Belated Retort of Modern Significance and Cultural Reference

To sum up Stephen Spielberg's creation, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, "Rosebud must have fallen off the wall."

Post-Nuclear FPSRPG

Though I've not yet played Fallout 3 all the way through (due to a combination of generally disliking the completely open-world style, family visiting, and faffing about in said open world), I can say from what I've seen thus far that it's certainly an entertaining little chip. Now, while I have been overly critical about it in the past, saying that the graphics are downright bad, in hindsight, I think that's a bit too harsh. Sure, some textures look like pixelated, blurry messes when you get up close, some walls/ceilings have odd texture mapping errors where a grain of metal, wood, or rust suddenly stops and continues on in a completely different direction, and the characters look about as lifeless and unrealistic as they can be in this video game generation, but overall, it's not bad. Hell, I have to admit that the wasteland looks amazing, and some of the effects (spoiler: like the destruction of Megaton) just make my mouth water.

On the other hand, thus far the game has mostly been about battles upon battles upon battles, which I suppose is the point. However, if I recall, most every battle in Fallout and Fallout 2 could be avoided if you said the right thing, had the right skills, or just ran fast enough, but here, combat is inevitable. At the best, your skills will help you activate a robot to assist you in clearing an area, but the robot can't handle it all on its own, it's just a weak assistant (in particular, I'm thinking of a certain Super-Mart level). Additionally, I was very disappointed with how little a lot of characters had to say, and, for those who did speak, how little of what they said was interesting or important. In Fallout 1 and 2, the world was populated by NPCs who would say little, if anything, with a few scattered important NPCs who had a lot of say, and usually a reason to say it (as in, it related to some quest or another). In Fallout 3, everyone has a few lines to jabber, but barely anyone has anything important to say, at least not directly.

Something that I'm not sure if I like or not would be the way that skills often don't guarantee success, like they seemed to in Fallout 1 and 2. For instance, if you have speech skill, it will give you a percentile roll. Even if you've got insane speech skill, unless your opponent is extremely weak-willed, it's not guaranteed to work. I guess this adds the same sense of urgency as, say, rolling 1 in Dungeons and Dragons, except that skill checks don't have auto-failures in D&D. I believe that, in Fallout 1 and 2, if you didn't have the necessary percent chance of success from a high enough skill, the option simply didn't show (though I could be wrong, and it could have been working with the percentile thing behind the scenes all along). What it amounts to is me saving before talking to an NPC, then reloading and reloading until I get the roll. Basically, it makes it pointless to crank up the skill, unless maybe it "unlocks" some options.

Which brings me nicely to my second point: skill ranks that just "unlock" minigames. In Fallout 3, your skill rank in things such as science and lockpicking simply determines whether or not you'll get a chance to pick a lock. In Fallout 1 and 2, your skill was represented as a percent chance of success, modified by the difficulty of the lock. Here, having one of the necessary tiers (25, 50, 85, etc.) will unlock your ability to play a minigame. In the case of lockpicking, you try to jimmy the lock with a bobby pin and screwdriver. At least that takes some concentration and can be done easily if you figure it out--if you start to jimmy and it doesn't look like it's working, stop right away and try another spot before the pin breaks off. It teaches you to use a light touch, which is nice.

However, when hacking a terminal, you have to guess what word is the password. Well, that's actually not correct, as none of the words are the REAL password, it's just a word randomly chosen when you enter the terminal. When you select a word, the terminal will tell you how many of the letters in that word are in the correct sequence. For instance, if the correct password is "boar" and I pick "four", it will tell me that 2 of 4 letters are correct. However, often the correct letters are something shared by most, if not all, of the words (like an "ing" ending), and you save time merely by guessing randomly. There's no real skill involved in this one, it's just blind luck, and it's annoying. Fortunately, you can exit out of the terminal before all four attempts are used, and it will give you another four chances, but with a whole new randomly generated series of words. Therefore, you never actually guess the real password (which would be helpful and fun, as you could do some guessing based on location, who own the terminal, etc.), but rather some word that may or may not be actually relevant.

Maybe it's a bit ironic that I like random chance rolls with skills, but not with persuasion, and, honestly, I don't mind the speech percent chance so badly. It's that damn hacking screen that really annoys me. And, on top of that, more often than not, most of the options on the terminal are useless (you get some error from the terminal, which I suppose is meant to make things seem realistically broken down, but it's just disappointing after all that work hacking it).

Another problem with the open-ended world is, like Oblivion, there are a lot of places which are essentially useless. Sure, there's usually something of some interest, but I feel like I'd rather have less areas with more detail and worth, rather than more areas that are basically good for nothing. Granted, it's not nearly as bad as Oblivion.

Speaking of not being as bad as Oblivion, I'm SO HAPPY that Bethesda finally removed that crappy stealing system from the engine! In Oblivion, if you steal something, anyone in the vicinity knows you've stolen, regardless of whether or not they saw you, and the generic item is tagged as stolen, so you can only sell it to special fences. Not in Fallout 3. Here, you can rob a store owner blind when they have their back turned, then sell the entire stock back. That is, until they run out of their limited supply of bottle caps (which apparently take forever to come back). You can do this without sneaking at all, as long as they didn't see you, and no one's the wiser. Maybe that's scaling their thief-awareness back a bit TOO far.

If I had to sum up my complaints with Fallout 3, I'd say that the game feels unfinished. There are a lot of loose ends, pointless crap, and boring bumbling about. At least there's a fast-travel system, but, like Oblivion, you have to find the place on foot first. What was wrong with a map system like Fallout 1 and 2, where, when told where someplace is, you'll get a pip on your map, which you travel to on the map screen, but there's a chance you'll hit some resistance along the way, or find a special area? I admire Bethesda's efforts in emulating the authentic "Fallout" feel, and in some ways they succeeded (in the same way that the newest Star Wars trilogy "kind of" feels like the classic one), but, overall, I'd say the game is overhyped and deserving of a 75 to 80% at most.

Don't get me wrong. Neither Fallout 1 nor Fallout 2 were perfect, but they had great atmosphere and fantastic interaction. Fallout 3, however, while it has some atmosphere, tries to make up for its lack of interaction with a lot of plain action. Sorry, Bethesda, but there's a limit to how sweet a death animation can be, particularly when all that happens is the limbs and head separate from the body. Besides, it's totally been done before. Look at The Suffering, to name just one.

Payne In My Head

Okay, so Max Payne may have deserved its score. Granted, it stayed fairly close to the game's plot, and the film has an interesting grungy atmosphere to it. However, the movie falters in its execution. For instance, I like the portrayal of the effects of Valkyr, the drug, as demons, though apparently many people didn't get that insinuation (one particular moviegoer asked me, when I mentioned that the movie was based off a game, if there were demons in the game).

Basically, the movie is slow-paced and doesn't cater to its audience. I guess I admire that it doesn't dumb itself down, but many of the audience was simply lost as to what was going on. It's only thanks to my experience with the game that I could follow, though I seriously considered walking out of the theater at one point, I was so dreadfully bored. That's rare.

So, well, it is rather bad, but not in the same way that most movies are. It's simply too vague and has some seriously bad editing. Overall, though, it's not horrible in the sense that most movies are (that is, poorly-written and stupid). If you like really intense, non-catering movies, give it a try.

Ember and Payne

The general consensus is that City of Ember was a fairly poor film, scoring only 48% on Rotten Tomatoes. Of course, then again, Quarantine did far better, and, from what I hear, that's been rather overrated (according to The Spoony One's opinion, which I respect).



Personally, I thought that City of Ember was very good. The complaints are that it goes too slowly, there isn't enough action/adventure, etc., but it introduces the characters and opens the story in about the same way as the book, and, through it all, stays pretty close to the source material. If anything, it adds action/adventure that's not in the book to begin with. I'm a big fan of trying to keep movies as close to their sources as is possible, particularly avoiding reinterpretations of the source material. As someone said, "if you know you can't make it better, don't try."

