Virtual Reality is Gay

NOTE: This article contains satire and is not to be taken seriously.

Everyone knows that virtual reality "chat rooms" are really gaining momentum, what with Second Life, IMVU, and, most recently, Lively. Well, in light of such popularity, I decided to go out of my way to demonstrate the gayness of such virtual chat rooms.

Let's begin with Second Life. Now, since the beginning, I've said that, in order to have a second life, you had to have a first one to begin with. Most of these people apparently never did. It must take an addiction to keep someone coming back to this boring world.

First of all, let me say that the depth of Second Life's avatar customizations are very impressive. In what other game could I create the sexy abomination that you see before you?

Beyond that Sims 2-ish customization, however, there is honestly very little to do. I started out on the tutorial island (because I'm a n00b) and began going from place to place with the most godawful controls I could imagine. Not only was the client twitchy (either from CPU lag or from 'net lag) and caused my computer to overheat, but the character moved like he was as horrendously obese as he looks. I would have to stop, turn, and then move again, lest I end up running into some wall or object.

Next, I decided to go and test out driving a vehicle. Seeing an open Segway, I fiddled around with the controls until I finally persuaded my corpulent creation to hop on board. However, he took the order a bit to heart and apparently decided he would ride it like a bike with no seat.



It's at this point that I have to step back and applaud Linden Labs for creating the amazingly accurate NASA simulator that I found before myself. Of course, it wasn't actually supposed to simulate any NASA scenarios, but controlling my avatar in a vehicle felt just like handling a rover on the damn moon, control delay and all! Think of all the money that NASA can save in simulators by just putting a fat drag queen on a Segway.

It's at this point that I finally gave up, knowing from past experience that the people who inhabit Second Life aren't just in a virtual world, they're in their own virtual world, too. It's like the online asylum for the mentally dysfunctional--no one recognizes anyone else and instead just fiddle with objects in the world and talk to themselves.

Well, if that wasn't gay enough for you, just wait 'til you see IMVU.

I swear that this game was crafted by the hands of the great Gods of Gaydom and sent to Earth through the dreams of the biggest queers that inhabit the planet, because this little game is gay.

First, let us start with the little avatar that I quickly crafted from the very limited selection of available free parts. Now, the biggest problem with IMVU is that it's a huge money-making scheme. Well, all of these virtual reality programs are, but IMVU in particular wants you to spend real money for the privilege of having more parts to craft your avatar, so what you do get off-hand is the worst of what's available. Well, if you're straight, anyway.





I mean, look at the detail that went into this character's abdomen and upper hips, let alone the completely queer animations. Anyone who would find this stuff great has got problems.

Which ties me in nicely to my next point; many people on IMVU don't speak much English. Now, it's not that I have a problem with people who are from different cultures, but if you're in my country (or in a program hosted on a server located therein), you should speak MY damn language, bitch!



And, at last, on to the gayest of them all, Google's Lively.

Since this particular client is so openly, lispingly gay, I think that I can best describe things with pictures and captions.


My avatar; not a bad rendition of a cyborg bear, I might add.


Uh-oh, a "Free Sex" chat room. This is going downhill fast.


Naturally, it's a gay free sex chat room. I find all the placebo avatars particularly arousing.


I try my hand at the sexy Internet lingo, to prepare for the hot lovin' that's sure to be coming. Unfortunately, after five minutes of standing around, the room had still not loaded and I ditched it.


What's this? Another room? And with true love found so fast! Thank God gay marriage is legal in the wonderful land of Lively.


An awkward discovery of what's really on my new partner's mind. Did he accept my proposal just to bask in the pedophilic warmth of my furry body?


Reminding my partner about the ideals of hard love.


And so our two avatars live on happily ever after, faithfully bound by the unbreakable bond of matrimony.








OR DO THEY?!