting atmospheres, just look at the below montage to see what I mean.



I've heard that Fallout was based on Wasteland, Mad Max, and other such things (which I have peered at but never really gotten into, myself), but when I think Fallout, I think three things: gritty, atmospheric, and violent. A vague list, maybe, but I think that anyone who has played Fallout 1 and 2 has to admit that the game is essentially those three things.

As far as CRPGs go, Fallout is classic, and any self-proclaimed roleplaying game fan will most likely have played at least one game in the series. It has spawned a cult following, though I would recommend avoiding much of the fan community, as they are, in my experience, a bitter and unpleasant lot.

All the buzz (and concern, I suppose) has been about the newest game in the series, Fallout 3. With Bethesda at the wheel, it's hard to say whether it will be a credit or insult to the original material. As much as I liked Fallout 2, though, I do hope that the third cuts down on the immersion-breaking pop culture references.

I think that one of the hardest things to pull off will be the immersive, believable atmosphere. Naturally, that's the hardest part for any storyteller, but I think that it will be particularly difficult for someone who's never created the game to find that sweet spot of atmosphere concurrence. In Bethesda's credit, I think that they are really, honestly trying, and that they have the right idea in mind. Look at their diaries, hell their website design, if you have any doubt of that. It's obvious that they know what they're doing. For a good example, see the E3 '08 trailer below.



Ahh, such a fantastic job. The intro PSA looks exactly like something someone would see in the 50s. I couldn't ask for it to be better, and their choice of music is superb as well. My only real concerns come with the game footage.

As I have described, one of the main points of Fallout is the violence. Some complain that Fallout's graphics are dated, but I beg to differ. There is an enormous amount of detail packed into those sprites, and I really don't think that more is necessary, or even worthwhile.

Even the talking heads, simple as they may be compared to rendering a 3D model on the fly, don't break immersion in the slightest (if anything, they add to it).



In fact, it's done so well, I think that Bethesda will have a bit of trouble recreating it in full 3D. The nice thing about sprites (and the talking heads are more or less sprites) is that they are just a number of images that are shown in succession, and displaying an image takes practically no system resources. In contrast, stuffing that kind of detail into a 3D model is very taxing for a computer to render, plus the detail has to be uniform. In the case of the talking heads, there doesn't have to be a great-looking back of the head, because no one will see that. In Fallout 3, the quality has to be the same on all parts of the model, which may mean that the model has lower-resolution textures, less polygons, etc.

Another thing that concerns me is atmosphere. When the entire game is a bunch of images overlaying other images, all seen from a high isometric perspective, it's easy to make it look like there is more detail than there actually is. When you can actually walk up to something in first person and observe it up close, though, any lack of detail becomes glaringly apparent. Additionally, something looks a bit... wrong with the in-game footage. Maybe it could use the barrel distortion techniques employed in Mass Effect, which I will be sure to discuss in detail soon enough.

Yahtzee of Zero Punctuation mentioned Fallout 3 in his E3 overview, but I have to clarify one point; you won't always see a long, cinematic death for every enemy you fight, it's controlled by the fight mode you have selected, so at least there's an option to disable it should it become tedious (Final Fantasy VII in particular suffered from that, especially when the attack cinematics clocked in at around half a minute or more).



All in all, I think that Bethesda is on the right track to capturing what made Fallout great, though I do hope that they polish the graphics a bit before release, in particular the much-hyped death shots. Unfortunately, you just can't realistically pack the kind of detail into a 3D model for a game necessary to make it really look like someone's just gotten their side blown out or arm shot off. Sprites are great with that, because they can do whatever they like--they're just a succession of pictures. 3D models are limited by geometry and how it interacts with the environment and itself. In particular, I get the feeling that I'm just looking at a full 3D model that was chopped up into parts, then glued back together in the case of the player going at a mutant with a gatling gun; they fall apart like they are some kind of toy.

What The Hellboy? pt 2

NOTE: This article contains satire and is not to be taken seriously.

WARNING: This article contains EXTREME SPOILERS.

Please read part 1 before continuing.