On the other side of the coin, I'm planning to go see Max Payne tonight. It's been a long time since I played the game, but I recall very good things. The game was action-packed, had an interesting story, and did some fun and fascinating mindplay with psychological scenes like running down a hallway that stretches out longer and longer before you. From what I hear, the movie doesn't stick to the game at all, and that's an easy way to earn my criticism, but let's see how it actually turns out.

If you don't mind spoilers, go ahead and watch the game. It's pretty entertaining, and I love the comic book style of the cutscenes.

Lighten Up

I'm hoping that City of Ember doesn't suck. The book was pretty neat, and the trailer looks fairly sweet. We'll see.

What The Hellboy? pt 3

NOTE: This article contains satire and is not to be taken seriously.

WARNING: This article contains EXTREME SPOILERS.

Please read part 1 and part 2 before continuing.

It's at this point that the audience has to endure an extremely stupid sequence where Abe is looking for the proper love song for the Princess, then Hellboy comes with beer and the two get smashed and chat in slurring voices about women. They even sing along with the song! It's painful.

Meanwhile, the Prince finally arrives at the Bureau, and his sister, aware of this, throws the map and cylinder into the fire and hides the crown piece in the poetry book she'd been reading. As Hellboy and Abe continue to act like douches, the Prince finds his twin and caresses her in a rather incestuous way while sighing loving words to her in a breathy voice. He knows that she'd hidden the crown piece in a book, but apparently, although he was able to pinpoint the building she was in from miles away, he's not able to pinpoint the book she put it in while they're in the same room together, even when she foolishly glances at the book she hid it in on the shelf. Yeah, that's relay smart, you dumb broad. It's a good thing he wasn't watching your eyes. The Prince does, however, manage to get the the map by taking the red-hot metal cylinder out of the fire, bare-handed, and rolling it out onto a piece of... parchment, I guess. Anyway, it leaves burn marks in the shape of the map. Apparently the cylinder not only contained the map, but had it engraved as well. Why? If this is supposed to be a super-secret place that you don't want anyone to find who shouldn't, why put the map on a metal cylinder? Wouldn't that mean that the map couldn't easily be destroyed, thus making the place you're trying to hide easier to find, as is the case here? Ugh!

Anyway, the Princess manages to sound an alarm that draws everyone to the correct room (how? I don't know--maybe they share the twins' psychic link or something), where, but for a moment's stumbling, Hellboy and Abe completely forget that they're drunk. The slurring and everything is completely gone, though Hellboy DOES lose to the Prince (well, he is trying not to hurt the Prince, since Abe informs him that hurting the Prince would also hurt the Princess, just before the elf does a sneak-attack; he's not very honorable for a prince of elves, is he?), who stabs him with his growing magical spear and breaks off the tip inside of his chest. In the Princess' credit, she doesn't buckle to giving away the location of the piece, even as the Prince is totally kicking Hellboy's ass. A lesser man (*cough* Abe, Liz *cough*) would have given in.

"I'm not going to show you where the crown piece I'm holding is hidden! Nevah!"

So, the Prince demands he get the crown piece within so much time, or else he'll kill the Princess (who he takes along with him). Unfortunately for the merry band of anti-heroes, they are unable to remove the shard from Hellboy, as every time they come nearer, the shard moves closer to Hellboy's heart. How? Magic.

After some would-be tearful moments (if this movie was put together well enough to actually elicit an emotional response), Abe figures out which book the crown piece must be in (the one she had been reading) and takes it out. Meanwhile, Strauss, Manning, and Liz are discussing where the golden army is stored. They've figured out where, but Strauss says that they have their orders from Washington to not go there should they find the crown piece, lest they risk letting the golden army out. Liz, being an emotion-driven bonehead, whines about how they'll "just let him [Hellboy] die." Hmm... Let's see. Go and ask the Prince to remove the shard for them in exchange for the crown piece, thus bringing about the end to all mankind, Hellboy and his friends most likely included, or let Hellboy die. Tough decision, innit?

"Agent Sheyrmon, may I remind you zat I eem ze leater oof zis team?" "Oh, there's no doubt about that, sir. That is what you are, Dr. Krauss, and if ever you were human, that time is long gone." Ohhhh, snap! She went there! Krauss straightens like he just got hit with a yo momma joke or something, and you can tell it's this big, emotional thing. Uh... If ever he was human... he would risk the survival of all humankind for a demon he barely knows and doesn't like? Yup, I guess that makes sense.

Well, after Liz storms out like the senseless woman that she is, Abe, who had also been waiting to be called upon like a good boy, backs away and leaves (it is revealed that he has the crown piece with him), without mentioning what he found. Gee, I wonder where he's going with that. Everyone goes to look for the crown piece, while Krauss waits behind and looks at... a piece of leather, I guess.

"Heloo yoong loowers, whooeweh you eer, I hoop yew chroobelss oor few. Ooll moy goot visheess goo vidd you toonide, Ei'ff been een looff loike you.... "

Then Abe walks up to Liz, who is burning in anger, and she says that, even without the piece, they will have to take get Hellboy out of there and take him to the Prince. Yeah, because the Prince is such a nice guy, I'm sure he'll oblige. Then, when Abe glances nervously away, Liz reaches out and grabs him with her burning hand, then glances at her hand and extinguishes the flame. Uh... Okay. I mean, she was on fire! Shouldn't it at least have singed his outfit? No, it didn't. Big surprise. One could argue that maybe she only burns what she wants to burn, but if that's the case, then why does everyone have to flee when she, say, burned all those tooth fairies earlier on? Couldn't she have focused on only burning them?

Anyway, Abe agrees and they prepare a jet for take-off, trying to hurry before they get stopped for not having authorization to scramble. As they help Hellboy through the halls, Krauss walks up to the three and asks if they have clearance. Liz threateningly pulls out a pistol and says that he won't stop them, but Krauss says that, to the contrary, he has "geeven eet some thought" and that they should be able to save Hellboy. "You say I'm not human anymore, but you are wrong. I understand your pain all too well. A long time ago, I lost the woman I loved; it was, in fact, the source of my present misfortune. I will tell you about it one day, but for now, the tactical advantage is ours! ....Screw the clearance, we will take that [unintelligible]! (insert your own accent into the prior quote)" Unsurprisingly, Krauss never actually tells them the story of his love during the movie, which means that this was all a cheap cop-out to get him to join the rebels. Decades and decades of following the rules meticulously, and just because Liz is a whiny bitch, he decides to turn his back on everything that he's stood for in order to help out a guy he barely knows and doesn't like, possibly at the expense of the entire human race?

"Scroo ze rools! I heff en exccent!"

See, it's that kind of unrealistic character development that puts me off to the movie. This is completely out of character for Krauss, even if he did have a lost love. He's far too logical, by-the-books, and precise to change like this. It just makes absolutely no sense, whatsoever. Sure, you can slap an "I lost a love, too" excuse onto any character and make them change however you like, but it's cheap and cliche'.

So they're all on their way to Ireland, where the golden army is apparently stored. There, while looking for the entrance, they randomly come across not only a goblin, but the goblin who forged the golden army in the first place. He's missing an arm and his lower body because, as is revealed later, he got badly burned while working the forges. Instead, he seems attached to a wooden cart, which he wheels around by pulling himself along on the ground. Yeah, that's right. This goblin has survived thousands of years, chopped in two, going around with his upper half sitting on a cart. Is that stupid? Oh, yeah, that's stupid.

"How do I take a shit?!"

The goblin says that, in exchange for the "shiny thing under the bandage" (the broken-off spear point), he will show them where the entrance to where the golden army is hidden is. After informing him that they can't take it out without killing Hellboy, he says that he knows someone who can and asks if they will trade with him then. They all pause as if considering the idea, which seems kind of funny as the whole reason they're here is to get the shard out, but at last they agree. So, the goblin awakens some stone golem, which sits up, revealing the entrance in its chest. Christ, is this Hellboy, or the Chronicles of Narnia? Because that sounds like something from The Silver Chair.

"Proceed. Touch nothing but the lamp!"

