Voting For The Politically Retarded

NOTE: This article contains satire and is not to be taken seriously.

One who has lived in the United States for some time knows that voting is seen as more than just a right--it's a damn obligation. Between the constant campaign advertisements, "go vote" posters, and other such reminders, a resident is almost led to forget that their vote is essentially minuscule and worthless, and that they are most likely choosing between the equivalents of ball torture and forced anal penetration. The country goes into this cranky PMS once every four years, wherein bloody stupid Americans go out to add to the collective juices pooling on the tampon that is the polls.

Send a JibJab Sendables® eCard Today!

Keeping in mind my opinions about an individual vote being worthless, I had initially considered making a quick buck by selling it to the highest bidder, but it seems that someone else spoiled it for the rest of us. I really know and care nothing for what either candidate has to offer (not that either are likely to keep any promises, anyway), so in lieu of picking a candidate based on something as unimportant as age or race, I've decided to decide whom I will vote for based on something that truly tells what the candidate is about; their website.

Let's start by comparing them, shall we? Obama's homepage is, unsurprisingly, at BarackObama.com, while McCain's is, equally unshockingly, at JohnMcCain.com. Let's take a look between the two and see what there is to see.

No one says that you can tell a candidate by their website, but I'm going to pretend that they do and review each website in turn. After all, the websites are intended to give an impression about the men they represent, right? So they should be able to reflect their respective candidates like an open book (I think I messed up that idiom).

Where shall we start? Well, let's first compare the website designs as a whole, side by side.




Judging from the website design alone, Obama is new, shiny, crisp, and interesting, while McCain is old, overused, bland, and boring. While Obama's site uses bright colors, gentle curves, and clever design, McCain's is like any business site you'd see out there--dark and drab. Dare I say such blasphemy, but Obama's website has all the beauty and charm of a new Apple product, and I actually mean that in an approving way.

+ 1 to Obama

Let's move on to headers. For the sake of organization, I'll break it down into two parts: the logo and the rest.

I think that anyone with eyes has to admit that Obama's logo is certainly appealing. Not only is one likely to instantly associate the logo with the face, as they're so close together, but the logo itself is elegantly beautiful. The white in the center of the blue over gently curving lines suggests the sun rising in a clear sky over fertile hills, while the colors clearly are those of the United States flag, and, on top of all that, the white circle makes one see an "O." O for Obama. The logo brings images of prosperity to one's mind--prosperity and harmony. Genius design.

Let's compare that to McCain's logo. Well, we see that it's white and yellow on blue. Okay, nothing particularly appealing there. Oh, there's a single star. What, like the symbol of a brigadier general? Or is it supposed to be the symbol of a rear admiral (the rank that McCain just couldn't quite reach)? Whichever the case, McCain's logo reminds one of what his position would be as president, and shows that he is very proud of the military power he would wield, probably meaning he wouldn't be a particularly peaceful president. Maybe that's a good thing to other folks, but to me it's just a down-side.

+ 1 to Obama

Next is the remainder of the header.


Thanks to the slick design of Obama's website, the header is crisp and interesting, with a captivatingly detailed, yet not overpowering, background with an easy-to-read and noble-looking quote in the foreground. The quote itself suggests that, in spite of his age, Obama knows what he's doing and what he's fighting for, as well as being on the same level as the people around him. Then there's the conveniently-located sign-up form just to the right that grabs one's attention without breaking the flow of the design. Even the link to see a Spanish version of the website doesn't seem at all out of place.



McCain again fails hard due to the design. First of all, the header itself looks like some kind of advertisement, due to the bounding white box surrounding it. Then, McCain's looking distantly out to the right in his picture, as though he's distracted or something (as compared to Obama's logo, where he's glancing up and out in a thoughtful or surveying manner). Then, those words, "Reform*Prosperity*Peace" are used in such a way that it sounds like you're being brainwashed. Does anyone else think of 1984 or They Live when reading them? Further to the right are the links, "VOLUNTEER," "DONATE," and "EN ESPAÑOL." Now, while Obama's header form is for news and updates, McCain sounds like he's demanding things from his supporters, rather than inviting them to join in. It's like, "WORK FOR ME," and "GIVE ME MONEY!" I'd equate the overall effect like meeting someone's blind date and, after shaking hands, asking for a blowjob and a sandwich. A bit too forward, in my opinion. Wait until you get to first base, or at least until I get to the navigation bar!