I guess it looked stylish back in the 1800s.

So this troll market is apparently located beneath the Brooklyn bridge. Why has no one found it, you ask? Why, because they didn't have excessively complicated clockwork goggles to see through the cloaking aura of trolls to find one to take them to the market, of course! I mean, isn't it obvious?

Again, I like clockwork steampunk quite a lot, but this all feels over the top and not very well thought out. Why do they have to be these 1876 clockwork goggles? Why not a new scanning device? What is it about "four crystal diopters" that allow one to see through the "cloaking aura of glamor" of trolls, which makes them otherwise appear to be homeless ladies? Homeless ladies which, by the way, are afraid of canaries and eat kittens. I guess it made sense to the writers.

So they find a troll and, because Hellboy loves kittens, beat the shit out of her when she tries to eat one, by which I mean he shows her a canary in a cage. Seriously, could the writers think of no more likely thing for her to be afraid of? At least vampires being afraid of garlic and werewolves afraid of silver kind of makes sense. It harms them, right? What the hell can a canary do?

In any case, the troll reveals the entrance to the market--a sliding panel inside a meat packing plant. From there, it looks like we stepped into that street in Harry Potter after Hagrid taps some bricks with his umbrella. Seriously, it's a whole nother world in there. It may have worked if the first Hellboy movie had fantasy themes, but it didn't. Now, it just feels like they were desperate for a story and couldn't come up with a plot that didn't include fantasy creatures, so they suddenly made this huge, elaborate world that was never even hinted at before. It's like how everyone was revealed to be a pirate on some council in Dead Man's Chest, even though there was absolutely nothing that led up to it. Also, this is the first time that the movie uses a split-screen effect to depict someone on a radio or phone.

"See, this way the audience can tell that we're talking with one another. Isn't that dandy?"

Am I the only one who thinks that this looks really, really corny? And, to make it worse, it's followed by a screen-wipe scene transition.

Also, Manning discusses how Dr. Krauss is this super-efficient guy who always obeys the chain of command, and one assumes that he's been this way for a long, long time, as he's a ghost. This will be important later on.

Before they can fall down the rabbit hole, though, they have to enter this big vault-like door with a complex combination lock. Here, Hellboy really does beat the shit out of the troll-lady, but Krauss simply possesses the lock to get it to open. As has been revealed, he can possess anything, creature or object, alive or dead. Again, Krauss is able to speak even when outside of the suit, which begs the question of why the suit is necessary at all, or, at least, why it has to have a big, metal-and-glass globe for a head. The vault door, like everything else, is excessively elaborate, and Krauss welcomes them to the troll market.

I guess I should be impressed here, but, honestly, I'm not. At all. I don't see any fascinating creature designs or elaborate detail. It's not that it's bad, just very mediocre. Hellboy comments about how no one stares at him in the troll market because they're all equally freaky, but Krauss demands that he keep chatter to a minimum, which is fine with me. One little thing that bugged me, though, is after he tells Liz that he'll talk to her later, she says "Alright. Over and out." That made me cringe.

For those who don't know, "over" is a radio expression that means "I'm finished talking, please respond", while "out" means "I'm finished talking and do not expect a response." So, what "over and out" is saying is "I'm finished and expect a response, but don't respond." See? It makes no sense. It's a cliche', and a mistaken one, at that. I admire films, shows, etc. that just end a radio call with "out", because they know their stuff. "Over and out" is just a testament to the ignorance of the writer.

So, while they're walking around, Abe randomly glances over and sees the twin of the Pale Prince and notices the seal on her braclet from like a mile away and then calls Red for another of those lovely split-screen radio transmission things. Ugh. Also, for a guy who seems like he knows what he's doing so far, Krauss is suddenly totally lost and is unable to get help until finally coming across two particularly ugly specimines of bad character design.

"I'm not a baby, I'm a tumor. Because cancer is funny. Hyuck, hyuck."