So, after foolishly entering the mystical doorway of potential doom with the weird goblin they just met, the bunch come to a big hole which the goblin implies had been a city at one point, but a plague of "death and silence" befell them after the golden army was stored there. Okaaay. Why? There's no curse associated with the golden army, so why did that happen? There's no reason. After a bit, they come to a big crack in the wall, where the goblin asks Liz and Hellboy to enter, and the rest to remain put. They agree, because someone that ugly and disfigured can't have bad intentions in mind, right?

Once inside, he greets his "friend", who is apparently some angel of death and looks like the love child of Tyrael and the Mouth of Sauron. How that copulation took place, I dare not imagine. Maybe the grandfather was Jeepers Creepers.

+

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While the goblin continues to whine about wanting his shiny (seriously? I once roleplayed a retarded character who was like that, back when I was an amateur--this is some crap writing), the angel of death hisses to Liz about how Hellboy will eventually bring about the end of the Earth and asks if she's sure that she wants him saved, and, like a complete MORON, she insists that she does. Because, you know, the fate of everything that lives is trivial next to true love. Awww...

Seriously, what a selfish bitch. That really pissed me off about the Matrix movies, too. Maybe it's all noble and stuff to risk the fate of the world for someone you love, but it's also fuckin' stupid. Would I do the same? If I really loved someone, I may, but it's still damn annoying to watch them act so stupid. This is why superheros should never have a significant other--it's always a crutch.

Where was I? Oh, right. The angel of death magically extracts the daggerhead, cackles about Liz having chosen the doom of the world or something, thereby sealing the fact that there will be more sequels in the future. I certainly hope that they turn out better than this one! "You, my dear, will suffer more than anyone." "I'll deal with it." Well, good for you. What about all the billions of other people? What about their loves that will be lost? God!

Okay, okay, I'm done. So Hellboy is healed (after Liz "gives him a reason to live", whispering in his ear that he'll be a father--really, give him a reason to live? isn't being with her reason enough?), the goblin gets his shiny, and they all go to where the golden army is being kept.

They enter the chamber where the Prince and Princess are and the former asks something that I couldn't understand because of the poor voice compression. Krauss tries to answer, but is cut off with, "I wasn't addressing you, Tinman." Wow. I like how the Prince, who has been an exile from society and hates humans, references a classic work of human literature. And by "like", I mean "think that's really stupid." Sure, it may seem like I'm nit-picking, but keep in mind that every line of dialog, every action, every plot twist, was thought out and written down, so it's not a boo-boo like a character's makeup scar moving around from scene to scene, but rather an intentional work, which I feel I have every right to criticize.

Moving on, Abe gives up the crown piece he found for the sake of his love, the Princess. Why, exactly? Didn't they all go to Ireland to get Hellboy healed? Now that he's healed, couldn't they just go back home and leave the Prince without his full crown? I guess that Blue did come for the girl, but why would the Prince just give her up, even if he had his army? Couldn't they take her by force? I mean, what's the Prince going to do, hurt his beloved twin, and, vicariously, himself? Abe's defense is, "you would do the exact same for Liz." I guess that makes them all stupid, Abe and Liz in particular, since they're both willingly gambling the lives of everyone on the planet for the sake of their quaint little warm fuzzies. How pathetic.

GLOMP!

From here, it's mostly a lot of action, for better or worse. The Prince activates the golden army, they all march up and start fighting our intrepid would-be heroes, and chaos ensues. I find it funny, for instance, that Hellboy is able to blow apart these metal machines with his shotgun pistol. Have you ever tried blowing apart a car engine with buckshot? Not that easy.

Then, Krauss possesses one of the machines and begins going on a rampage. I have to wonder, since this is his first time in that body, why is it that he is able to fight far better than any of the other machines? It takes them forever to take him down. While we're at it, why doesn't he just possess the Prince and make him remove his crown? Durr, because that would make sense, I suppose.

Also, I'm guessing that it's magic, and not actual technology, that allows the machines to rebuild themselves after being destroyed. Either way, it looks a bit dumb. It's kind of like the Iron Giant, except completely overdone.

So, at last, Hellboy gets the brilliant idea of challenging the Prince for his right to command (who would have seen THAT coming?). If all you have to do is challenge him, then there's no threat, right? If anyone, at all, sees the golden army coming, just call out a challenge and go into hiding. The golden army will stop functioning, just like that. No problem. Even if it didn't work quite that way, you could easily have someone challenge the Prince's rule, then, I don't know, SHOOT the motherfucker while he was playing with his overcompensating spear.

After challenging the Prince's right to command (after some bullshit about Hellboy having royal blood somehow or another...), the Prince gives Hellboy what looks like a half-katana to fight with against his own spear. And Hellboy wins. Quite decisively. How? Hellboy has lived for, what, 64 years? He fights with, what, his fists and a pistol? Yet, he grabs up this sword and somehow bests an elf who has apparently been practicing with his spear for thousands of years. Can someone explain that to me, please? Because, personally, I think it's yet another glaring plot hole.

Doesn't Prince Angst look an awful lot like that pale guy at the end of The Time Machine in this shot?

After awhile, Hellboy begins pussyfooting around, riding gears and just evading Prince Angst, until, finally, the Princess stabs herself in order to stop her brother. Wow, at least one woman in this movie has some sense. There's some drawn-out death scene that I really don't give a shit about, because this movie has done nothing to make me sympathize with the characters. Instead, they just piss me off. Then, the Pale Prince turns into a statute (because that's what happens when elves die... duh) and, for some reason, crumbles apart. Uh, what made him break apart? What, no answer, just another plot hole? Oh, okay.

So then Abe's left caressing his love's statue (probably glad that he didn't have his cock in her when she died) and acting all mournful, which is kind ironic, really, because it's his fault that they came to this place and had this trouble at all. They could have just healed Hellboy and gone home, and left the Prince to wallow, but no. He had to save the girl. Well, how do you feel about it now, fish-boy? Pleased with your stupid decisions now?

In the end, Liz takes the command crown and melts it with her uber-heat, which again begs the question of how no one else seems bothered by the heat, how her clothes never incinerate, etc. No, it's not nit-picking, it's bad story-telling. They could have put a reason, but they instead insult everyone by assuming they're too stupid to pick up on that. At least in Fantastic Four, they had some kind of (weak though it may have been) explanation for why the flame guy's suit doesn't burn up.

Now, I do like the final line that Dr. Krauss gives to Manning after everyone else has quit and he decides to join them ("Suck my ectoplasmic [something that sounds German]!"). However, I would again point out the fact that him going against protocol, let alone downright quitting, is completely out of character. Hell, why would any of them quit? How has the Bureau hurt them in any way? True, they put the lives of the human race above the life of Hellboy himself, but as a hero, shouldn't he be willing to sacrifice himself to save the world, anyway? Isn't that why he fights? Besides that and Manning just being a dickhole, what's the point of leaving? They'll probably be missing their cool gadgets and purpose in life pretty fast and come crawling back (not, they'll probably be doing great in some suck-ass sequel).

Finally, Liz reveals to Hellboy that there will be, not one, but two children. And she found this out... how? She's showing no signs of being pregnant, which means that it's most likely too early to tell by ultrasound, and Abe only said that she was pregnant, not how many there were (how would he know what a pregnancy sounds like, anyway? has he touched a lot of pregnant women? considering how he usually lives in his tank, I'm guessing not). How, then, would she know? And again, I think that physics would really, really work against Hellboy and, well, any woman copulating. It certainly wouldn't be a pleasant experience for the woman, in any case. Also, is she nuts? Even if Hellboy is a nice enough guy, I'm pretty sure that, if I were a woman, I wouldn't want to have demon-seed festering in my womb, making an anti-Christ or something.

