Corral of Mediocrity

NOTE: This article contains satire and is not to be taken seriously.


I love pizza. The soft, crisp yet succulently soft crust, the zesty warmth of the tomato sauce, the sticky, dull flavor of the melted cheese, and the strong, biting flavor of pepperoni. And grease. Lots and lots of oozing, dripping yellow grease. Mmm-mmm.

My favorite place to add inches to my waistline would definitely have to be Pizza Hut. The hand-tossed pizza is just the right thickness, the toppings just plentiful and flavorful enough, and the bread sticks are, I swear, the best of any pizza place. If you go in at the right time, they have a buffet, consisting of a number of pizzas, though never quite of the quality of an ordered one, some bread sticks and cinnamon sticks (which taste like cinnamon rolls--delicious), as well as, of course, a salad bar. What more can one ask for? Even the logo looks great.

Of course, every white needs its black. Every yin needs its yang. Every man needs his woman. Cue Pizza Ranch, the oddly-named chain that is apparently somewhat unique to the Midwest, just as we don't have any White Castles around here. Allow me to explain just why the mere thought of this restaurant is enough to spoil my appetite with the same efficiency as imagining Hilary Clinton douses my erection.

First of all, let's address the logo. First, look at Pizza Hut's logo. It's got a neat, stylized look that shouts "new and casual." The red cap at the top is easily recognizable as representing the iconic Pizza Hut roof, and the choice to have the dot on the "i" be green brings a complimentary color to the red cap, while the yellow streak keeps the lower part of the logo from being bland. Overall, it's a tight, interesting logo that speaks well of the company that it represents.

Compare that to Pizza Ranch's logo. It's not as bad as it could be, but it still severely lacks the tight, uniform and colorful look that the Pizza Hut logo has. Comparing the logos, Pizza Ranch's logo is less interesting, and a lot less "fun." Personally, I think eating is fun, and most will probably agree with me. Thus, it is a good idea to make your restaurant seem fun. That font (as with the name) makes me think of old Westerns, one of the few movie genres that I absolutely refuse to watch in any way, shape, or form (Back to the Future Part III excluded). Also, what's with the covered wagon? When I think of covered wagons, I don't think of ranches; I think of the Oregon Trail. I guess they went that direction because some ranchers would camp out with covered wagons while herding cattle, and because a barn and windmill would be even more bland. I guess my point isn't that it's so much a bad logo (can you come up with any brilliant design for something called "Pizza Ranch"? I can't), but more that it's a stupid name for a restaurant.

Interestingly, White Castle was named such to make burgers, at the time of opening thought to be an extremely filthy food, seem clean and healthy. In contrast, Pizza Ranch isn't afraid to make its food sound bad. What part of "ranch" sounds appetizing, to anyone? Ranches make me think of dusty corrals, dirty animals, and lots of shit splattered around. It's not exactly the kind of thing I would readily want to associate with any food, not even food of Pizza Ranch's caliber.

Now, we get to the literal meat and potatoes of the issue: the food is horrible. Pizza Ranch, unlike Pizza Hut, not only offers a number of pizzas, bread sticks, and a salad bar, but also fried chicken, mashed potatoes, fish/chicken sticks, assorted other dishes, and soft-serve ice cream. Let us address these foods in order of appearance, shall we?

Pizza Ranch's pizza is some of the worst I've ever had. It has extremely thin crust (something I really hate on pizza), is sparse in toppings, and it's very, very greasy. It's like they made a pizza, then deep-fat fried the whole damn thing. Also, it seems to be lacking enough seasoning to really keep my palate interested, and I'm quickly wishing that I had something more flavorful, like a cow pie.

The bread sticks aren't too bad, honestly. They have enough cheese and seasoning to taste pretty good, and, aside from being really soggy, aren't half bad when dunked in some sauce. Really, it's the only food I can stomach in the place. At least they're better than Domino's pathetic excuse for bread sticks, which are really just lumps of dough that are brought up a little past room temperature so that they seem fresh and delicious to an onlooker.

Next is the salad bar. I usually don't care much for salad bars, because salads without good croûtons or some garlic salt are dreadfully bland. There's really little more to say about that, except that Pizza Ranch seems to be lacking much good stuff (like sweet fruits and different kinds of pudding), while having an overabundance of unappealing foods like cucumbers. Ugh, I hate cucumbers.

Now, the fried chicken. If I want fried chicken, I go to KFC and have a delicious extra crispy breaded chicken breast, or maybe a Bouquet box of chicken, but I never, ever want something like this. Their fried chicken sadly lacks any good breading or seasoning, and instead presents you with a scrawny and extremely greasy chunk of flesh. I remember that my mother would tend to disagree about Pizza Ranch, lauding the chicken. Even she would agree that the pizza was horrible, though. Pizza Ranch: best chicken in town.

There's only one way I like mashed potatoes: freshly sliced and hand-mashed. I hate instant mashed potatoes with a passion, and if that's not what Pizza Ranch's potatoes are, then they sure taste that way. Not even butter or their bland gravy can hide how unappealing the potatoes are. I wonder if any of the cooks in the back even taste the food that they make. Is this what they consider high quality?

The chicken and fish sticks are actually not too bad, but they're only good because of the breading on the outside. You can tell that they don't even make them there, but instead buy a number of frozen packages, thaw them, and then put them out to eat. I guess it works, but it certainly screams lazy on the part of the cooks.

Finally, the soft-serve ice cream. I quite like ice cream, though I'm a fan of the harder stuff out of a five quart bucket. Soft serve tends to be less flavorful, and I'm not nearly as fond of the texture. Even with that in mind, Pizza Ranch has some of the blandest ice cream I've ever tasted (well, I suppose Dairy Queen's cones are pretty bad, too). It's like eating a bowl of, well, iced cream. The problem is that there's no ice cream flavor to it, just the texture and cold.

I guess if I had to sum up Pizza Ranch's problems, it's that everything is so... mediocre. I guess nothing's downright horrifically, disgustingly bad, but it doesn't do anything more than it's supposed to. Sure, it has pizza, and it has mashed potatoes, and it has chicken, and it has ice cream, but it doesn't really put any effort or care into making any of them. For the price, I would much rather have some flavorful Chinese food. You know it's bad when your favorite thing about a restaurant is their website design.