What The Hellboy? pt 1

NOTE: This article contains satire and is not to be taken seriously.

WARNING: This article contains EXTREME SPOILERS.

In order to avoid pretentiousness, I feel I should point out that I don't consider myself in any way to be a witty critic, so if this article gets a "well, DUH" attitude about it, please disregard said attitude.

During my enjoyment of WALL-E, I couldn't help but notice posters for a "Hellboy 2: The Golden Army", a movie I had never heard of. I made it my business to see the original before the sequel came out, if for no other reason than the poster art looked so damn cool. The first certainly wasn't a disappointment. Sure, there were some odd bits here and there, but by and large, I really liked it. I thought it was fun and interesting, which is really all I can ask of a movie.

In light of that, I will be reviewing the movie step by step, so if you haven't seen it and don't wish to have it spoiled for you, please wait until after you've seen the film to form your own opinions.

The films opens with a brief explanation about who Hellboy is, how he came to be, etc. That's fine, but then suddenly we're transported to a trailer where Hellboy and his "father" live during Christmas eve in '55. We see the inside of the trailer, with Hellboy watching Howdy Doody (which is kind of funny, since Christmas Eve was a Saturday in '55, and Howdy Doody aired on Monday to Friday at 5:30 to 6:00 PM from '48 to '56). Then, we get our first view of Hellboy as a child, and holy shit, is he one ugly summabitch. His father demands he go to bed, he demands a story, blah blah. This whole boring sequence is really just an excuse for the father to tell a story that (gasp!) is the premise for what the movie is about.

What is that story, you ask?

It is said, that at the dawn of time, man, beast, and all magical beings lived together under *blah*, the father tree, but man had been created with a hole in his heart. A hole that no possession, power, or knowledge could fill, and in his infinite greed, man dreamt of expanding his dominion over the entire earth. The blood of many an elf, ogre, and goblin spilled in their *garbled*, and king Balor, the one-armed king of elf-land, watched the slaughter in dread and despair, but, one day, the master of the goblin blacksmiths offered to build the king a golden, mechanical army, seventy times seventy soldiers, that would not know hunger and could not be stopped. Prince Nu-something begged his father to agree. "Build me this army," the king said. So, a magical crown was forged that would allow those of royal blood to command the golden army if unchallenged. "I am king Balor, leader of the golden army. Is there anyone who disputes my right?" and in his throne room, no one challenged his word.

"Phew, and you thought I was ugly when I grew up!"

Here, the extremely annoying and ugly (especially when brushing his stupid buck teeth) young Hellboy interrupts about whether or not someone could make a challenge for control of the army (think that will be important later on?), and this scene is already way too long.

And so the world was changed, and the next time the humans marched, they felt the earth tremble beneath their feet, and saw the sky darken with monstrous shapes. The golden army had no remorse and felt no loyalty or pain, and King Balor's heart grew heavy with regret. So, he called a truce and divided the crown in three pieces, one for the humans, and two for himself. In exchange, man would keep to the cities, and the magical beings would own the forests. This truce would be honored by their sons and the sons of their sons until the end of time but Prince Nu-something did not believe in the promises of man, and it is said that he went into exile, vowing to return the day his people needed him most. So, the golden army lay dormant, locked inside the earth, waiting, and there it is to this day, awaiting the day the crown is made whole again, silent, still, and indestructible.

After that mess of run-on sentences, I'm sure you're wondering, like I did, just what the hell is going on. For reference, all monsters in the original Hellboy were explained as either a paranormal anomaly (which apparently exist, by the way, and are held in the supah-sekret Bureau of Paranormal Research & Defense's gigantic, stone-slab headquarters building... shhhh) or brought from Hell. As the young Hellboy says, "come on, those things can't be real." That's just what I was thinking: "there's no way they're really combining Lord of the Rings with Hellboy." Well, they didn't. They combined Lord of the Rings, Men in Black, and Harry Potter with Hellboy. Hell, they even rip off They Live later on.

Two things are already apparent about the movie at this point. First is that the movie is way too dark. You can barely see anything. Why? I guess it's in order to depict the angst that the whiny

Sorry, the budget ran short, so we're going to shroud this scene in darkness to hide how much it sucks.

characters go through? I don't know, but I really wish that they would adjust the contrast. Also, the sound is horribly garbled. Maybe it was just the theater I saw it in, but I often found myself wondering just what the characters are saying, because their speech is so badly compressed.