Now, after all of this, you probably think that I really, really hate this movie. Well, honestly, no, I don't. I think it's alright. It's better than most of what's out there, for certain. However, the movie has gotten an 88% fresh rating on RottenTomatoes. That's just insane! That's even better than the original, which at least made sense in its own little world. There is no way this movie deserves that kind of rating. Look at my review--there are glaring problems (or at least oddities) in pretty much every scene. I'm not sure what disillusioned everyone about this movie, but I guess I looked the wrong way when all the rainbows and happy unicorns were prancing about. Either that, I or I'm not apt to suck up to the director, Guillermo del Toro, who everyone is creaming their pants over these days. Honestly, I'm really willing to say that it's not his fault, nor the actors' fault. I mean, there are a lot of great actors in this film, including Ron Perlman, the guy who, among other things, does the trademark "War. War never changes." intro for Fallout games. Instead, I think I will blame the writers for this mess. Maybe I am nitpicking at parts, but a lot of these things are pretty obvious inconsistencies, and I reassert that the character design is pretty poor and the special effects very unrealistic for a modern film.

To top it all off, some kids were saying, "I wish they had shown the baby..." and "I wonder what the baby will look like..." and such jibberish as I exited the theater. You know what? Children suck as sequel devices. Take, for instance, Lady and the Tramp 2, Balto 2, The Little Mermaid 2, hell, [classic Disney cartoon] 2 of almost any kind! They're absolute shit, and to anyone who disagrees, I would simply point to The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull as a shining example. Look at how bad Shrek 3 was, and that pretty much featured the offspring. No, I hope that Liz and Hellboy get into a fight, break up, and give away or abort the little twerp. If not, I have a feeling that the next sequel will be a real stillbirth.

More: Bum Review, review 1, review 2, review 3, review 4

What The Hellboy? pt 2

NOTE: This article contains satire and is not to be taken seriously.

WARNING: This article contains EXTREME SPOILERS.

Please read part 1 before continuing.

I guess it looked stylish back in the 1800s.

So this troll market is apparently located beneath the Brooklyn bridge. Why has no one found it, you ask? Why, because they didn't have excessively complicated clockwork goggles to see through the cloaking aura of trolls to find one to take them to the market, of course! I mean, isn't it obvious?

Again, I like clockwork steampunk quite a lot, but this all feels over the top and not very well thought out. Why do they have to be these 1876 clockwork goggles? Why not a new scanning device? What is it about "four crystal diopters" that allow one to see through the "cloaking aura of glamor" of trolls, which makes them otherwise appear to be homeless ladies? Homeless ladies which, by the way, are afraid of canaries and eat kittens. I guess it made sense to the writers.

So they find a troll and, because Hellboy loves kittens, beat the shit out of her when she tries to eat one, by which I mean he shows her a canary in a cage. Seriously, could the writers think of no more likely thing for her to be afraid of? At least vampires being afraid of garlic and werewolves afraid of silver kind of makes sense. It harms them, right? What the hell can a canary do?

In any case, the troll reveals the entrance to the market--a sliding panel inside a meat packing plant. From there, it looks like we stepped into that street in Harry Potter after Hagrid taps some bricks with his umbrella. Seriously, it's a whole nother world in there. It may have worked if the first Hellboy movie had fantasy themes, but it didn't. Now, it just feels like they were desperate for a story and couldn't come up with a plot that didn't include fantasy creatures, so they suddenly made this huge, elaborate world that was never even hinted at before. It's like how everyone was revealed to be a pirate on some council in Dead Man's Chest, even though there was absolutely nothing that led up to it. Also, this is the first time that the movie uses a split-screen effect to depict someone on a radio or phone.

"See, this way the audience can tell that we're talking with one another. Isn't that dandy?"

Am I the only one who thinks that this looks really, really corny? And, to make it worse, it's followed by a screen-wipe scene transition.

Also, Manning discusses how Dr. Krauss is this super-efficient guy who always obeys the chain of command, and one assumes that he's been this way for a long, long time, as he's a ghost. This will be important later on.

Before they can fall down the rabbit hole, though, they have to enter this big vault-like door with a complex combination lock. Here, Hellboy really does beat the shit out of the troll-lady, but Krauss simply possesses the lock to get it to open. As has been revealed, he can possess anything, creature or object, alive or dead. Again, Krauss is able to speak even when outside of the suit, which begs the question of why the suit is necessary at all, or, at least, why it has to have a big, metal-and-glass globe for a head. The vault door, like everything else, is excessively elaborate, and Krauss welcomes them to the troll market.

I guess I should be impressed here, but, honestly, I'm not. At all. I don't see any fascinating creature designs or elaborate detail. It's not that it's bad, just very mediocre. Hellboy comments about how no one stares at him in the troll market because they're all equally freaky, but Krauss demands that he keep chatter to a minimum, which is fine with me. One little thing that bugged me, though, is after he tells Liz that he'll talk to her later, she says "Alright. Over and out." That made me cringe.

For those who don't know, "over" is a radio expression that means "I'm finished talking, please respond", while "out" means "I'm finished talking and do not expect a response." So, what "over and out" is saying is "I'm finished and expect a response, but don't respond." See? It makes no sense. It's a cliche', and a mistaken one, at that. I admire films, shows, etc. that just end a radio call with "out", because they know their stuff. "Over and out" is just a testament to the ignorance of the writer.

So, while they're walking around, Abe randomly glances over and sees the twin of the Pale Prince and notices the seal on her braclet from like a mile away and then calls Red for another of those lovely split-screen radio transmission things. Ugh. Also, for a guy who seems like he knows what he's doing so far, Krauss is suddenly totally lost and is unable to get help until finally coming across two particularly ugly specimines of bad character design.

"I'm not a baby, I'm a tumor. Because cancer is funny. Hyuck, hyuck."

I have to admit, these two are some of the worst modern special effects I've ever seen. They're not CG, note, which may please some, but their lip-sync is pretty far off, and they are almost completely inexpressive. Krauss asks them about the tooth fairies, they know nothing, but when asking about the seal found on the containers holding the tooth fairies, they both gasp and look at one another in a completely unrealistic way and insist that they don't want to talk about it, so Hellboy pops up and beats the shit out of them until the one with the baby (no, it's a talking tumor--seriously, was that supposed to be funny?) talks. They say that the fairies were bought by Prince Angst and say that there's talk of war with the human world since the truce has been broken. This is getting more and more far-fetched.

Abe follows the Pale Princess into a shop where she reveals her identity to the owner, who was apparently keeping a cylindrical metal map-holder behind a ceramic beehive-like wall that he has to shatter to get it out. Why? I don't know. Then, Abe comes in and the Princess demands to know why he's following her. He tries to bullshit, but she doesn't believe and instead demands to see his hand. He holds it up (gloved, mind you), and she touches it and reads his mind. Similarly, he reads her mind. That's kind of funny, since, although it is shown that Abe has some psychic powers in the first movie (doesn't he? it's like they forgot about that up to now, because he's not used it at all), but he always had to take off his glove for it to work. Oops! Or is it just because she's psychic as well, they are able to trade thoughts through his rubber spandex suit? Because, of course, all of one's personality actually resides in their palms. You know, where your brain is.

Then there's an awkward, cheesy scene were the two fall suddenly in love with one another. Pale elf woman and freakish blue fish-man? It's a match made in heaven.

Are those Jawas in the background?

Just then, Mr. Wink breaks into the shop to interrupt what would probably otherwise have been an awkwardly forced make-out and sex scene. Apparently Mr. Winks is angry because... he's... because he looks evil. No, I guess he's actually after the Princess, but totally forgets about her in order to fight first Blue, and then Hellboy, who beats the shit out of him and then tricks him into being pulled through a grinder (which is just randomly in the middle of the market--I can't see what the point of its being there is, but it's there--how convenient). Some little two-headed creature runs to the Prince to report that Wink is dead, and he seems pretty devastated for some reason. I guess the two were lovers, or something.

