Originiality? What's that?

NOTE: This article contains satire and is not to be taken seriously.

I am dreading the day when we run out of good books to base movies off of. Either people will be forced to be creative once more, or they will take the next step and begin making movies off video games, comics, and even theme parks!

Oh, wait...

This is a compilation of a few thoughts concerning various movies that have recently come out, or are scheduled to come out (though not necessarily in the near future).

Spiderman 3: Although I liked the first, and didn't mind the second, the third was, in my mind, hardly deserving of the record-breaking blockbuster sales that it earned. Plots were face-paced and cheesy (come on; some random scientific test that made a dirt devil created the Sandman?), while dull, overly emotional scenes were drawn out to a painful point. Practically every major character in the movie was dedicated at least a full minute of sob-scene, in which the camera slowly panned in on their face, and an oh-so-emotional tear rolled down their cheek. That, and Mary-Jane is a cheating skank who doesn't know what she wants in a relationship. Hell, none of them seem to know what they are doing, and are all emotion-driven children with weak egos and fragile self-esteem.


Shrek 3: "Hey, we took fairytales and twisted them into a humorous movie, then we managed to expand upon the success of the first by introducing deeper plots and a host of new characters. Let's now do the same thing that we did in the second one, while reheating old jokes and humorously portraying the already over-portrayed world of exaggerated teenage culture and ride the waves of success as old fans are suckered into paying for it!" - from the mind of Shrek 3's producers.


Pirates of the Caribbean 3: Since it has not yet come out, there is little to say about its actual quality, though the trailer looks rather promising. The first was an instant classic; a clever, yet humorous tale that twists about the concept of a filth-ridden, thieving, smelly pirate into a protagonist with some purpose. The second expands, as it should, with more enemies, bigger stakes, allies that were once enemies, blah blah, that whole deal, though it turned out well, in my opinion, with yet more amusing antics, fascinating action, and impressive special effects to boot. Let us just hope that the third is able to provide a rational explanation for the return of a supposedly dead antagonist and protagonist (Captain Hector Barbossa and Captain Jack Sparrow, respectively), as well as seamlessly explain the sudden joining of the various "evil" forces that threaten the "good life" of plundering ships and sending their crews to their deaths. Oh, and on a side note, Jack is not "so sexy." He's filthy, smelly, an alcoholic, a thief, a liar, and a bit on the crazy side. What's to find attractive?



I will comment more on Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End once I have actually seen it. As for two other movies that I would like to mention, Halo and Warcraft, I am hoping that their respective companies, Microsoft and Blizzard, know full well what they are doing, but let us just hope that the writers and directors know how to accurately depict their "epic" storylines in video form. Since both are to be live-action, I just hope and pray that we don't end up with some career-whoring piece of crap, like so many have become. I want actors (that know what they are doing, of course) whom I don't readily recognize in pop culture to play the main parts, or else these powerful storyplot-based movies will be only reflections of the success of others. The Rock as Master Chief, or Orlando Bloom as a night elf would just completely spoil the illusion of things being unique to their respective worlds. I would personally prefer it if both were completely CG, Warcraft in particular (seeing as I've grown accustomed to their fantastic portrayal of their various worlds in stunningly photo-realistic cinematics), but since that will not be the case, the best I can hope for is an illusion of the style I am used to, and to do that, I will have to be separated from reality.

UPDATE: Shrek the Third has apparently made it to #1 in the box office, and taken the place of #3 in the list of highest-grossing movies of all time (Spiderman 3 and Pirates of the Caribbean 2 taking first and second, respective). Note: that doesn't make it any less stupid.