I have to admit, these two are some of the worst modern special effects I've ever seen. They're not CG, note, which may please some, but their lip-sync is pretty far off, and they are almost completely inexpressive. Krauss asks them about the tooth fairies, they know nothing, but when asking about the seal found on the containers holding the tooth fairies, they both gasp and look at one another in a completely unrealistic way and insist that they don't want to talk about it, so Hellboy pops up and beats the shit out of them until the one with the baby (no, it's a talking tumor--seriously, was that supposed to be funny?) talks. They say that the fairies were bought by Prince Angst and say that there's talk of war with the human world since the truce has been broken. This is getting more and more far-fetched.

Abe follows the Pale Princess into a shop where she reveals her identity to the owner, who was apparently keeping a cylindrical metal map-holder behind a ceramic beehive-like wall that he has to shatter to get it out. Why? I don't know. Then, Abe comes in and the Princess demands to know why he's following her. He tries to bullshit, but she doesn't believe and instead demands to see his hand. He holds it up (gloved, mind you), and she touches it and reads his mind. Similarly, he reads her mind. That's kind of funny, since, although it is shown that Abe has some psychic powers in the first movie (doesn't he? it's like they forgot about that up to now, because he's not used it at all), but he always had to take off his glove for it to work. Oops! Or is it just because she's psychic as well, they are able to trade thoughts through his rubber spandex suit? Because, of course, all of one's personality actually resides in their palms. You know, where your brain is.

Then there's an awkward, cheesy scene were the two fall suddenly in love with one another. Pale elf woman and freakish blue fish-man? It's a match made in heaven.

Are those Jawas in the background?

Just then, Mr. Wink breaks into the shop to interrupt what would probably otherwise have been an awkwardly forced make-out and sex scene. Apparently Mr. Winks is angry because... he's... because he looks evil. No, I guess he's actually after the Princess, but totally forgets about her in order to fight first Blue, and then Hellboy, who beats the shit out of him and then tricks him into being pulled through a grinder (which is just randomly in the middle of the market--I can't see what the point of its being there is, but it's there--how convenient). Some little two-headed creature runs to the Prince to report that Wink is dead, and he seems pretty devastated for some reason. I guess the two were lovers, or something.

Meanwhile, the Princess shows the crown piece and map (which leads to where the golden army is stored) to Krauss, Hellboy, and Abe. Krauss suggests that she hand the crown piece over, but she insists on keeping it in the oh-so-safe little compartment in the metal thing on her belly. "Where it goes, I go." May I ask why? It would be far more rational to hand it over, since it will be revealed in just a bit (by her) that her brother knows everything she knows, and thus is aware of the location of the Bureau, where they take her. Great thinking there, Princess. Nothing like granite-solid female logic in a time of crisis. She claims that because her father died it somehow makes it a good idea for her to keep the piece, but whatever. Abe vouches for her because he's sporting a slimy fish-boner for her white rose, and, even though Krauss doesn't seem particularly satisfied with that (it's nice to have a voice of reason), Hellboy's insistence on defiance at last wins over.

Suddenly, the Prince is there, saying that Hellboy will pay for killing Mr. Wink. What a lose-lose situation, I mean what else were they supposed to do? He was kind of a thousand pounds of lumbering cyborg troll. To get them back, the Prince releases a bean (after vaguely whispering "kill him" to it--like the bean knows who the Prince is referring to) that rolls its way to water (while everyone stares dumbly) and suddenly grows into a huge plant elemental. Did you see that coming? Because I totally didn't.

So this elemental grows to building-size in a few short moments, bursting out of the street and sending all kinds of people fleeing. One woman who is forced to run from her car, almost looking hesitant to leave, seems to have forgotten her baby inside (seriously, she stares forlornly into her car, but doesn't really complain when she's urged away). Thankfully, Hellboy takes the baby out moments before the car is crushed by the elemental. Hereafter, the entire fight scene between Hellboy and the elemental is done with Hellboy carrying the child in one arm. In his stone arm, no less. I'd think that, during all his strenuous fighting, he'd accidentally tighten his arm just a bit too much, but then what do I know?