Meanwhile, the Princess shows the crown piece and map (which leads to where the golden army is stored) to Krauss, Hellboy, and Abe. Krauss suggests that she hand the crown piece over, but she insists on keeping it in the oh-so-safe little compartment in the metal thing on her belly. "Where it goes, I go." May I ask why? It would be far more rational to hand it over, since it will be revealed in just a bit (by her) that her brother knows everything she knows, and thus is aware of the location of the Bureau, where they take her. Great thinking there, Princess. Nothing like granite-solid female logic in a time of crisis. She claims that because her father died it somehow makes it a good idea for her to keep the piece, but whatever. Abe vouches for her because he's sporting a slimy fish-boner for her white rose, and, even though Krauss doesn't seem particularly satisfied with that (it's nice to have a voice of reason), Hellboy's insistence on defiance at last wins over.

Suddenly, the Prince is there, saying that Hellboy will pay for killing Mr. Wink. What a lose-lose situation, I mean what else were they supposed to do? He was kind of a thousand pounds of lumbering cyborg troll. To get them back, the Prince releases a bean (after vaguely whispering "kill him" to it--like the bean knows who the Prince is referring to) that rolls its way to water (while everyone stares dumbly) and suddenly grows into a huge plant elemental. Did you see that coming? Because I totally didn't.

So this elemental grows to building-size in a few short moments, bursting out of the street and sending all kinds of people fleeing. One woman who is forced to run from her car, almost looking hesitant to leave, seems to have forgotten her baby inside (seriously, she stares forlornly into her car, but doesn't really complain when she's urged away). Thankfully, Hellboy takes the baby out moments before the car is crushed by the elemental. Hereafter, the entire fight scene between Hellboy and the elemental is done with Hellboy carrying the child in one arm. In his stone arm, no less. I'd think that, during all his strenuous fighting, he'd accidentally tighten his arm just a bit too much, but then what do I know?

Anyway, after Hellboy has beaten (or rather shot with his pistol that seems to fire shotgun shells) the elemental into submission, the Prince is suddenly there to taunt Hellboy about how he may not actually want to kill the elemental, because, like himself and Hellboy, it's the last of its kind. Well, after a moment of thought on Hellboy's part where we get a good look at his beard, the elemental attacks again and Hellboy kills it (with a shot to the head, as is brilliantly recommended by his allies--who woulda thunk it?) after Krauss has been yelling for Hellboy to do just that for what seemed like forever.

Climbing buildings and defeating gigantic monsters while holding a tiny infant? Now that's badass. What a great parent Hellboy will make.

Then, oddly, Hellboy returns the child to its mother as she is meanwhile accusing him of stealing or hurting her baby, and everyone in the crowd begins to suddenly throw rocks and insults at Hellboy, and a cop even almost shoots at him, completely unprovoked ("He's got a weapon in his hand!" "No, that IS his hand!"). What? What the hell? The crowd was there the whole time, and Hellboy was fighting up on the sign of a building, where he's clearly visible. It's perfectly obvious that he saved the baby and defeated the elemental, so why are all the people acting like they didn't see it? They clearly saw what he did! Anyway, Hellboy gets all "shucks, I guess I'm not really appreciated/wanted" and emo and shit. It's like Dark Knight, except it feels really, really forced here. There's absolutely no reason for everyone to hate him like that, and yet they do. Bad writing.

The dead elemental for some reason sprouts into a bunch of pretty foliage and flowers. Why? Iono. There's probably some subtle message here, but I don't get it.

Then, there's back at the base and we get a glimpse of some news reporter discussing the new debate of interspecies marriage. I guess between Liz and Hellboy? Well, it was never implied that they were married or getting married, and hasn't this already been brought up concerning some lesbian and her dog or something? Anyway, Hellboy mopes about his unwarranted existentialism, but Liz has the perfect way to cheer him up; she tells him that she's going to leave him for awhile so she can think. What a way to cheer up an already depressed guy, huh? Way to go, Liz. You're really a top-notch significant other. "Red, why are you with me? Do you need everyone to like you, or am I enough?" What? He's probably with you because it'd be pretty damn hard to find another girl who would date a demon. Size queens are difficult to find you know. The scene ends with a not-so-subtle image of Hellboy leaning forlornly against a television that happens to be playing Bride of Frankenstein. Yeah, we get it.

Then, we cut to the Princess pondering over her map while Abe puts in some contacts. Again, why? I don't really know. Is it a joke or something? Like when Mike from Monsters, Inc. puts in a huge contact? It just seems like a pointless little thing. Then, as the Princess is reading a poem aloud, Abe suddenly walks up to her and cites the poem and author, because he's edjumicated and acts like a faggot. Oh, and again he's not wearing his breathing apparatus.

"I feel strangely attracted to you. It's like some stupid plot device demands it." "Wow, me, too!"

This is where the link between the two twins, both in mind and body, is actually cited. The Princess says that, since she knows where the Bureau is, her brother now knows as well. Shouldn't she be able to know exactly where he is and what he's plotting, then? "It's something I cannot explain," which is just a convenient way of saying, "it makes no sense, but the writer didn't want to think up anything that was more logical, so here we are." Also, she comments on how she can see his eyes now (as though she only just now noticed he wasn't wearing goggles) and they stare deeply at one another as Abe blinks sideways, because his eyelids are on the left and right sides of his eyes, rather than at the top and bottom. Yeah, that's not freaky at all. Apparently fish totally turn this girl on.

She shows him a map that she took out of the cylinder and, as he looks it over, she comments on how brave he was to vouch for her. Not really. I mean, what did he have to lose? It was Hellboy who was really brave, standing up to Dr. Krauss. Abe just wants to get into her dress. Probably literally. God, he acts so prissy and gay, it's kind of annoying.

After a scene where Hellboy stares at himself in a mirror as "Beautiful Freak" plays (I guess I'm supposed to be feeling something for him? because I don't--at all), he and Krauss meet in the locker room and the good doctor chews out Red, insisting that he will learn to obey. Ja! Befolgen Sie, folgen Sie, reichen Sie ein, Sieg heil!

I've got to ask: what's with the rosary beads? It's not like Hellboy is particularly religious in any other way. Is he trying to protect himself... from himself?

Then, the big conflict! I mean, how dare Krauss say that he knew Hellboy's father (who designed his suit--seriously, did his father do everything? wasn't his father a paranormal expert?) and try to connect with Hellboy! "Stop it, right now." "Ooor vhat? Are you sreatening me? Becoos I sink I keen take you." Well, to cut an interesting scene short, Hellboy punches Krauss hard enough to shatter the glass top of his helmet, but Krauss gets back, oh yes. He possesses the lockers, causing them to open suddenly and smack Hellboy repeatedly. Zhat'll shoo heem!

Honestly, Hellboy gets the shit kicked out of him by all kinds of gigantic creatures and gets up without a hitch, but he's somehow brought down by flimsy locker doors? And besides, in order to hit him the way that they do, the lockers have to be hinged opposing one another. Who would build a locker system like that? It makes no sense. The lockers would all be fastened on the same side. And again, Krauss talks, moves, and interacts with things just fine in his gaseous form, so what's the point of possessing the suit and fumbling around with those big glove-fingers all the time?

Oh, snap. Don't fuck with Dr. Krauss, he'll slam a locker in yo face.

And then there's probably the worst pun in the entire film. As Krauss strolls away in his fog-form, singing some German song, Hellboy quips, "Glasshole." Ugh.

Continued in part 3.

What The Hellboy? pt 1

NOTE: This article contains satire and is not to be taken seriously.

WARNING: This article contains EXTREME SPOILERS.

In order to avoid pretentiousness, I feel I should point out that I don't consider myself in any way to be a witty critic, so if this article gets a "well, DUH" attitude about it, please disregard said attitude.

During my enjoyment of WALL-E, I couldn't help but notice posters for a "Hellboy 2: The Golden Army", a movie I had never heard of. I made it my business to see the original before the sequel came out, if for no other reason than the poster art looked so damn cool. The first certainly wasn't a disappointment. Sure, there were some odd bits here and there, but by and large, I really liked it. I thought it was fun and interesting, which is really all I can ask of a movie.

In light of that, I will be reviewing the movie step by step, so if you haven't seen it and don't wish to have it spoiled for you, please wait until after you've seen the film to form your own opinions.