+ 1 to Obama

Now, on to said nav bar.



There is little to say about the nav bars, since both are essentially the same (though Obama's, of course, is less boring thanks to good design), though I like how the sub-links show up right away when rolling over one of Obama's links, rather than scrolling out for McCain. The scrolling effect just seems like one of those cheesy Javascript gimmicks that an amateur web designer uses to make their otherwise boring website seem cooler, kinda like falling snow or page transitions. Also, McCain's choice to have "contribute" rather than "donate" makes it sound like he's demanding money. I have to ask, though, why is it that Obama's sub-links have "the" and "for" italicized? Unless I'm missing some kind of catchprase allusion here, it seems really out of place.


McCain has a little bit extra in his navigation menu, though, like his header, it seems out of place and reminds me too much of an advertisement. Really, it looks like one of those "Who will you vote for? Vote to win a prize!" things that look like you can select a radio button, but if you click you find out that it's just a solid image that links you to a scam-site. Yet another bad design choice.

+ 1 to Obama

Next is the first row of primary content. Obama's site seems to have two main chunks, while McCain has three chunks. We'll address each one in turn.

Since McCain is the oddball here with three chunks of content, let's get his first one out of the way right off the bat. I actually like this little sub-navigation menu, because it uses only Javascript and CSS (and none of that godawful Flash) to accomplish an impressive little eyecandy effect, while still looking pretty good and being functional (even if they look a bit like advertisements). One question, though: Pork Invaders? What the Hell is that, some kind of euphemism for ass-rape? Oh, no, wait, it's just a Space Invaders rip-off, I assume to appeal to the younger generation. Lame. Also, it kind of alienates the vegetarians/vegans, Muslims, and Jews, doesn't it?





The first big chunk of Obama's content is, I have to say, damn pretty. Using only Javascript, it performs a very pretty effect while still being easy to use, and the images that accompany the sections are downright beautiful. Also, there seems to be something for debunking common lies ("smears") about Obama. That's good--silence implies confirmation, and it's good to know that Obama is aware of the propaganda that is put out there to discredit him. I wonder what rebuttals McCain offers?


Again, McCain's page manages to make a critical design point look like an advertisement due to a lack of good blending. On the other hand, having a video right there (as opposed to Obama's page, where you click the "play" link on the "video" only to find that it was just a picture of a video that then redirects you to the actual video), which is very convenient. Yes, the video is Flash, but I forgive that, because Flash is great for embedded content, be it audio and video. Other than that, though, I hate, HATE to see Flash used on a website for the sake of unnecessary animations (particularly in navigation bars, since I like to use Firefox's tab function by middle-clicking on links that interest me to open them in new tabs while leaving the page I'm on loaded for later, when I return--Flash doesn't allow for middle-clicks on links). However, I notice that there's no link to debunk what his opponents say about him. I guess that means that he either doesn't respect them enough to give a rebuttal, or he's confirming their suspicions. Either way, it's not such a good move on his part. Also, he has a link called the "Lexington Project", which is apparently what his party calls their energy plan.

Maybe I'm just a loony, but "Lexington Project" makes me think "Manhattan Project", which makes me think big explosions and lots of dead Japanese people. Hopefully McCain's Lexington Project is a bit less lethal, for the sake of all the disillusioned anime fans that have infested the country. Also, why call it a "project?" When something is called the Insertnamehere Project, it sounds really secretive, like a government cover-up story for some kind of new weapon or big mistake. Not exactly the kind of images I'd want my new president's policies to bring to mind.

+ 1 for Obama

The second part of Obama's website is certainly the most boring part of the entire design, though it manages to bore in a pretty way, like watching a Miss Teen USA with nice tits demonstrate her stupidity. I'm not saying that it's an unnecessary component, or that it has no flare (I do like the style of the link icons), but I get the feeling that it could have been done better. The "volunteer" link is very well-done, though. The simple graphic, combined with the word, implies that one will stand out from the bland crowd if they offer their support to the party.