This entire story sequence is depicted with CG mannequins. Now, I don't consider CG in live action films to be an annoyance, but God this scene is crap. I guess I can tell why they did it, but it still stands out as very, very poorly-done in my mind. Then, to celebrate that shitty scene, we get an overly elaborate sequence where we see gears working in some big machine. Now, I love steampunk, but is it really necessary to watch gears turn for half a minute? It may not sound like long, but in the theater, it felt like forever.

Marilyn Manson as an elf. With painted-on ab muscles.

Next, we cut to the subway tunnels where some pale elf (which, at this point, we assume is the aforementioned prince) practices his fighting moves on water droplets. I assume that this guy is partially CG, because something just looks fake about him. One thing I can point out is that his ab muscles look painted on. Also, he looks like an angst-ridden hippie. I guess an elf has to have long, girlish hair. It's a law, or something.

So, anyway, we then move on to see an auction for rich pricks who are bidding on various historical artifacts, such as a fertility goddess and, you guessed it, a piece of the crown. Apparently the sons of the sons of man didn't do such a good job keeping track of the single artifact that kept the golden army from being unleashed and slaughtering all of mankind. Prince Angst shows up and kills a bunch of people, assisted by what looks to be a cross between a Lord of the Rings troll and Hellboy himself, save with a mechanical hand, rather than a stone one (called "Mr. Wink", I guess because it's a stupid name), and steals the artifact after unleashing some horrid creatures and even more horridly-written lines on all the bidders. Apparently no one has a gun, and isn't the elf price, supposedly of some kind of enlightened race, a bit violent? I mean, sure, humanity likes its electronic toys, but is it really worth killing someone because they enjoy their iPods? You know, now that I think about it...

Then, we're taken to the Bureau, where we see the fish-guy, Abe, acting gay. And being ugly. He's shown some pictures of Hellboy taken in public, and Manning (the bald guy from Washington who's really annoying) whines about their cover being blown or something. "Officially, we do not exist." Frankly, I wish that you literally didn't exist. Then, he delivers a line that made me cringe. "I suppressed each photo [and] cellphone video, and they show up on YouTube. God, I hate YouTube." You know what I hate? When movies reference modern pop culture just to cater to the audience. I really, really hate it. Besides, even though the movie probably is meant to take place in 2008, it seems to only take place a few months after the previous movie, which took place in 2004, before YouTube was even founded. I suppose I'm nitpicking about the timeline, but Christ do I hate references like that. Then Manning says that Hellboy hates him and shows a picture of himself that has been used for target practice. I can't say that I blame Hellboy. As good as his actor, Jeffry Tambor, apparently is, I dislike the character with the same passion that many have for Jar Jar. That's probably just the reaction the viewer was meant to have, though.

The fish-man (who doesn't have his breathing apparatus on, which I thought was kind of weird--sure, maybe he doesn't have it on all the time in the first film, but he had it on most of the time;

Selective fire: it's discrimination, for death.

in this one, he barely has it on at all) and Manning then walk through the building on their way to Hellboy's vault as all kinds of odd creatures make noise and cause trouble in the background, and these two act like it's business as usual. Maybe it is, but they barely even react when they're nearly smashed by a flying door. Then, we get a "delicious" taste of the trouble that Hellboy and Liz have been having. By the way, something that bothered me, even from the first movie, was that, even though Liz can be covered in flames, it never singes her clothes, nor Hellboy's clothes, nor anyone who's standing nearby. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to see any more of Hellboy's big, plastic-looking beefy body than I already do, but they don't even attempt to explain this. Also, you'd think that standing next to her while she's completely on fire would be like standing a foot away from a bonfire. It would at least be a bit uncomfortable, but no one seems to notice the heat.

Suddenly, it's a red alert and everyone makes their way to the scene of Price Angst's slaughter after Manning squeezes a promise of discretion out of Red with a cuban cigar bribe. They go into the building of the murders, Red and Liz exchange some relationship babble, and Abe explains that the seals on the containers holding the creatures that Prince Angst set free are symbols of war or something. As the team searches, we get glimpses of these creatures scurrying in the walls. It's revealed that the flying creatures are "tooth fairies" (as Hellboy incredulously exclaims, "Hah!") from some forest or another. Yet another kind of fantasy

They're cute only as long as they don't chew on your teeth.

creature that's a bit hard to swallow, considering Hellboy's setting. Anyway, we are told that they eat calcium from one's body, often going for the teeth first.