The films opens with a brief explanation about who Hellboy is, how he came to be, etc. That's fine, but then suddenly we're transported to a trailer where Hellboy and his "father" live during Christmas eve in '55. We see the inside of the trailer, with Hellboy watching Howdy Doody (which is kind of funny, since Christmas Eve was a Saturday in '55, and Howdy Doody aired on Monday to Friday at 5:30 to 6:00 PM from '48 to '56). Then, we get our first view of Hellboy as a child, and holy shit, is he one ugly summabitch. His father demands he go to bed, he demands a story, blah blah. This whole boring sequence is really just an excuse for the father to tell a story that (gasp!) is the premise for what the movie is about.

What is that story, you ask?

It is said, that at the dawn of time, man, beast, and all magical beings lived together under *blah*, the father tree, but man had been created with a hole in his heart. A hole that no possession, power, or knowledge could fill, and in his infinite greed, man dreamt of expanding his dominion over the entire earth. The blood of many an elf, ogre, and goblin spilled in their *garbled*, and king Balor, the one-armed king of elf-land, watched the slaughter in dread and despair, but, one day, the master of the goblin blacksmiths offered to build the king a golden, mechanical army, seventy times seventy soldiers, that would not know hunger and could not be stopped. Prince Nu-something begged his father to agree. "Build me this army," the king said. So, a magical crown was forged that would allow those of royal blood to command the golden army if unchallenged. "I am king Balor, leader of the golden army. Is there anyone who disputes my right?" and in his throne room, no one challenged his word.

"Phew, and you thought I was ugly when I grew up!"

Here, the extremely annoying and ugly (especially when brushing his stupid buck teeth) young Hellboy interrupts about whether or not someone could make a challenge for control of the army (think that will be important later on?), and this scene is already way too long.

And so the world was changed, and the next time the humans marched, they felt the earth tremble beneath their feet, and saw the sky darken with monstrous shapes. The golden army had no remorse and felt no loyalty or pain, and King Balor's heart grew heavy with regret. So, he called a truce and divided the crown in three pieces, one for the humans, and two for himself. In exchange, man would keep to the cities, and the magical beings would own the forests. This truce would be honored by their sons and the sons of their sons until the end of time but Prince Nu-something did not believe in the promises of man, and it is said that he went into exile, vowing to return the day his people needed him most. So, the golden army lay dormant, locked inside the earth, waiting, and there it is to this day, awaiting the day the crown is made whole again, silent, still, and indestructible.

After that mess of run-on sentences, I'm sure you're wondering, like I did, just what the hell is going on. For reference, all monsters in the original Hellboy were explained as either a paranormal anomaly (which apparently exist, by the way, and are held in the supah-sekret Bureau of Paranormal Research & Defense's gigantic, stone-slab headquarters building... shhhh) or brought from Hell. As the young Hellboy says, "come on, those things can't be real." That's just what I was thinking: "there's no way they're really combining Lord of the Rings with Hellboy." Well, they didn't. They combined Lord of the Rings, Men in Black, and Harry Potter with Hellboy. Hell, they even rip off They Live later on.

Two things are already apparent about the movie at this point. First is that the movie is way too dark. You can barely see anything. Why? I guess it's in order to depict the angst that the whiny

Sorry, the budget ran short, so we're going to shroud this scene in darkness to hide how much it sucks.

characters go through? I don't know, but I really wish that they would adjust the contrast. Also, the sound is horribly garbled. Maybe it was just the theater I saw it in, but I often found myself wondering just what the characters are saying, because their speech is so badly compressed.

This entire story sequence is depicted with CG mannequins. Now, I don't consider CG in live action films to be an annoyance, but God this scene is crap. I guess I can tell why they did it, but it still stands out as very, very poorly-done in my mind. Then, to celebrate that shitty scene, we get an overly elaborate sequence where we see gears working in some big machine. Now, I love steampunk, but is it really necessary to watch gears turn for half a minute? It may not sound like long, but in the theater, it felt like forever.

Marilyn Manson as an elf. With painted-on ab muscles.

Next, we cut to the subway tunnels where some pale elf (which, at this point, we assume is the aforementioned prince) practices his fighting moves on water droplets. I assume that this guy is partially CG, because something just looks fake about him. One thing I can point out is that his ab muscles look painted on. Also, he looks like an angst-ridden hippie. I guess an elf has to have long, girlish hair. It's a law, or something.

So, anyway, we then move on to see an auction for rich pricks who are bidding on various historical artifacts, such as a fertility goddess and, you guessed it, a piece of the crown. Apparently the sons of the sons of man didn't do such a good job keeping track of the single artifact that kept the golden army from being unleashed and slaughtering all of mankind. Prince Angst shows up and kills a bunch of people, assisted by what looks to be a cross between a Lord of the Rings troll and Hellboy himself, save with a mechanical hand, rather than a stone one (called "Mr. Wink", I guess because it's a stupid name), and steals the artifact after unleashing some horrid creatures and even more horridly-written lines on all the bidders. Apparently no one has a gun, and isn't the elf price, supposedly of some kind of enlightened race, a bit violent? I mean, sure, humanity likes its electronic toys, but is it really worth killing someone because they enjoy their iPods? You know, now that I think about it...

Then, we're taken to the Bureau, where we see the fish-guy, Abe, acting gay. And being ugly. He's shown some pictures of Hellboy taken in public, and Manning (the bald guy from Washington who's really annoying) whines about their cover being blown or something. "Officially, we do not exist." Frankly, I wish that you literally didn't exist. Then, he delivers a line that made me cringe. "I suppressed each photo [and] cellphone video, and they show up on YouTube. God, I hate YouTube." You know what I hate? When movies reference modern pop culture just to cater to the audience. I really, really hate it. Besides, even though the movie probably is meant to take place in 2008, it seems to only take place a few months after the previous movie, which took place in 2004, before YouTube was even founded. I suppose I'm nitpicking about the timeline, but Christ do I hate references like that. Then Manning says that Hellboy hates him and shows a picture of himself that has been used for target practice. I can't say that I blame Hellboy. As good as his actor, Jeffry Tambor, apparently is, I dislike the character with the same passion that many have for Jar Jar. That's probably just the reaction the viewer was meant to have, though.

The fish-man (who doesn't have his breathing apparatus on, which I thought was kind of weird--sure, maybe he doesn't have it on all the time in the first film, but he had it on most of the time;

Selective fire: it's discrimination, for death.

in this one, he barely has it on at all) and Manning then walk through the building on their way to Hellboy's vault as all kinds of odd creatures make noise and cause trouble in the background, and these two act like it's business as usual. Maybe it is, but they barely even react when they're nearly smashed by a flying door. Then, we get a "delicious" taste of the trouble that Hellboy and Liz have been having. By the way, something that bothered me, even from the first movie, was that, even though Liz can be covered in flames, it never singes her clothes, nor Hellboy's clothes, nor anyone who's standing nearby. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to see any more of Hellboy's big, plastic-looking beefy body than I already do, but they don't even attempt to explain this. Also, you'd think that standing next to her while she's completely on fire would be like standing a foot away from a bonfire. It would at least be a bit uncomfortable, but no one seems to notice the heat.

Suddenly, it's a red alert and everyone makes their way to the scene of Price Angst's slaughter after Manning squeezes a promise of discretion out of Red with a cuban cigar bribe. They go into the building of the murders, Red and Liz exchange some relationship babble, and Abe explains that the seals on the containers holding the creatures that Prince Angst set free are symbols of war or something. As the team searches, we get glimpses of these creatures scurrying in the walls. It's revealed that the flying creatures are "tooth fairies" (as Hellboy incredulously exclaims, "Hah!") from some forest or another. Yet another kind of fantasy

They're cute only as long as they don't chew on your teeth.

creature that's a bit hard to swallow, considering Hellboy's setting. Anyway, we are told that they eat calcium from one's body, often going for the teeth first.