McCain's website certainly isn't boring in the final space. In fact, it's way too cluttered. While it's meant to function much like the form in Obama's header does, the odd color choice (I don't see that particular shade of blue anywhere else on the website) and messy clutter of links makes it look like some kind of Myspace widget, and that's not a good thing. Again we see McCain using the word "contribute," which, although perhaps a pointless observation, makes him sound a lot more greedy than Obama, who only asks for "donations." A "contribution" sounds something a Smurf does to maintain the status quo, not something an individual offers out of the goodness of his or her heart.

Then, there's a little bit of text above the form that says, "Join the Team." What team? Is this some kind of snooty elitist organization, or are we all going to play ball and drink beer? I can see how it's trying to make the reader feel like a part of the party, but I think that it tragically misses the runway and crashes headlong into a schoolbus full of children.

Below the form are a number of links, the first of which being "Recruit 5 Friends." Recruit? What is this, some kind of suicide bombers club? Also, why five? Maybe I only have four friends. Then below "Register to Vote" is "Signup Family / Friends." What does that mean, exactly? Does McCain support forcing your political beliefs upon your family and friends, rather than letting them make their own educated opinions based on the evidence at hand or is this just a means of signing them up to be flooded by brainwashing spam? Next is "Spread the Word," which I've got no complaints about, save that such a link should probably be bigger and easier to locate, since maximizing support would logically be the primary goal of a candidate.

Then, there's "McCainSpace." Are you fucking kidding me? That is, without a doubt, the lamest attempt at catering to the youth I have ever seen. Why don't you just have your website say, "Help us pwn the Democrats," McCain? This kind of thing doesn't make you look hip and and clever, it makes you look old and boring. And fucking stupid.

At last, there's a link called "Cause Greater Than Self." Huh? Because what's greater than self? Oh, I see; it means "participate in a cause that is greater than you are." Gee, what a way to woo potential voters: remind them of how small and insignificant they are in your grand plan. Great thinking there, McCain. It really gives me the warm fuzzies about how much you care for the little guy.

+2 to Obama, just because of that McCainSpace thing. It's not so clever now, is it?


Further down on the prettier of the two sites we see "ObamaBlog." Not that I'd dare question a presidential candidate's grammatical competence, but shouldn't it be "Obama's Blog?" ObamaBlog just sounds like the name of some kind of open source software or something. I guess it's supposed to fit with "BarackTV," title-wise, but I think that "ObamaTV" (at least he wasn't pretentious enough to try something like BarackTube) and "BarackBlog" would have sounded better. Anyway, I have no complaints about the blog itself; the design is clean, the text easy to read, and the navigation easy to use.

Since McCain's website doesn't have any kind of blog, we'll skip right to the news block on Obama's website, though I would like to pause for a moment to say that I really like the design of the additional link blocks to the right of the blog and news. In addition to the aforementioned BarackTV, there's a welcome message for Hillary supporters (good thinking, trying to welcome them--they'll be a necessary part of the voter base), a Know the Facts block (of which I applaud the excellent typography choices), and, finally, a block for my.barackobama.com, which I guess is a kind of social network spin-off. While I detested how McCain's website did it, I think that Barack's site pulled it off quite well. Not only do I really, really like how it first depicts the address with Obama's party logo, but the text to describe the service is actually enticing, and this is from a guy who hates Myspace's guts and thinks that Facebook is the most annoying thing since the rickroll.

Anyway, on to the news. There's really not much to say in this regard for Obama's website, since it's the exact same design as the blog block (and there is nothing wrong with that, mind you). So, without further adieu, let's move on.