Anyway, after Hellboy has beaten (or rather shot with his pistol that seems to fire shotgun shells) the elemental into submission, the Prince is suddenly there to taunt Hellboy about how he may not actually want to kill the elemental, because, like himself and Hellboy, it's the last of its kind. Well, after a moment of thought on Hellboy's part where we get a good look at his beard, the elemental attacks again and Hellboy kills it (with a shot to the head, as is brilliantly recommended by his allies--who woulda thunk it?) after Krauss has been yelling for Hellboy to do just that for what seemed like forever.

Climbing buildings and defeating gigantic monsters while holding a tiny infant? Now that's badass. What a great parent Hellboy will make.

Then, oddly, Hellboy returns the child to its mother as she is meanwhile accusing him of stealing or hurting her baby, and everyone in the crowd begins to suddenly throw rocks and insults at Hellboy, and a cop even almost shoots at him, completely unprovoked ("He's got a weapon in his hand!" "No, that IS his hand!"). What? What the hell? The crowd was there the whole time, and Hellboy was fighting up on the sign of a building, where he's clearly visible. It's perfectly obvious that he saved the baby and defeated the elemental, so why are all the people acting like they didn't see it? They clearly saw what he did! Anyway, Hellboy gets all "shucks, I guess I'm not really appreciated/wanted" and emo and shit. It's like Dark Knight, except it feels really, really forced here. There's absolutely no reason for everyone to hate him like that, and yet they do. Bad writing.

The dead elemental for some reason sprouts into a bunch of pretty foliage and flowers. Why? Iono. There's probably some subtle message here, but I don't get it.

Then, there's back at the base and we get a glimpse of some news reporter discussing the new debate of interspecies marriage. I guess between Liz and Hellboy? Well, it was never implied that they were married or getting married, and hasn't this already been brought up concerning some lesbian and her dog or something? Anyway, Hellboy mopes about his unwarranted existentialism, but Liz has the perfect way to cheer him up; she tells him that she's going to leave him for awhile so she can think. What a way to cheer up an already depressed guy, huh? Way to go, Liz. You're really a top-notch significant other. "Red, why are you with me? Do you need everyone to like you, or am I enough?" What? He's probably with you because it'd be pretty damn hard to find another girl who would date a demon. Size queens are difficult to find you know. The scene ends with a not-so-subtle image of Hellboy leaning forlornly against a television that happens to be playing Bride of Frankenstein. Yeah, we get it.

Then, we cut to the Princess pondering over her map while Abe puts in some contacts. Again, why? I don't really know. Is it a joke or something? Like when Mike from Monsters, Inc. puts in a huge contact? It just seems like a pointless little thing. Then, as the Princess is reading a poem aloud, Abe suddenly walks up to her and cites the poem and author, because he's edjumicated and acts like a faggot. Oh, and again he's not wearing his breathing apparatus.

"I feel strangely attracted to you. It's like some stupid plot device demands it." "Wow, me, too!"

This is where the link between the two twins, both in mind and body, is actually cited. The Princess says that, since she knows where the Bureau is, her brother now knows as well. Shouldn't she be able to know exactly where he is and what he's plotting, then? "It's something I cannot explain," which is just a convenient way of saying, "it makes no sense, but the writer didn't want to think up anything that was more logical, so here we are." Also, she comments on how she can see his eyes now (as though she only just now noticed he wasn't wearing goggles) and they stare deeply at one another as Abe blinks sideways, because his eyelids are on the left and right sides of his eyes, rather than at the top and bottom. Yeah, that's not freaky at all. Apparently fish totally turn this girl on.

She shows him a map that she took out of the cylinder and, as he looks it over, she comments on how brave he was to vouch for her. Not really. I mean, what did he have to lose? It was Hellboy who was really brave, standing up to Dr. Krauss. Abe just wants to get into her dress. Probably literally. God, he acts so prissy and gay, it's kind of annoying.

After a scene where Hellboy stares at himself in a mirror as "Beautiful Freak" plays (I guess I'm supposed to be feeling something for him? because I don't--at all), he and Krauss meet in the locker room and the good doctor chews out Red, insisting that he will learn to obey. Ja! Befolgen Sie, folgen Sie, reichen Sie ein, Sieg heil!