As soon as it is revealed what they are, some scurry noisily through a wall near Abe and Liz, and Abe randomly places his bare hand (with all the super-sensitive listening things on it, I guess) onto her abdomen, then says, "Oh, my God. Liz, you're pregnant!" Without a beat, she denies it, but Abe insists that it is so. Personally, I don't realy want to imagine the physics of Hellboy and Liz doing the deed, as he's big enough to gobble her forearm whole. Then, we finally get a glimpse of the tooth fairies, which unsurprisingly kill everyone except the main characters. Eventually, Blue retreats to a vault of some kind while Liz lets herself explode with flame, causing Hellboy (who she warned to

"Talk to the hand, because I can't hear you otherwise."

move) fly out a window and land near the crowd of onlookers below and makes a scene of being a hero. Apparently he forgot or didn't care about the promised cuban cigars.

In the next few scenes, we see Prince Angst on his way to his people's council chambers. Let me pause to point out that this is where one of the big annoyances of the film first shows itself. That is, this film uses way too many damn scene trasitions. Sure, a screen wipe is commonly used in films, but Hellboy 2 has them far too frequenty, along with more noticable transitions, like a diagonal screen wipe. I understand the need for transitions as a storytelling device, but I, the movie watcher, should never notice or be distracted by them. Good transitions are ones that I don't recall ever happening, but if they stand out like they do in Revenge of the Sith, I feel more like I'm watching a powerpoint presentation than a real movie.



So the Pale Prince finds the council chambers after being in exile for what I assume is thousands of years. Funny how he doesn't have any trouble finding it, and how it is conveniently located in the same city as everything else. In this scene, we see another odd thing; sometimes, there is text at the bottom of the movie translating what is being said, and sometimes they just speak English. Why don't they do just one, or just the other?

We find that the Prince has sought out his father and twin sister in order to take the pieces of the crown that they each have and demands them so that he may unleash the golden army on the humans. "The humans have forgotten their Gods, destroyed the earth, and for what? Parking lots! Shopping Malls! Greed is burning a hole in their hearts that will never be filled; they will never have enough!" Okay, we get it. Humans are greedy and evil. Christ, not too subtle, is it? Besides, for someone who doesn't trust the promise of man, he seems to be the one about to really break the truce. What, did they expect that man would never cut down any trees? How else would people build houses? His father refuses outright and orders his death in order to stop him from breaking the truce, so Prince Angst, being the loving protector of his waning people that he is, slays all the guards and murders his father in front of everyone in the council chambers. What patriotism! Also, it is revealed in this scene that he and his sister share a link so that if he's injured, she suffers the exact same injury, and vice versa. I guess because they're twins, and that's how twins work. Duh. That's probably also how he knew where to find them, as it is later revealed that whatever his sister knows, he knows as well. Why, then, do they not at all prepare for his coming? Anyway, his sister runs away and he has to rush to find her. I guess that shared knowledge thing only works when it's convenient for the plot.

Back in the Bureau, Manning tells Hellboy that he's called in a professional, Johann Krauss, to lead the team and keep an eye on him. Let me say that I think that Johann is a really neat character with a kick-ass German accent and fantastic voice-acting, but I'm consistently puzzled by his character design. First of all, he looks like a biohazard suit with insect mandibles on the front and constantly vents some smoky gas. Why? I have no idea, and it doesn't explain. We find out, though, that he is actually a ghost of some kind, made up of that smoke (ectoplasm, I guess). However, even when he's outside of the suit, he's able to talk and manipulate objects, and even possess people and objects. What, then, is the point of the suit in the first place? And what's with those damn mandibles? They're distracting.

"Aygeent Heellboy, I eem yew fezzer!" *krrsshhh*

Krauss possesses the dead body of one of the tooth fairies in order to get it to explain what it knows about this and that. By the way, it seems that merely seeing the creature's corpse is enough for Krauss to determine that it was bought and sold on the black market and sealed in an oppressively small container. I suppose he could have deduced the latter from seeing pictures of the containers they found at the slaughter scene, but how the hell did he know where it came from? Couldn't the Pale Prince have captured them from the wild (since realism and this movie are experiencing the same awkward relationship trouble that Hellboy as Liz)? Also, apparently Krauss can speak tooth fairy chatter. How would he have learned that? Regardless, the creature explains that it came from a troll market or something, then chokes to death as Krauss loses control of "its limbic system." If he was only controlling the creature's limbic system (mental capacities of emotion, behavior, and long-term memory), how did he get the rest of its body to function?

Continued in part 2.

Chaos Isn't A Joke Anymore

With The Dark Knight being the mega-blockbuster that it is, it shouldn't come as a surprise that everyone and their dog is writing a review for it.


I saw the movie on Saturday and, in light of how popular I knew it was, figured that I wouldn't comment on it, since anything that I had to say would surely have been stated before, and probably writter better, too. Then I remembered the old proverb of writing about a superfluous topic simply because it's of interest.

"It's my blog, and I'll write whatever the hell I want!"

With that tidbit of wisdom in mind, let's talk Batman.



Having grown up in the 90s, I can't say that I was particularly familiar with the comic book scene, nor (thankfully) with the campy classic Batman. That's one bit of 50s/60s culture that isn't my cup of tea, and if someone has a problem with that disregard of culture, have I got a cup for you.

My first introduction to Batman was the animated series, which I think helped to build my fondness of the film noir and 40s styles. Honestly, how could a kid not like a show like this? It's action-packed, full of atmosphere, and just downright cool. Ironically, I never actually saw the Tim Burton film that inspired the style until very recently, but that's okay. As much as I like Tim Burton (he was inspired by Jan Švankmajer, after all), I think I prefer the villains from the cartoon.

Incidentally, the villains in The Dark Knight are absolutely nothing like the villains in the animated series, the Tim Burton films, or (for the best, I'd say) the Joel Schumacher films. No, while many of those previous projects portrayed the characters as gleefully nuts, none of them hold a candle to the absolute, bone-chilling insanity that is the Joker in The Dark Knight, as played by the (unfortunately recently deceased) Heath Ledger. Now, I don't really keep tabs on celebrity pop culture or which actor is which (I've better things to do, like write in an obscure blog), I and anyone who's watched this film has got to wholeheartedly admit that Heath Ledger pulled the roll off with such convincing genius, it had the old lady standing next to me wringing her hands and gasping annoyingly all through the movie. A truly insane bringer of chaos is something so alien, so unusual, it's nearly impossible to make seem realistic. In fact, I thought it was impossible, until I saw this film.



The movie is anything but a triumphant hero film, and I really, really liked that. Now, I may not have gotten all the philosophical points of it that guys who make furry porn did, but much like when watching WALL-E, I felt that, rather than simply watching a film, I was seeing a glimpse of a real, living world. Unlike when I was watching Batman Begins (which, although a good movie, held no special place in my heart), I felt like I was observing some great work of art, something that was beyond improvement (almost). It's no WALL-E, but then two works of perfection in one year are unlikely.

However you flip it, the Dark Knight is a superbly dark psychological thriller that is about as poppy-filled and happy as an elephant graveyard. If you are prone to deep depression and digging the angst out of your wrist with a strait razor, I would recommend that you go see something more jovial. For everyone else, see this dark masterpiece. It's very unsatisfying.

Its only real fault is stealing the limelight from WALL-E, which I would have liked to see christened as the best film of the year. Looks like The Dark Knight will be taking that trophy, if its gross revenue is any indication.

Deus Ex Machinima

It was some years ago that I first came across the web series Red vs Blue. This was really my introduction into the world of machinima, and it was as gentle as being clubbed over the head with a lead pipe. This series was, for lack of a better phrase, FUCKIN' FANTASTIC! For those who are not aware, machinima is the practice of acting out a scene through a game and then superimposing sound, effects, etc. to make a film.