McCain's fugly website combines news, his weekly radio address, pictures, and upcoming events all into one block, like clothes stuffed into a suitcase to make everything fit. First, unlike Obama's website, McCain's doesn't actually show any news, it just has a number of archived links to news articles. Not that there's anything wrong with that, except that it's boring and inconvenient. Then, there's the weekly radio address, which has a short description and a small flash applet to play the radio address. I like this, rather than having a direct file linked to for download (although having the direct link as well would be convenient for those who don't like to listen to long discussions off their browser). Next are the "Photos of the Week." What? Why, exactly? Is McCain trying to prove that he knows how to be a celebrity by pretending to care enough about random onlookers to have pictures taken with them? Note that these pictures are almost at the absolute bottom of the front page of his website, so it's not like a whole lot of people are going to see them, and, again, what's the point? I guess he figured, "Oh, I'll bet that there are all kinds of people out there who love me so much that they need spank material to construct a shrine. I'd better help them out!" Seriously, why do I want to see a bunch of pictures of your family, yourself, and random onlookers? How does this entice me to vote for you?

+ 1 for Obama


Next on Obama's website is a block called ObamaEvents which apparently helps one locate nearby upcoming events, which is quite helpful, and looks great while being helpful. Then, there's ObamaMap, which I don't quite see the point of. If it's not to display upcoming events (the above search supposedly does that), then why is it there? Is it to tally those who have visited the site? Seems a bit pointless, though I really have no complaints. Again, it fits the design and doesn't look out of place, so a lack of practical functionality isn't so much of an issue.


Then there's ObamaStore, where you, too, can purchase quality merchandise, such as Obama '08 buttons, Obama '08 shirts, and Obama '08 rally signs. Well, it's no Cafepress, but what other kinds of merchandise would you really expect a presidential candidate's website to offer? Aside from the classic, "Our Party's Penis is Bigger Than Your Party's Penis" mug, of course.

Up a ways and to the right is ObamaMobile. Honestly, is Obama going to prefix everything he does? "I've got a new ObamaPlan to cut back on ObamaTaxes using Obamacuts to the Obamaconomy." Anyway, I'm sure that people who have cell phones and like to pay extra for stupid things like sending messages on a tiny keypad would be happy to know that they can text "Hope" to 62262 (note that if you keep the sixes and add up the twos, you get 666) for some stupid reason that I don't understand. Does texting this let Obama know that you're a supporter? I'm sure that will really help him sleep at night. If not for your text message, he may have lost his beauty sleep over whether or not you, one person out of over three hundred million, really cared.

At last, there's ObamaEverywhere, and I mean everywhere. Pretty much every popular social networking/web 2.0 site I was aware of is listed here, and good for him. A large part of his popularity is riding on how he's reached out to the online communities. Hopefully his effort will pay off, showing that the Internet contains more than mindless Myspace brainfarts.




Aside from those little links at the bottom of the webpage that no one really cares about, there's little more to say about Obama's website. Now, McCain's has one more block that I wanted to discuss. It's something called "McCain&You: Your State and Coalitions." McCain&You? It sounds like Barny & Friends, or something gay like that. Why is McCain suddenly interested in "you", when, just before, he said that his grand plan was more important than you were ("Cause Greater Than Self")? Probably because there's a donate link just under this block. Below the McCain&You title are a number of drop-down boxes that allow one to select various options to get information about his views on things, or something like that. You know, one of the big problems with this website is that it uses boring Web 1.0 components like radio buttons, drop-down boxes, and text boxes that have no modified color or font. I'm almost surprised that the title bar of McCain's website doesn't say "Untitled Document."

+ 1 for Obama


There's one last thing about these websites that I would like to compare: their bookmark icons. A good website has a memorable bookmark icon, which is a small graphic that shows up next to the website when it's bookmarked, or next to its address bar or tab (depending on your browser). Note that, while McCain has a white box and colorless star (exciting, huh?), Obama not only has one with transparent edges (I love transparency), but is also a very colorful and recognizable rendition of his campaign logo.

+ 1 for Obama

Which brings the final score to:

Obama: 9, McCain: 0

As of this moment, I will be featuring a link to Obama's website on my blog.

You may have noticed that I got more and more affectionate towards Obama (or rather, his website) as I went along, and more and more rough with McCain (read: McCain's website). It's not bias, but rather that, the more I saw of McCain's website, the more I associated him with being annoying, boring, lame, and old, just as I associated Barack with being interesting, clever, and fresh. Maybe, by picking the prettier of the two websites, I'm being just as ignorant as if I'd picked them based on who had the prettier face, but in the end, a politician is going to lie, so you may as well have one that can give you a boner while it's happening.