As soon as it is revealed what they are, some scurry noisily through a wall near Abe and Liz, and Abe randomly places his bare hand (with all the super-sensitive listening things on it, I guess) onto her abdomen, then says, "Oh, my God. Liz, you're pregnant!" Without a beat, she denies it, but Abe insists that it is so. Personally, I don't realy want to imagine the physics of Hellboy and Liz doing the deed, as he's big enough to gobble her forearm whole. Then, we finally get a glimpse of the tooth fairies, which unsurprisingly kill everyone except the main characters. Eventually, Blue retreats to a vault of some kind while Liz lets herself explode with flame, causing Hellboy (who she warned to

"Talk to the hand, because I can't hear you otherwise."

move) fly out a window and land near the crowd of onlookers below and makes a scene of being a hero. Apparently he forgot or didn't care about the promised cuban cigars.

In the next few scenes, we see Prince Angst on his way to his people's council chambers. Let me pause to point out that this is where one of the big annoyances of the film first shows itself. That is, this film uses way too many damn scene trasitions. Sure, a screen wipe is commonly used in films, but Hellboy 2 has them far too frequenty, along with more noticable transitions, like a diagonal screen wipe. I understand the need for transitions as a storytelling device, but I, the movie watcher, should never notice or be distracted by them. Good transitions are ones that I don't recall ever happening, but if they stand out like they do in Revenge of the Sith, I feel more like I'm watching a powerpoint presentation than a real movie.



So the Pale Prince finds the council chambers after being in exile for what I assume is thousands of years. Funny how he doesn't have any trouble finding it, and how it is conveniently located in the same city as everything else. In this scene, we see another odd thing; sometimes, there is text at the bottom of the movie translating what is being said, and sometimes they just speak English. Why don't they do just one, or just the other?

We find that the Prince has sought out his father and twin sister in order to take the pieces of the crown that they each have and demands them so that he may unleash the golden army on the humans. "The humans have forgotten their Gods, destroyed the earth, and for what? Parking lots! Shopping Malls! Greed is burning a hole in their hearts that will never be filled; they will never have enough!" Okay, we get it. Humans are greedy and evil. Christ, not too subtle, is it? Besides, for someone who doesn't trust the promise of man, he seems to be the one about to really break the truce. What, did they expect that man would never cut down any trees? How else would people build houses? His father refuses outright and orders his death in order to stop him from breaking the truce, so Prince Angst, being the loving protector of his waning people that he is, slays all the guards and murders his father in front of everyone in the council chambers. What patriotism! Also, it is revealed in this scene that he and his sister share a link so that if he's injured, she suffers the exact same injury, and vice versa. I guess because they're twins, and that's how twins work. Duh. That's probably also how he knew where to find them, as it is later revealed that whatever his sister knows, he knows as well. Why, then, do they not at all prepare for his coming? Anyway, his sister runs away and he has to rush to find her. I guess that shared knowledge thing only works when it's convenient for the plot.

Back in the Bureau, Manning tells Hellboy that he's called in a professional, Johann Krauss, to lead the team and keep an eye on him. Let me say that I think that Johann is a really neat character with a kick-ass German accent and fantastic voice-acting, but I'm consistently puzzled by his character design. First of all, he looks like a biohazard suit with insect mandibles on the front and constantly vents some smoky gas. Why? I have no idea, and it doesn't explain. We find out, though, that he is actually a ghost of some kind, made up of that smoke (ectoplasm, I guess). However, even when he's outside of the suit, he's able to talk and manipulate objects, and even possess people and objects. What, then, is the point of the suit in the first place? And what's with those damn mandibles? They're distracting.

"Aygeent Heellboy, I eem yew fezzer!" *krrsshhh*

Krauss possesses the dead body of one of the tooth fairies in order to get it to explain what it knows about this and that. By the way, it seems that merely seeing the creature's corpse is enough for Krauss to determine that it was bought and sold on the black market and sealed in an oppressively small container. I suppose he could have deduced the latter from seeing pictures of the containers they found at the slaughter scene, but how the hell did he know where it came from? Couldn't the Pale Prince have captured them from the wild (since realism and this movie are experiencing the same awkward relationship trouble that Hellboy as Liz)? Also, apparently Krauss can speak tooth fairy chatter. How would he have learned that? Regardless, the creature explains that it came from a troll market or something, then chokes to death as Krauss loses control of "its limbic system." If he was only controlling the creature's limbic system (mental capacities of emotion, behavior, and long-term memory), how did he get the rest of its body to function?

Continued in part 2.