Titled the "Blood Gulch Chronicles", the first series of Red vs Blue takes place in a popular Halo map in which the players have two bases in a box canyon. Though the series started as mere comedy, it quickly grew to be an amazing masterpiece of storytelling, and the growing skill of the creators became more and more apparent. Basically, the videos were created by recording what a "camera character" saw while moving other characters around and later superimposing voices. Simple as it may sound, it takes a lot of effort and perseverance to keep a series like that going, and Red vs Blue made 100 full episodes in its first season, not including PSAs and specials.

I've just recently gone back to their website to see if anything is new, and indeed there is! A new season of Red vs Blue, titled Red vs Blue Reconstruction, has been made, and it absolutely blows my mind. Unlike the Blood Gulch Chronicles, this new series takes place in Halo 3, which means that it's only on the console. Yet, the guys at Rooster Teeth have somehow managed nearly cinematic-quality special effects.



Yeah, I'm gushing, but Jesus Christ, if you've not checked this stuff out, DO IT! Hell, buy the DVD Box Set if you have to in order to catch up--it's more than worth it. My only complaint is that Red vs Blue's creators have this prick notion that no one should be able to embed their videos. This is the Goddamn age of YouTube! Why the hell not? If someone embeds your videos, they're giving others a taste of what you've made, which only increases your own popularity! Quit that shit.

In addition, Rooster Teeth also created the machinima series "1-800-MAGIC" (based on Shadowrun), "The Strangerhood" (based on the Sims 2), "PANICS" (based on F.E.A.R.), and the Halo 3 mod, Grifball. They also run a regular webcomic about their team.

Another machinima series that I've really gotten into is Leet World, which is made using Counter Strike: Source. The series itself is presented like some kind of competition reality show between the terrorists and counter-terrorists, complete with hilarity and drama.



In Red vs Blue, nearly all the characters are either in SPARTAN suits or are awkwardly made to lip-sync (save in Reconstruction, where the lip-syncing is spot-on), so it never looks funny when you see someone talking (the characters just nod their heads to denote speech). In Leet World, however, a number of main characters' models weren't made with lip syncing in mind, so some of them with visible mouthes don't actually move them when talking (although the game show host, played by the G-man, is lip-synced quite superbly). It's interesting to compare and contrasts the different styles that Rooster Teeth Productions and Smooth Few Films use. I love it when everyday people don't let their inexperience hold them back from being creative.

With that said, I leave you with this amazing Half-Life 2 machinima music video of Breaking Benjamin's "So Cold" called "I'm Still Seeing Breen" by Paul Marino.

On Upcoming Films

NOTE: This article contains satire and is not to be taken seriously.

I'm sure most everyone remembers how Antz and A Bug's Life came out at about the same time and everyone wondered "who got there first: Pixar, or Dreamworks?" Well, regardless of two got there first, Pixar grossed over twice as much with their production. Then, Dreamworks and Pixar again went neck-to-neck in 2001 with Shrek and Monsters, Inc as the big 3D cartoons that year. Who won? According to revenue, Pixar did. Then, in 2003, Finding Nemo shook the box office, easily dislodging Shark Tale from ever sinking in its roots and nearly tripled the latter's gross sales.

I think at that point, we all saw that it was going to be a Pixar vs Dreamworks race from here on out, and that so far, Pixar has been the clear winner. Hell, Shark Tale was the most pathetic of all of Dreamworks' previous Pixar retorts, and, year after year, Dreamworks has lost (with the exception of Shrek 2), but at least Dreamworks stopped blatantly ripping off Pixar's movie ideas. Or so we thought.

Note, I have enjoyed many of Dreamworks' films (with Madagascar being "okay", Over the Hedge being "not bad", and Kung Fu Panda being "pretty good"), I have to curl my lip at their latest feature. What is it, you may ask? Ugh. Just... just look and see.



Gee, I wonder what brought on the idea of a movie based in space. What brilliant burst of intuition could have inspired this film? Hmm...


Don't get me wrong, Space Chimps may turn out to be a pretty good movie (isn't this Dreamwork's second 3D animated film this year?), but I can guarantee you that, in the end, it won't hold a candle to WALL-E. Why? Well, mostly because WALL-E is so perfect, it transcends filmdom. It is true art, and there is no way that Dreamworks, a creator of above average 3D films at best, can compare. One has to ask, what's the difference between Pixar and Dreamworks? They both create (always for the former, usually for the latter) original 3D films that have a fairly sound concept, but Pixar manages, time and again, to come out ahead. For one thing, Dreamworks always gets PG ratings because they have to have some rude humor. You know, for adults, because nothing says "grown-up and mature" like sexual innuendo and allusions to bodily functions. In spite of this apparent golden rule ideals of Dreamworks', Pixar continues to appeal to all ages without having to resort to either rude humor (well, usually) or tired pop culture references. Well, if Pixar can avoid those things and yet still do better, why doesn't Dreamworks take a hint and try some of the same?

Now, I'm not one to be offended by foul language, crude humor, sexual innuendo, etc., but I think that it's pretty apparent by now that, if you want to catch a large audience, you have to be willing to do things differently. As of right now, "differently" means avoiding story cliches, rude humor, and pop culture references, because most films are a mix-match of two or three of the above (not that there aren't other problems, but these are the ones that separate movies that just fail from ones that almost made it). Just give it a try, Dreamworks. Maybe it will work for you, too. The bottom line is immersion. When you crack a joke that doesn't fit the world (i.e. Shrek), it breaks that immersion. When you create humor without reminding the moviegoer that they are actually watching a film (i.e. WALL-E), that deepens the immersion. Perhaps Dreamworks doesn't care about "creating worlds" the way that Pixar does, and only wants to "create films." If so, they do a decent job, but all I can say is, "too bad."

On the other hand, I must admit that Space Chimps doesn't look half bad, and I will probably go see it. Once, anyway. Now, I've seen WALL-E twice and have every intention of seeing it again in theaters, plus buying the DVD. Of course, Dreamworks has it unfairly hard in this case, because WALL-E hits so many of the things I adore, it is the closest thing to movie perfection in my mind (in spite of a few faults, but no movie is completely devoid of those). I don't anticipate any movie, even by Pixar, to top WALL-E as my favorite. Ever.

Well, I've done a good deal of ranting and rambling over Space Chimps, but let me tell you, that movie looks like gold compared to another preview I saw in the theaters while waiting for the main feature (WALL-E, of course) to begin.



Ohmygod. It's like a rip-off of a rip-off, with 90% of the awesome being lost in each translation. Granted, it was made in Belgium, and is (according to Wikiepdia) the first animated film to be made and released only in true-3D, but Fly Me to the Moon is, hands down, the worst-looking professional 3D film (with the possible exception of the horridly disappointing Tripping the Rift direct-to-DVD movie) I've ever seen. Seriously, I've seen amateurs do far better (see the embedded Plumiferos for another example). I've played games that look better. It's just flabbergastingly horrid.



What's so amazing is that Fly Me to the Moon (the trailer, anyway) isn't only ugly, its music is uninspired, its dialog is shoddy, its unfunny, and, overall, boring. It's the most boring trailer I've ever seen. It's even dumber than Beverly Hills Chihuahua (the trailer of which, by the way, isn't funny or cute--it's absolutely stupid, and I get the feeling that it beats around the bush the way it does to hide the horrid movie that is the full production).



Ouch... It makes me wince. What's worse, this was attached to WALL-E. Seriously, it's like ordering an expensive plate of caviar and getting a dog turd as a side dish.

Honestly, the only trailer I saw that looked like it may be pretty good was for Bolt.



Really, I think that all the animation studios should go to some kind of "Film as Art" seminar by Pixar. Why does it seem like, although most professional art, be it visual, musical, culinary, written, etc. are masterpieces, only a very, very small percentage of films (and games, for that matter) are truly magnificent? I realize that there is much to a movie (or game), as it needs to seamlessly combine multiple types of art, but why do people not try harder to find that perfect combination? Why are so many directors, writers, etc. satisfied with what, to any onlooker, is a work of absolute drivel? If you come up with the idea of making a "hilarious" movie about two lesbian lovers who spontaneously become male while simultaneously showing off how lackluster human creativity can be, don't. Just don't. Is it really that hard?