I've got to ask: what's with the rosary beads? It's not like Hellboy is particularly religious in any other way. Is he trying to protect himself... from himself?

Then, the big conflict! I mean, how dare Krauss say that he knew Hellboy's father (who designed his suit--seriously, did his father do everything? wasn't his father a paranormal expert?) and try to connect with Hellboy! "Stop it, right now." "Ooor vhat? Are you sreatening me? Becoos I sink I keen take you." Well, to cut an interesting scene short, Hellboy punches Krauss hard enough to shatter the glass top of his helmet, but Krauss gets back, oh yes. He possesses the lockers, causing them to open suddenly and smack Hellboy repeatedly. Zhat'll shoo heem!

Honestly, Hellboy gets the shit kicked out of him by all kinds of gigantic creatures and gets up without a hitch, but he's somehow brought down by flimsy locker doors? And besides, in order to hit him the way that they do, the lockers have to be hinged opposing one another. Who would build a locker system like that? It makes no sense. The lockers would all be fastened on the same side. And again, Krauss talks, moves, and interacts with things just fine in his gaseous form, so what's the point of possessing the suit and fumbling around with those big glove-fingers all the time?

Oh, snap. Don't fuck with Dr. Krauss, he'll slam a locker in yo face.

And then there's probably the worst pun in the entire film. As Krauss strolls away in his fog-form, singing some German song, Hellboy quips, "Glasshole." Ugh.

Continued in part 3.

Quicktime to Anger

I hate Quicktime. Honestly, it's the new RealPlayer. Sure, others have ranted extensively on what sucks this crappy program, but I feel I have a few new contributions to add.

First of all, I don't like secondary players. I use Media Player Classic, a very nice little stand-alone media player, for all my video needs, and Winamp for all my audio needs. Why? Well, a large part of it is familiarity. I will jump through hoops to get one familiar program to run everything I need, rather than go between a bunch of other programs, just because I like familiar program GUIs.

Second, I'm a very minimalistic guy. I like my desktop tidy (save for some temporary files which are regularly cleared), my menus small, and my experience unimpaired by huge buttons and other pointless crap. Quicktime is the mother of unnecessarily gigantic user interfaces.



Another complaint is that I like to view images in Firefox, my preferred browser. If I want to check out an image in full-size, Firefox does a very nice job of letting me do that. However, since installing Quicktime (due to the demands of some dumb website or another--use Flash!), Firefox will automatically assume that I want to either save or open the file in another program, which is completely unnecessary since I could just view it in Firefox! True it's only a few seconds' inconvenience, but it's a damn annoying one, regardless.

Conversely, Firefox doesn't prompt me to instantly download or open media links I click on, such as a link to a podcast mp3, but instead it is opened in my browser, under Quicktime, and automatically starts playing. Now, let me get one thing straight; I despise autoplay. Even if I'm viewing YouTube videos, on the video's main page, I despise autoplay. Why? Because I'm usually juggling tabs, multitasking, and I don't want to begin media until I'm ready to focus on it. Sure, load it for viewing, YouTube (and all other media players, for that matter), but don't play it until I say so!

Where was I? Oh, yeah. So having to then right-click and pick "save target as..." is just a little more inconvenient, but it's an unnecessary inconvenience, which is why it pisses me off so much.

Finally, why is Quicktime even necessary? There is a lovely Quicktime Alternative, but that unfortunately doesn't work for embedded videos, yet why are there still embedded Quicktime videos? MOV videos are way, unnecessarily huge, so why doesn't someone just use a divx or xvid-codec avi, or even a sucky wmv? For that matter, why not a Flash wrapper? Sure, MOV files may be good for editing, but not streaming! Stop that shit!

A Basket of Complaints

Even though I'm a bit burned out from writing my extensive point-by-point review of Hellboy 2, I found that I really rather enjoyed the experience. I suspect that I'll be writing quite a few more of those, though the waits in between articles may be increased. If I get the urge, I'll be sure to add more articles on random subjects as they come to me.